it's sharing time. grab your antidepressants.

 

writing this post wasn't easy..

sharing it was not so easy either.

 

 i have been sitting on this post (that's what she said) for about 4 months.

and it's time to open the gates of our relationship into some real personal shit.

and since you people have saved me on more than one occasion (hello lemon on my wenis!) i am certain this can only be a good thing...for us all.

 

there are a lot of people out there reading this blog...i know it bc i see it in the stats.

so i am sure there are a few who will see things very differently from me.

just as i am sure there are a few who i will convince to see things my way.

which, unfortunately, is sort of still undecided even though my heart leans in one direction.

my point is i want everyone's opinion...sans judgement.

you can have an opinion without judgement.

 

because what might be good for me may not be good for you and vice versa.

 

 

you long time mfamb'ers know about my GAD- you might recognize it better as all-the-shit-i-complain-about-all-the- time-when-i-say-i-think-i-am-dying.

 

GAD-or generlized anxiety disorder, sucks wenis.

 

 

i have had it for about 12 years.  

probably even earlier.

we won't get into that right now but suffice it to say i was the kid who worried about everything.

like being possessed after watching the exorcist when i was 11.

 so much so that i refrained from gymnastics out in the yard when all the other kids were tumbling like proper, happy, fearless 11 year olds.

i was certain i'd levitate on up into the ether after a well executed round off.

it tormented me for a couple of years.

every day.  every night.

always there.

 

i worried about other things too..not just the ridiculous things...like swallowing your own tongue because it felt fat or sharks in the toilet- but about failing school, about falling down, about throwing up...the list goes on.

 

i was afraid of a lot.

 

and apparently that shit doesn't go away.

because despite the fact that i am, thankfully, no longer afraid of swallowing my tongue or sharks coming to eat my butt while i am peeing (their loss), i am still afraid of a lot of those things to this day, and more.

 

 sure, over the years anxiety hides and you develop tools to get through until the next time.

 

but there comes a time when it beats you down to the point that you just feel like maybe you need

help.

 

that point when all of the tricks you have used over the years aren't enough anymore.

 

i have been to lots of doctors (none of them psychiatrists or psychologists) and they all tell me to take an

antidepressant.

 

but here's the thing.

i am not depressed.

i don't think.

i DEFINITELY have anxiety.

but...depression?

i've never ever considered myself depressed.

i don't have any of the symptoms of depression other than anxiety and worry.

and insomnia.

when did we stop calling that PMS and start calling it depression?

 

IS this depression?

 

am i depressed?

 

is everyone depressed?

 

 

 

i have been taking lexapro for 4 days now.

this particular SSRI is used for anxiety more than depression.

it's supposed to quiet the monkeys.

however, it makes my anxiety worse. which in turn makes my insomnia worse. 

but i hear that that will stop and when it does i should feel like peeing rainbows and pooping sparkles.

maybe i need to take more.

maybe i need to take less.

maybe i need to put on my big girl panties and shut the fuck up.

 

it's funny...

now that i have been taking these things i have never been more conflicted over anything in my entire life.

i mean...really conflicted.

 

taking an antidepressant goes against everything i believe in my little hippie brain.

and yet...i am suffering with such terrible insomnia and anxiety.

i guess one would call this an episode? a flare up?

 

my thinking is that i should be able to get through this on my own.

and then there is the other voice that just as quickly says...yeah..but how's that working out for ya?

and then THAT voice says...but what about getting off these things?  i hear it's mind and soul crushingly hard and that it makes all the things you started taking them for to begin with come back a million times worse.

and often those that never had depression suddenly have terrible depression bc your god given serotonin is being fucked with in an unnatural way.

and yes...i know...those psych docs they LOVE to talk about some people's brains just don't work the same way as others..and i'll give them that..

BUT!!

and this is my biggest but of all..

WHY do their brains not work as well?

why do they have less serotonin or whatever..

and why can't it be fixed naturally?

are people really investigating that?

what about eliminating or changing the things in your life that are making you sad, or angry or anxious?

are we really trying to do that?

i don't want to take a happy pill when i can change the things in my life that are making me unhappy and be NATURALLY happy.

know what i mean?

 

and yet...i am still not sleeping and my anxiety is in full force.

do i give these things a chance when i want to flush them down the toilet and then pull them back out and wipe them off and whisper i'm sorry to them?

 

or do i face the scary changes that i need to make?

what are those changes?

i'm not sure i even know.

change is hard.

change doesn't happen overnight.

people don't like change.

pills are easier.

 

but when you get off those pills after a few years...aren't your issues still there?

if you never confronted them in the first place?

 

it's the ultimate conflict.

 

Have a dialogue between the two opposing parts and you will find that they always start out fighting each other until we come to an appreciation of difference, ... a oneness and integration of the two opposing forces. Then the civil war is finished, and your energies are ready for your struggle with the world.

-frederick solomon perls

 

don't think for one minute that i have any idea what the fuck that means.

but it sounds right.

 

 

my friends...

i wanna hear your thoughts.

do you take them?

would you take them?

there are monkeys in my brain and they are throwing shit and laughing and stabbing my fragile cortex.

 

do YOU take antidepressants?

tell me, for how long? for what? 

how many of us are going through this?

let's not go through it alone.

 

if you're afraid to tell the internet about your probs please email me personally if you'd like.

or you can anon yourself in the comments.

i would PREFER if you emailed me personally bc then i know who you are and bc i can email you back with no less than 70 annoying questions.

 i promise i won't tell.

but i am cool with 4,000 anon comments...i think.

 

 

 

just don't leave me hangin.

 

SSRI farts,

 

 

 

 

i blame MIR

that's mercury in retrograde FYI

and thankfully i don't have to tell you what FYI means.

it's all just code for you don't understand your body, mind and life anymore.

 

 

i found it pretty amazing that all of my readers (hi) were not only sympathetic to my wanting to bail this bitch...

but were in the same scary boat to nowhere.

 

i have been thinking on this for several minutes (approx. 12) each day since the 1982 post.

i wondered if the majority of commenters were over the age of 35.

bc i thought it's certainly possible that a great handful of us are at a certain point in our lives where we just don't know what it's all for.

you know....

all of that existential crap that you hear about in your 20's and early 30's and think about for like, a half a second just before you put on your lip gloss and go out and get slutty drunk.

 

 

 is it just a mid life thing?

maybe it's several things.

maybe it IS mercury in retrograde.

 

 

let's discuss for a second what MIR is anyway...

first the meaning of the word 'retrograde'..

essentially it means moving backward.

in astronomy it means:


moving in an orbit in the direction opposite to that of the earth in its revolution around the sun

 

 

 so what does it mean when they say mercury is in retrograde?

well,

every year, mercury turns retrograde roughly 4 times. 

 it's really just an optical illusion based on the approximate speeds of earth and mercury around the sun.

 

so is there something to this?

 

according to astrologers mercury governs thinking and perception, all forms of communication and transportation.

 

so how does it affect us?

 

total fucking chaos and bad shit is what.

 

things like:

personal misunderstandings,  flawed, disrupted or delayed communications, negotiations and trade and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars and train – all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information has gone astray.

(KIEL POLLITT-astrologer person)

 

fucking mercury!

 

 

so..

when is mercury in retrograde, exactly?

 

ummmm.......right now.

 

july 14th- august 8th.

 

after that time shit will begin to settle.

 

hopefully.

 

 

ok so what do we do until that time? 

sit back and let mercury side-fuck our butts?

 

 

what do the "experts" say?

 

according to astrologer kiel pollitt the best approach is a non-reactive one.

as in..

don'tquityourblogjustbecauseyouhavenothingtowriteabout.

 

"treat the time period as one of information gathering, as the information will be in constant change"

 

 

"allow yourself plenty of time when traveling and practice patience when you feel yourself becoming agitated"

 

 

 "mercury retrograde always asks you to review what you have already started rather than to take on anything new"

 

 

"once mercury turns direct, you can resume making plans and continue business as usual"

 

 

 i don't know how much i truly believe all of this astrology business...

and honestly it would appear that MIR is more about miscommunication and numbers than total fucking brain meltdown.

i mean..

what about when mercury isn't in retrograde and bad shit happens or sadness consumes you day and night?

 

who or what do we blame then?

 

 

for me...

when i feel this way...it is a signal that i need something to change.

but figuring out what that is since marriage, kids, family...settling down...side-tracked career path...

etc...is not so easy.

 

 

i've always believed that things happen for a reason if you open your eyes to them.

 

in other words...when shit happens you can find good in it if you try hard enough.

except when mothers lose their children.

that is something i can never wrap my head around and it's my primary reason for not totally believing in god.

there.  i said it.

whew.

shit just got heavy here.

 

i don't intend to entertain anyone's religious agenda here so don't even bother.

i will cut you out like an infected wound.

 

so...

what to do?

well, in my 1982 post i mentioned needing to connect with nature again.

 which i still haven't done.

too hot?

too busy? 

too tired?

*coughcoughbullshit*

 

these pictures remind me of how important it is to do just that.

 

and how healing it can be...connecting with nature.

 

for me it is the closest to god i get.

 

 being outside isn't the answer to our problems, certainly not my own, but i'd like to think that it's a start.

if anything i think it's a great place to just listen to your thoughts and body.

i believe we have all the medicine we require to heal ourselves, mentally and physically.

but man is that hard to invoke!

sure, help is there in the form of drugs and therapy and i certainly won't be the one who takes a shit on that for you.

sometimes they are necessary to start the healing process.

but i am going to try and listen to my inner hippie wisewoman and then take small steps to a better me.

i need to do better. i need to BE better.  

the truth is i am not at all where i thought i would be in my life at this point.

what's more is that i don't think i thought that far ahead after 35.

but here i am...after 35 and i have no idea what i am doing.

 

whether it's all as simple as mercury in retrograde i don't know..

but i do know that life IS VERY short.

 

time will tell you that, kids remind you of it and the shame of a housewives marathon smacks you in the face with it.

 

 

 in any case i am totally blaming mercury in retrograde for all of my zits.

 

 

all images except for FM courtesy of the sick talented jonathan levitt