good thing vanilla ice was there.

 

V.I. surely furnished his whole house at home depot.

 

fact #1: i did not watch this episode.

fact #2: i don't need to because i have eyes.

 

as i was gathering the images for this post i honestly was like.."dear god help me to understand why these people have such a hard time with this white box challenge".

then i started to notice that the turds were in a home depot like store filling their baskets with home depot like goods.

 

ohhhh...i get it.

 

they had to design the white boxes using shit entirely from home depot.

 that would suck massive amounts of ding dong.

and then i started to look at the heinously decorated box-rooms with a more sympathetic heart..

 

i don't spend an awful lot of time in home depot but i do know that there is a lot of this:

 

 

i know there are lights and sinks and rugs and maybe even pillows...

but mostly it's hardware and builder shit.

you know it.

i know it.

and vern knows it.

 

so yes this was a challenge.

but again..

a challenge that no one in real life EVER will have to face.

which makes it totally stupid.

 

is it so wrong to ask that you provide us with a show where people get to decorate a room using things that are pretty?

it's hard enough to decorate a room that way..

there are plenty of real life challenges to face when decorating a room.

why must we see what someone does with dirt and rope?

 

so i have sympathy this week for the turds.

because i have no idea what i would do.

 

 

here's what i DO know..

this is a box.

no windows.

no architecture.

no interest.

 

in my mind you need to add all of those elements.

and you need to fill. it. up.

 

 

 

i will save you the boredom of the boring rooms that didn't win or lose but still sucked.

and get on to the best and the worst.

 

best:

oh it's heinous.

don't get me wrong.

but she filled it up.

and she filled it up with pattern which detracts from the boxiness.

and she filled it up with plants.

and her art is good.

 

 

this is honestly so fucking terrible that it's awesome.

again, i didn't actually watch this episode or even the usual last 20 minutes..

so this guy could have totally been serious and arty and full of himself..

which would make him the ultimate douchebag.

but if he is taking a piss here..i LOVE HIM FOR IT.

it's almost like he said "choke on my bitterness vern!"

 

 

the worst:

he oughta be beaten for the placement of that rug alone.

 

what the shit?

 

and he added that floor?!???

 

i don't know who went home but i hope it was this guy.

 

 

 

nasty.

in every sense of the word.

it looks like it smells like stripper sweat.

and i think i see some cocaine on the floor.

 

 

 

looking through all of the rooms there wasn't anything that i was like...oohh...i'd do that.

there never is really. 

but i get that that's not the point.

i GET that you (hgtv) are trying to find a star.

someone who can create something out of nothing, someone who has a personality and can make do with what's on hand if pressed.

and i GET that challenges like this help you to weed out the truly terrible with the truly creative.

but it's bc of this that i don't need to watch this show.

i can gather all the info i need from the last 20 minutes or photos on the website.

 

if i were in charge here i would do like they did on top design..

i would have little pre- challenge challenges where the contestants had to be creative on the spot.

this is where you do your home depot shit.

then whoever did the best would get immunity.

and then you could have them do the real challenge which could be oh, i don't know..ummm..

decorate a room on a small budget?

isn't that enough of a challenge?

 

 

someone please bring back top design.

 

newell?

you might need to head this up.

 

who's with me?

newell. newell. newell!

 

 i am offering my services as guest judge.

 

 

 

 

 

design turd episode 1


design star season 42 is upon us and folks, shit still be terrible.

 

if you're new here i make fun of this show.

 

 

the lead singer of creed is on the show...

 he hasn't sung about jesus yet but i fully expect him to.

 

look at that chin!

 

 

also daisy fuentes is a judge.

or is she a one time only judge?

i don't really know i only watched the last 20 minutes.

(20 minutes i'll never get back)

either way..what the diarrhea is daisy fuentes doing judging design?!

no really...tell me.

does she have a celebrity line for rooms to go?

kohls?

does kohls sell furniture?

 

i'm losing focus.

 

as i said i only watched the last 20 minutes which is essentially all you need to see.

 

here are some of the designs..

not terrible. 

but not good either.

ok it's mostly terrible.

those sheers need to be burned in a fire.

i have to know if those porn-rape basement lights on the ceiling are for tv purposes?

 if this was my room i would have ripped them down when no one was looking.

also, i would have obviously hung a more substantial curtain.

and you know how i hate FEATURE WALLS!!!!!

that "chevron" just ends up looking like ghetto charlie brown's dollar store t shirt.

and who's the asshole who chose that green gray carpet?

shoot them.

 

 

 

jesus another feature wall.

i like the wall color.

and i appreeeeeciate the way the white fretwork pops off the blue.

but the scale of EVERYTHING is wrong.

why didn't anyone think to get a bigger rug?

or a few rugs to create "areas".

and why does this room have hospital tile and the other one has murder carpet?

that cowhide just looks ridiculous and what the fuck is the ottoman for?

scale people. SCALE!!!

and i guess those rapey lights are for tv.

 

 

there were plenty of "art" installations.

 

that little table covered in tape was my favorite of all of the everything.

i would do that.

and that's saying something.

 

 

 bless her heart.

 

 

this person has no business decorating rooms for money.

and she certainly has no business on the TV convincing people that this is good.

feature wall? check!

lime green/royal purple complete double feature wall what does it mean?  check! check!

this looks like the "family room" in a juvi center.

i hope they set it on fire.

 

 

everyone raved over the fucking moose on a black wall.

in fact i think the girl who did it is the girl who won.

 

excuse me...

this room is horrible.

and the moose makes absolutely no sense in it.

and that tiny tv with the framing around it is about the worst thing i've seen on this show.

in fact i think this person should have gone home.

but not before they were beaten to death.

 

if it were me..

and i HAD to work with a moose i would have made it more rustic and cozy.

less z gallerie meets homegoods meets hairy butthole.

 

 

 

don't get me wrong.

i HATE this.

but it's the best of the worst.

it's layered.

it looks comfy.

and

i love monochrome.

but this is tooooo monochrome.

throw some wood in the mix and something that looks like the earth spit it out.

 

however, the real problem with this room is there isn't enough furniture in it.

the 2 sofas seem to be 4,000 miles from one another.

and it would have been so much better if they mixed it up a little.

why does everything have to be 2 of the same thing?

identical sofas, identical rugs, identical coffee tables, identical chairs...

 

identical thumbs down..

 

 

hello.

wake up designers.

 

 

this is all hgtv is providing in the pictures department.

probably for good reason.

 

 

next week someone poops out a table and vern's head explodes.

and then thousands of tiny verns come out and dance on it   

all the while candace's penis keeps the beat like a metronome.

 

 

 

go and shoot yourself in the face with a canon if you plan to watch this show

 

 

 

 yay us!!

 

we get to listen to meg's laryngititular cotton mouth midwestern accent say the words "Design Crimes" forever and ever!

ear crimes.

eye crimes.


 

 

also:

 

right?!!!?

 

anyway...

 

here's what you missed...

 

 

meg and karl decorate a room.

 

both rooms suck.

 

the end.

 

"hahahahahahahahahDESIGNCRIMES!"

 

 

DESIGN CRIMES!!!!

 

 

 

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 dezIne cryymz