AHS season 2, episode 2. note to self: watching horror movies before bed is apparently the key to good sleep for me. who knew? also scary images within...run away from this horror show now!

i think most people know how un-normal i am-

but this is just perplexing..

 where most people would have been up for hours, clutching their buttholes so the poop didn't fall out after watching back to back episodes of american horror story...i slept like a baby.

for the first time in months.

go figure.

 

and, yes...that shit was scary.

especially last week's episode.

i was glued to my sofa under a blanket barely able to move.

thumbs up on the exorcism scene. 

fucking horrifying.

 

and the dr. science/dr. sadist scenes.

fucking james cromwell for fucking acting president.

sadly, now he will forever be that creepy dr. who stands over that woman and holds his pee pee while he tells her to show him her mossy bank*- S L O W L Y.

stuff of nightmares.

 

 ok let's begin..

last week..

 jennamegantatumfox running and screaming from bloody face.

adam levine hanging on to life by an arm a thread. 

 

bloody face stabs him in the chest with his weird stabby tool.. 

 i guess he's dead, maybe?

 

moving right long..

a gaggle of lesbians..

so awesome.

there are 2 amazing lesbians comforting lana banana's GF, wendy..

a sweet, prim lez and a husky, butch lez.

apparently there are all kinds of lesbians- thank you ryan murphy!

the husky lez is trying to "console" wendy, who is beside herself with grief and guilt for having lana locked up with a murderer...

i've been "consoled" like that...not by a lesbian but i am not giving up hope.

 

 

knock knock...

uh oh that might be a murderer at your door.

don't answe....oh.wait...just trick or treaters...

 

 

worst masks ever.

 

oops...wendy forgot it was halloween.

but it's not..these kids are just being assholes and trying to get candy early.

(no one does that in real life ryan murphy. just so you know.)

she sobs in horror at the thought of an elementary school teacher wo candy on halloween.

 

nothing that a joint, a shower with all the windows open and the antithesis of scary songs playing in the background can't fix.

and then yep, you guessed it.

bloody face guts her.

or at least we assume.

it is very probable that these people aren't dead but in some state of life hanging on by an arm a thread.

 

 (and now- no one's favorite...the creepy intro)


back at briarcliff it's a room raid with the usual nut cameos..(sounds like a seasonal chocolate)

pepper is hoarding bread.

lana is hoarding notes.

 

which is obviously way more punishable than bread hoarding or episode 1's shit slinging.

 

sister jude asks dr. science to give lana some calming and restorative electroshock therapy, he agrees bc that's his jam and they high five.

 

 electroshock therapy looks like good times.

wait!! are those gigantor marshmallows?!

 

dr. threadson/zach quinto is on the scene...

 

he looks like all the pictures i have of my dad in the early 60's. 

he is here to be the yang to sister jude's yin.

science vs. religion.

also he is here to evaluate kit.

after their talk dr. threadson decides kit is insane but also cute.

 

 

outside dr. science gives sister eunice a chinoiserie compost bin?...a decorative tin from pearl river?

 

oh...it's a candy apple.

because, duh.

 

theory- that apple is full of LSD and this season is all one big acid trip.

 

 

skrillex is watching it all go down from the window...

because foreshadowing.

 

 

elsewhere..

 

kit and french girl grace are conspiring to escape and lana overhears...

 

she is taking notes so she can remember in case there is more brain melting.. 

 

 

threadskin is talking to sister jude about the barbaric methods used at briarcliff..

she's like...well duh..it's a madhouse.

 

upstairs she meets some bumpkins who would describe their son, jed, as..umm...troubled..?

at the very least he is listless, moody...and doesn't get up for days.

 

so he has pms?

what other symptoms does he have?

 

lets see...

intense anger and lots of swearing? plus blood everywhere?

 

so hungry he could eat a horse-cow? 

 

 

super bummed he ate all of it?

 

yes.  total pms.

 

 

 everybody goes down to get a look at the boy with pms..

he is obviously 3 hours into his period.

 

 

down in the basement lana and grace are having a spa day..

 

 there is more escape talk.

taking kit...not taking kit.

nakedness. 

the view of the trees.

someone you love throwing you away forever.

also, tubs with covers. 

 

downstairs dr. science is peeling mrs. patmore's prized onions..

 

 in walks skrillex...

 

she talks about pleasuring her candy apple when she was 5 and her mother making her wear mittens to bed and then i shot myself in the face.

 

in any case dr. science thinks women are sluts in general, but 'speshly skrillex.  

 this is foreshadowing at its best, people.

 

 

a hot priest, a priest in a wheelchair, a nun and nerdy scientist walk into an exorcism...

 

oops...not yet.

 

up in the common room..

 lana and grace are doing more escape plotting.

with kit.  no! without kit. 

but it's exorcism night and that means everyone to bed early.

 

father eyebags is gearing up for an epic exorcism.

 

good thing he brought his wheelchair.

 

meanwhile..

 

it looks as though dr. science has a date..

 

with sister eunice a hooker that looks just like sister eunice.

unfortunately she starts up with the hooker talk but the dr. just wants a sweet and innocent ladyfriend to kill.

there is a knife threat, some roast beast carving, some wine snobbery and dance denying....

 

back over to you exorcism.

 

it's the devil everyone!!!

breaking out all his best impersonations such as:

dr. threadson's mother.

 

and keeper of everyone's secret hidden memories...

 

such as sister jude the jazzy nightclub singer..

 

who accidentaly ran over a little girl after too much booze and rejection..


 

jude freaks her freak and slaps the shit out of jed... 

 

father hotness and dr. threadskin run in and tear jude off of jed.

threadskin gives him a shot of the good shit and the lights go out.

literally. 

 

briarcliff manor is without power.

this OF COURSE opens all the doors so that everyone is free to roam around.

grace and lana run hand in hand down the hall to freedom...

 

jed is having a heart attack bc the devil is literally killing him..

 

kit runs into grace and lana and tries to get in on the escape..

lana says no..grace says no, fuck YOU... WE'RE leaving. 

which is exactly what i would do.

seriously..i would be so out of there and would not give 1 fuck about anyone coming with me.

 

but lana screams that the killer is escaping and poor kit turns around and gives her this face...

but she's just sooooo convinced he is the murderer who killed all those women.

and lesbians are the best women's activists that we have.

 

 

the guards proceed to beat the shit out of kit.

obviously.

 

 

jed's body is losing the battle with the devil..

just then sister eunice shows up...coveniently.

bc everyone knows sister eunice is the queen of the ninnies.

 

jed dies...

 

 

the cross on the wall falls..

 

and then..

 

the devil finds a new body to possess. 

 

sister eun, y'all.

which is really just too awesome for words.

 

 

upstairs the dr.'s hooker is wiping "that trashy makeup" off her face..

and getting into full eunice...

 

she starts nosing around in a box..

 

a box filled with funny images of women playing 'hog tied on the bed'...

and 'throw a bag over your head'.

 

the dr. walks in and looks like this..

which is to say...scary as fuck.

 

he tells her to lie on the bed and show him her mossy bank.

mossy bank?

*i was uncertain what he actually said here, but i could have sworn it was mossy bank.  it makes no sense to me personally but it is so ridiculous and creepy i am keeping it. 

maybe 'bank' because you make a 'deposit' of semen in it and 'mossy' because, duh, pubes?

 

anyway..

i cannot undo this image and now, neither can you..

 

 

the hooker with the heart of gold bites him on the arm and kicks him in the ding ding..

 

and then flees for her life.

 

i guess anyway..bc the next morning dr. science appears in sister eun's bedroom..

 

dr. science tries to cover her mossy bank..

 

but the devil is like no thank you..

and she/he rips its covers back off..

because mossy bank for everyone!

 

 

i'll take 2 tickets to the bun show please..

lana banana gets rewarded for good behavior after she ratted out kit for trying to escape.

the reward?

she not only gets to watch the caning of asses but she gets to pick the cane!!

 

but in an act of chivalry kit tells sister jude that grace is innocent.

 

let's now note that kit has given lana SEVERAL opportunities to recoginze he is not a murdery type but, like her..wrongly accused.

1. taking the blame for escaping so grace doesn't get caned.

2. hiding lana's notes bc no one would suspect he had them on him.

and probably some other shit too.

 

so..

kit takes 40 lashings and... the end.

 

 

this episode was disturbing and scary and i honestly can't believe that immediately after watching it we went into epsiode 3 and watched all of that...and then i SUPER can't believe that i slept like a champ after all of it.

 

i will recap that episdode over the weekend so that it's ready by monday.

 

but as for this one..

super scary yes?

 

discuss it.

 

 

 

 

grab your red negligee and your cabinet full of canes it's time for your ahs recap!

 

first things first...

 

as if for one second i believe that a girl that hot would EVER want to do it in the 'death chute'.  unless she is referring to her poop chute.  because i totally call my pooper the death chute. 

and hot girls are notorious for wanting to do it in their butts.

just ask my husband.  he seems to think all hot girls like it in the butt.

but that is not why i call my pooper the death chute.

i certainly do NOT like it in the butt, mine is named the death chute bc of what comes out of it.  obv.

 

and adam levine?  really?

until i saw him 'moisten the area' last night i was all...adam levine is a doucher with a whiny voice.

but now...i would totally let him moisten my area.

my area 51.

speaking of..

holy shit!

aliens?

i did NOT see that coming.

 

ok ok...

let's back up.

 

briarcliff manor present day...

 

adam levine is all.."she wiiiill be loooooved on this table".

meganfox/jennadewan (same person) is all "you can do it in my butt in the death chute (effectively death chute²) just as soon as you investigate that noise".

p.s. i used to live in an apartment building called briarcliff and it was built in 1900 and i am pretty sure i had tuberculosis for a minute when i lived there.  and i am certain it is where i first became a little bit insane.

and it was definitely the place i discovered i did NOT like it in my death chute.

 

all facts.  

 

anyway..blah blah blah adam levine gets his arm ripped off by something resembling a hand..

 

cut to 

a gas station in 1964.

tate season 1 is pumping gas that is 30 cents a gallon which was highway robbery apparently in 1964.

i am certain this is true bc as of this moment i cannot seem to locate a cents sign on my computer.

1964=stone age.

 

some asshole is obviously disgruntled by the obscene gas prices and throws his 3$ worth of gas on the ground.

after tate season 1..ok...KIT.  his name is kit but that name is so 1964-contrived i want to vomit comet in everyone's face.

anyway..after kit picks it up and dances away bc he is so blissfully happy with life that he doesn't give a shit that some asshole threw his money on the ground, the lights go out and i am all...here we go!!!

scary scary scary time!!

 

but then billy someone shows up and is all....hah ha!!  i got you!

 

the only thing scary about this scene is the fact that billy looks exactly like giovanni ribisi only he is not giovanni ribisi and that is scary bc he looks JUST FUCKING LIKE GIOVANNI RIBISI!!

 

seriously raise your hand if you were thinking that was giovanni ribisi in a giovanni ribisi mask.

 

anyway...bc it's 1964 there is bound to be some racial tension bc that is indeed a scary human reality that we are still living today and nothing pleases ryan murphy more than drawing parallels between present day horrors and olden time horrors.

 

so billy charms us all with his use of the 'n word' and we see kit flinch a little.

he then goes on to talk about kit's maid.

how can a gas station attendant afford a maid?

huh?

i'm so confused.

wait...there's more innuendo!!

there just so happens to be a piece of chocolate right next to billy and he takes a bite...looks at kit and says..

"mmmm...chocolate".

what does it mean?!

 

 the real horror so far is the fact that that chocolate is totally baking chocolate and baking chocolate is bullshit.

 

next up we see kit coming home and his "maid" aka new black wife, alma, waiting with a smile on her face.

 

only she is soooo not baking chocolate.  she isn't even milk chocolate!!  she is maaybe chocolate mousse if i squint.  

anyway...

they kiss, they talk about their marriage being legal and they haven't done anything wrong and they should go public with their love etc...

ahh....parallels.

1960's interracial marriage=present day gay marriage.

ryan murphy is trying to school some people.

i don't need so much convincing on the topic.

but hey, here's to hoping the idiots who actually believe that gay/interracial marriage is wrong are bright enough to see it too. 

 

anyway kit and alma proceed to do it.

after alma gets up to make her husband some dinner the light of a thousand suns comes beaming through every possible opening in the house...OBVIOUSLY this is billy ribisi.

only it's totally stick creatures with the power to suck everything up and out.

also they have probes. 'death chute' probes. 

alma screams "help me" and is gone.

kit gets his clothes ripped off and his death chute poked only not in a good way.

 

next we are introduced to craigslist psychic season 1 aka lana, a sassy, nosy, lesbian reporter clearly inspired by velma from scooby doo-

who is coming to taste some baked goods or something.

 

she is met by baby killing, pepper.

 

i would like to say i was freaked out by pepper's appearance but i know a pair of bubba teeth when i see them.

nice try ryan murphy.

that is actually jennifer lopez under there.

 

next we see sister jude (once again, brilliantly played by jessica lange) giving chloe sevigny a skrillex cut for being a slut.  

 

jessica lange has a way of playing a completely insane evil person that deep down you feel sorry for. 

there is always such a vulnerability with her performances.

 

oops!  in walks blubbering blundering sister eunice with lana banana.

if this weren't a modern day horror show set in the 60's i'd think this was an 80's sitcom set in the 60's.

 

although, i get the sense that at some point she is going to have the last laugh.

until scooby takes the mask off and we see that it's actually not sister eunice at all!!

it's violet!!

"and i'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling insane people!"

 

jude tells eunice to knock next time, sheesh!!

and eunice profoundly apologetic (too apologetic if you ask me- side eye to you eunice)exits only to RE-enter again...without knocking.  (cue laugh track)

seriously can someone re-cut this entire episdoe as a comedy?

 

anyway...this time eunice has some news!

apparently right now, downstairs they are bringing in the scary murderer who killed all those people and stole their faces off their heads or something.

lana banana perks right up and is all...ooooh, is that bloody face? can i talk to him?  i'd really like to ask him some questions.  

 the idea that lana is not actually there to eat jessica lange's pie is almost too much for her to take.

one gets the sense that jessica is conflicted by impure thoughts of fame and fortune and sex and stuff a lot. 

 

 

cut to kit being brought in as the scary bad man.

wait...so kit is bloody face?

oh...we don't really know WHO bloody face is?

ok..

time will tell.

i think it's kit though.

right?

 

anyway....good news! 

 

kit's butt.

 

thank you ryan murphy.

kit picked up where dylan mcdermott left off.

 

many women and gays thank you.

 

ok..blah blah kit gets a shower of flour and water.

someone's making dough?

 

then he goes to sleep courtesy of a big fat needle,

wakes up and gets his ass caned by sister jude.

 

after he wakes up from that mess he wanders around the looney common room where he meets grace, some wide eyed french girl who looks crazy in that girl interrupted angelina jolie way..which is to say not at all.

grace is to be his mentor at briarcliff.  

saying.."stick with me kid....i'll make sure you get food and cigs."

actually, no.  she doesn't say that.

 

and then BAM kit gets clocked in the face by kelly rippa's husband.

what?

random times a million.

kit is sent to solitary confinement because, duh!

 

upstairs in sister jude's room eunice is crying bc someone named willie is gone.

jude senses someone is up to no good...

and she barges in on dr. arden who likes plants and murdering people.

he is a scientist!!!

which means everything he does from this moment on will be backed up by the institution of science!!

dr. science is obviously killing patients and feeding the aliens out back with thier bloody, ground up remains.

totally science.

totally normal.

 

later we meet lana banana's girlfriend, wendy, who smokes pot and teaches school and is a lesbian!!

they seem to be a great couple. in a healthy relationship.  

supportive of one another and in love. 

but they're lesbians!!! 

not possible.

 

lana tells wendy that she has big plans to sneak into briarcliff to get an interview with bloody face.

it will put her on the map as a journalist.  

and wendy is totally supportive of this crazy idea bc there is no way that anything terrible will happen.

 

 

cut to sister jude'lia child whipping up a fancy coq au vin and perfuming her boobies while wearing a red slip.

for a second i thought this was some kind of daydream shit but then realized no...totally real.

and totally awesome.

 

so who is this magical dinner and scented boobie spectacle for?

not dr. science.

kit?

 

OH!!  joseph fiennes!

i totally get it.

i would be slutting it up under my habit too if the head priest looked like joseph fiennes.

 father o'hara is going on and on about becomming a cardinal in NY and making jude his mother superior.

blah blah blah..

jude is hearing none of it, instead she is fantazising about sitting on his fat, irish weiner.

who wouldn't be jude?  who wouldn't be?

 

meanwhile sister eunice is carrying some buckets filled with bloody stumps and eyeballs through the woods to feed the aliens.

lana banana is out there smoking a cigarette. what?  weird.

lana is like...wait a second!  what's out there? i hear growling. are those stumps and eyeballs in those buckets?

yeah, duh.  that's your cue stupid. 

 

meanwhile kit is eating sans hands in his cell and dr. science comes in to shoot up his neck with some sleepy time drugs.

 

this scene and the following scenes are interspersed with adam levine and megan dewan dealing with adam's unfortunate arm situation.

jenna fox is running down the death chute (that's what he said) looking for a way out and running into meat face.  bloody face.  whatever.

 

eunice and lana are also walking down the death chute.

lana is asking too many questions. 

eunice is a tad overwhelmed.

kelly ripa's husband flings dookie in her face which is obviously too much for eunice to handle so she leaves lana in the chute to fend for herself.

lana hears jude clippity clopping in her nun clogs down the hall and she pops into an empty cell.

after the coast is clear lana emerges to investigate the same door that ripped adam levine's arm off.

 

meanwhile dr. science is probing around kit's face and neck area and removes a motherfucking space spider.

the fuck?

 

 

back in jude's room..

 

eunice is blubbering about being stupid and she demands to be spanked.

only instead of jude's obviously small usual cane eunice takes it upon herself to get the biggest cane in the giant cane armoire.

i think she likes it.

this freaks jude out a little bit and she tells her to leave.

 

 

meanwhile...

lana wakes up strapped to a bed wondering what happenend...

 

she tells jude that they can't keep her there, people will come looking for her.

 

at this point we cut to jude visiting lana's girlfriend... 

 

 

essentially it breaks down like this:

jude: lana has had a bad accident and needs to stay with us for a really long time, don't even try to step in and save her you heathen.

wendy: but wait. i am her...umm...friend.. i have rights.

jude: um no.  you don't.  you are a homo and a school teacher and i can ruin you forever.

wendy: you suck dicks lady!  

jude: i wish.

 

meanwhile..

 

 

jude confronts lana with the news of wendy's consent to have her committed and proceeds to tell lana that together the two of them are going to pray the gay away.

 

cut to dr. science scrubbing away the funk in metal arm eating door room.

dr. science: (scrub scrub) oh hey nothing to see here.

jude: you're up to something you evolution loving jesus hater. 

 

at this point jenna megan has run into bloody face who is about to eat her face..

THE END.

 

 

i thought it was good, very good even. 

great acting, of course.

certainly engaging and creepy.

but scary?

no.

not even close.

i might have jumped when that creepy spiderchip scurried away, but that's bc i fucking hate spiders.

everything else was, meh.

 

fave bits:

jennifer lopez as pepper the baby killer.

jude's fantasy with father hotness.

the total fucking random casting of kelly ripa's husband as a gold toothed, shit slinging crazy.

lesbian characters front and center.

 

your thoughts??

 

 

sorry this took so long btw...i was at an audition for TWO HOURS today!

and it was an hour away in traffic.  uphill both ways.