worst recap ever

i watched this whole episode with a side eye...

that's not real!

that's not real!!

thaaat's NOT REAL!

 

fuck man.

i don't know what's real anymore.

 

actually this is real..

supersonic gay.

 

come to think of it...those bikes are props too.

 

i will leave this recap up to you..

 

1.

DID jeff foot the bill for those 50 thousand dollar floors?

were they even 50 thousand dollars?

 

 

2.

what kind of shampoo and conditioner do you think ross uses?

cuz i need it.

 

3. 

was shannon factor an illusion?

sent from hollywood, dru style?

 

 

4.

did you know that i am going to make this cake tomorrow and then eat a good bit of it?

lemon pound cake

 

 

5. 

MLB has a day named after him.

 

that's neat.

 

it's thundering outside right now.

 

 

6.

i thought mary's tent was pretty.

in fact she should decorate all hollywood tent parties.

unless it's a nathan indian tent party.

 

7.

i suspect the only reason nathan was on this show was because of mary.

 

 

 

8.

it is 3:40 pm right now.

 

9. 

there is wine in a glass next to my hand. 

every few seconds i take a sip.

 

10.

wingardium leviosa

 

 

11.

assholes.

 

 

12.

didn't you get a happy, warm feeling when jackleen drank the champagne?

i want a jackleen.

 

 

13.

charlene=liza minelli

 

 

14.

i would have been happier if this scene went down shirtless.

 

 

15.

i think this book is pretty lame.

 

 

16.

this used to be my favorite tv show.

 

 

17.

million dollar best friends!!!!!!!!!

 

 

are we done?

 

 

 

glitter shame,

 

million dollar buttholes

it's hot as fuck.

summer is my sad season.

everyone else is frolicking on beaches and enjoying cool drinks in moderately hot climes (that word is dumb- never ever use it) by the pool.  

i am stuck inside bc the air outside is like poison fire in my lungs and i have been warned by news persons 

that should i go outside i might die.

for real.

summer is a dick.

but i had to spend a good portion of the day in the car with broken windows.

so i had to inhale heat fire mixed with car pollution.

volatile.

i think i am dead.

 

 

this post is late for all of those reasons and more.

 

once again this show focused on the boring shit and not enough on the interesting shit..

like mary and nathan eating BBQ...

or k ire getting drunk and passing out by the pool.

and what we didn't see...

which was kathryn eating a pool boy, godzilla style, with her mouth. (and vagina)

 

 

on to the recap.

 

get ready to be bored mostly.. 

 

 

first up glowy and kathryn discuss shopping for lights and stuff..

this scene managed to make me want mcdonalds .

 

 

nathan makes a frankenstein couch..

 

 

 and he can't have no frankenstein couch at high point.

 

 

r u asleep yet?

 

 

meanwhile mary works in a CIA bunker..

 

 she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..

they are trying to find the french word for spider.

cuz her lamp looks like a spider.

duh.

what's french for botox?

 

 la chirurgie plastique 

 

aka scarelarious.

 

 

meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..

 

 

nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..

hotels are gross in general btw.

even the nice ones.

wait...this one was nice wasn't it?

or was it?

i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.

(p.s. they didn't stay here)

 

 

 

back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..

wait..

what?

oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.

i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.

 

let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...

who's got a scythe?

 

so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.

no..really.

look:

it's a janice dickinson table.

 

but it's too small for a coffee table.

 

 fiona prolly coulda told em that..

 

 

back at high point..

NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL!!!!

 

newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!

i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.

anyway..

newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.

 

and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..

 

over this couch:

which was totally not the best couch.

 

 

 

 back in palm springs..

martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?

 

but kathryn's all..

pool fuckers!

with a side of food and liquor.

 

6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..

as an aside..

martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..

it's called:

delicious

the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate,  and jizz.

 

 

soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..

 

no shit it's good, mary.

 

 

once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.

 

AND SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!

 

NO...ALIVE!!!!

 

 

 

but i'm pretty sure 30 years have past.

 

rumplekathskin.

 

 

million dollar dum-dums recap

frankly i'd rather talk about my ghost poops than recap this show. 

why?  bc this shit is about as exciting as watching that dick casey anthony go free.

btw ghost poops are a phenomenon where i take a poop, wipe,  then stand to inspect the specimens in the toilet only to find an empty bowl.  no trace of the poop to be found.

this is happening more and more frequently..

mysterious.  and decidedly not awesome.  it's like someone stealing your baby.  

 

ok ok…i'm done.

 

where was i?

 

oh right.

 

no where.

 

 

rather than take you on a boring ass play by play journey of this dumb show i will try to nutshell this bitch up. 

 

k'ire is navigating around her bedroom trying to pack for london where she will decorate the country home of her ex boyfriend..

 

weird.

 

 

jackleen is creeping around the house like she's hiding something..

 

 

k'ire gives jackleen a pair of leather pants.

 

i have given some (jealous) thought to what jackleen's day probs looks like:

 

cooks, drinks, eats, cooks, cleans up its mess, sits in the courtyard smoking cigarettes,

maybe it does a load of laundry, drinks, takes what it wants, reads a paper in french, smokes, eats, cooks something, 

tries on kathryn's clothes and jewelry, smokes, eats, counts its scarves, drinks and cooks dinner for the family, 

drinks and smokes some more and then passes out on the floor of its bedroom.

 

actually it sounds an awful lot like my real life day.

 

 

 

 

jeff is whining about the floors not being right for another restaurant.

 

total dick!!! 

 

jeff sneaks behind ross's back and demos the floor right the fuck out of there.

then tries to sell the restaurant owner on 50k oak planks.

 

 

 i'd like to say the owner punched him in the face, but i guess civilized people don't do that.

 

 

 

MLB shops in london for a one kings lane tastemaker tag sale.

which was today, acutally.

cool to see all the things he picked out in the shops on the OKL site.

also awesome to see rich people buying shit that is worth half or less than what they actually payed.

 

 

dumblarious.

 

 

mary and larry show up at "dru's" house..

here we are to believe that this dru person lives in this totally staged house with its totally staged furniture and the totally staged homeowner is in need of decorating and that mary is conflicted about taking a job from a crazy person just for the money..

 

well guess what...

this shit ain't real.

 

i have it on high authority (my street smarts) that dru is acutally an actor paid to tell you that she loves the way the carpet meets the floors and the ugly windows and that she wants a gym in the middle of her living room...

she's dru alright.

 

dru mouser..

actress.

 

foiled andy cohen!!!!!

 

your stupid fruit bouquet/phone call realness was no match for my street smarts!

 

 

back in the english countryside (my happy place)..

k'ire is hoping to get some action from her ex boyfriend/client..

 

 

uuuummmmm...

your call...

 

 

 

fart out,