she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..
they are trying to find the french word for spider.
cuz her lamp looks like a spider.
what's french for botox?
meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..
nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..
hotels are gross in general btw.
even the nice ones.
wait...this one was nice wasn't it?
or was it?
i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.
(p.s. they didn't stay here)
back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..
oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.
i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.
let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...
who's got a scythe?
so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.
it's a janice dickinson table.
but it's too small for a coffee table.
fiona prolly coulda told em that..
back at high point..
NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL!!!!
newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!
i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.
newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.
and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..
over this couch:
which was totally not the best couch.
back in palm springs..
martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?
but kathryn's all..
with a side of food and liquor.
6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..
as an aside..
martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..
the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate, and jizz.
soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..
no shit it's good, mary.
once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.
frankly i'd rather talk about my ghost poops than recap this show.
why? bc this shit is about as exciting as watching that dick casey anthony go free.
btw ghost poops are a phenomenon where i take a poop, wipe, then stand to inspect the specimens in the toilet only to find an empty bowl. no trace of the poop to be found.
this is happening more and more frequently..
mysterious. and decidedly not awesome. it's like someone stealing your baby.
ok ok…i'm done.
where was i?
rather than take you on a boring ass play by play journey of this dumb show i will try to nutshell this bitch up.
k'ire is navigating around her bedroom trying to pack for london where she will decorate the country home of her ex boyfriend..
jackleen is creeping around the house like she's hiding something..
k'ire gives jackleen a pair of leather pants.
i have given some (jealous) thought to what jackleen's day probs looks like:
cooks, drinks, eats, cooks, cleans up its mess, sits in the courtyard smoking cigarettes,
maybe it does a load of laundry, drinks, takes what it wants, reads a paper in french, smokes, eats, cooks something,
tries on kathryn's clothes and jewelry, smokes, eats, counts its scarves, drinks and cooks dinner for the family,
drinks and smokes some more and then passes out on the floor of its bedroom.
actually it sounds an awful lot like my real life day.
jeff is whining about the floors not being right for another restaurant.
jeff sneaks behind ross's back and demos the floor right the fuck out of there.
then tries to sell the restaurant owner on 50k oak planks.
i'd like to say the owner punched him in the face, but i guess civilized people don't do that.
MLB shops in london for a one kings lane tastemaker tag sale.
which was today, acutally.
cool to see all the things he picked out in the shops on the OKL site.
also awesome to see rich people buying shit that is worth half or less than what they actually payed.
mary and larry show up at "dru's" house..
here we are to believe that this dru person lives in this totally staged house with its totally staged furniture and the totally staged homeowner is in need of decorating and that mary is conflicted about taking a job from a crazy person just for the money..
well guess what...
this shit ain't real.
i have it on high authority (my street smarts) that dru is acutally an actor paid to tell you that she loves the way the carpet meets the floors and the ugly windows and that she wants a gym in the middle of her living room...
she's dru alright.
foiled andy cohen!!!!!
your stupid fruit bouquet/phone call realness was no match for my street smarts!
back in the english countryside (my happy place)..
k'ire is hoping to get some action from her ex boyfriend/client..