go and shoot yourself in the face with a canon if you plan to watch this show

 

 

 

 yay us!!

 

we get to listen to meg's laryngititular cotton mouth midwestern accent say the words "Design Crimes" forever and ever!

ear crimes.

eye crimes.


 

 

also:

 

right?!!!?

 

anyway...

 

here's what you missed...

 

 

meg and karl decorate a room.

 

both rooms suck.

 

the end.

 

"hahahahahahahahahDESIGNCRIMES!"

 

 

DESIGN CRIMES!!!!

 

 

 

D
E
S
I
G
N

 

C
R
I
M
E
S

 

 dezIne cryymz

 

 

 

design star- they shoot horses don't they?

sorry for the delay my people. 

these recaps take time and i got no time sometimes.

word.

 

so..

this week is just chock full of terrible design and sad, ugly surprises.

but then i guess every week is isn't it?

 

starting with the release of my beloved cathy out to pasture...

 

look closely..

 

don't cry cathy. 

 

 

 this time the turds have to design a wedding reception in 2 days.


The Bride: 

contradiction.

 

 

The Groom:

 this spells divorce.

 

 

once again cathy is on her high horse and begins spouting off all of her wedding design credentials:

3 weddings not including her own plus the wedding design distinction of wedding design wedding emmy.

president of weddings

 

 

cathy persuades forces everyone to let her be in charge of the bride and groom table..

and then she licks her salt rock.

 

 

karl, kevin and mark are in charge of the not victorian gentleman's lounge..

 

karl thinks it's dumb to have a disjointed mid century style lounge area at a victorian themed wedding.

duh. it is. 

but the bride wanted an orange and yellow victorian glamour shots room,

and the groom likes skateboards and crooners.

 

so there's that obstacle.

 

if it were me i wouldn't have taken what they wanted so literally.

i would have nodded and been like...mmhhmm...skateboards..cool...ohh...uhh huh...orange and yellow..mmhmm....colors..

 

then i would have made a real pretty wedding reception and dina manzo's brain would have exploded into a thousand tiny, gay wedding planners and they all would have hi'fived me.

 

anway..

kevin don't care..

he's just excited that he can do more 50's kitsch and mark just wants to build something out of skateboards.

 

 

depsite his best efforts to creep everyone out..

 

karl says fuck this shit..i'm gonna go ruin a flower arrangement. 

 

 

mark sketches out some dumb skateboard hanging ladder of stupidness..

 victorian skateboard ladder.

of stupidness.

 

lord bromstuff shows up for the camera challenges..

these camera challenges are just getting way outta hand...

 

 

leslie has a stroke...

 

meg poops her pants...

 

and then it's back to making everything look more terrible..

 

 meg makes flower trophies..

how many times did that shit get knocked over?

answer: 1000

 

 

kellie makes a giant orange victorian spider...

scary.

 

 

leslie draped some fabric over a table and lit a candle..

i will cut her some slack since that was probably all she could manage with her new stroke arm.

 

and

 

karl proved that you can make flowers look ugly..

 

the turds cut it close time wise bc of all the table setting and shit clearing.

 

there is stampeding..

careful meg.  don't knock over the flower arrangements.  or everything else.

 

time for judging..

 

dina manzo is beside herself with disgust.

this shit would never happen at the brownstone

 

 

the winner this week was mark with his lighting smarts and skateboard ladder building...

 turning asian.

 

asian head bow of gratitude.

 

 

the loser is cathy with her weak bride and groom table..

whatever..it's not worse than that lame asian skateboard ladder.

or the prom meet and greet table that leslie fashioned out of an indain sari.

 

cathy straight up left bc no one liked her.

end of story.

 

well, and there was no way anyone could have looked into those giant orbs for too long without feeling extremely uncomfortable.

 

 

 

 

design star recap- LOL 4EVER!!

i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.

last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.

the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).

my underarms smell like onions.

and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.

we gots'to make this quick..

 

this week the turds are on the jersey shore..

the jersey shore

 

standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen


 the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free.  smart thinking semens!  maybe. 

 

the semens

 

 

cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???

once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.

 

meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..

kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?

 

"neeeigh!"

 

that means yes!

 

 

meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..

"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"

 

 just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..

they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..

look closely...inspiration is happening.

 

 

 leslie hangs some doormats..

 

brett gets a cute chair..

 

 

kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..

 cathy don't give a shit.

 

meg buys some ugly fabric..

 

 

karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..

seashore mural of dumbness

 

 

cathy hates life and kevin.. 

 

 

mark is making a rope ladder..

 

"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"

 

 

"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"

 


bret is losing..

no really.  he loses.

 

 

day 3.

the day of the bromstad.

as in on camera tip day.

as in i don't care day.

as in this is the worst part of this show.

as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.

as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.

 

 

day 3.5

judgement day.

vern and genevieve show up.

tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..

kathy ireland..

 

 since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..

it's called: swim meat

scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.

 

back to the judging..

kathy loves everything.

genevieve loves leslie's rugs.

vern loves sweaters.

 

collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:

 

 

 

it was my favorite too.

and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.

in its defense..

it was fun.

in its offensiveness..

it was still gimmicky.

 

in last place was bret and his headboard..

 whatever..

6 of one, a half dozen of the other.

6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..

6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.

 

 

turd love,