some vaginal updates and a letter from downton..

hi guys. 

imma keep this short and sweet so i can get back to doing nothing.

#1- i attempted to record my day yesterday but i was so nervous and when i'm nervous i'm quiet and/or mean.

i was afraid you'd all ask for your money back.

 

#2- the biopsy went as well as i could have hoped other than the worlds most nauseatingly horrific knife-like stabs for a solid 20 minutes.

seriously, i died for a minute and saw 'the light'. 

 

#3- my doctor saw a white edge on a part of my cervix which she biopsied.  she called it something but i was dizzy and still in my happy place from the pain so i was kind of deaf at the time.

she also saw a polyp which (gag) wasn't full of mucous.  (tip- most of them are. i did not know this.)

she said that most polyps don't present any cancer cells.  some do, but most don't.

since mine wasn't filled with (gag) mucous she thinks that this is what was causing the glandular abnormalities.

she also biopsied into my uterus (HOLYFUCKPAIN) and since she couldn't see in it bc my silly cervix was in the way we still don't have any idea what was in there.

so..

to sum up.

piece of polyp on its way to lab.

piece of white edge on its way to lab.

piece of uterus on it's way to lab.

good news- more than likely the polyp was causing the abnormalities.

and polyps usually don't contain cancer cells.

worse case scenario- polyp is full of cancer cells and i have to have it surgically removed.

but all i heard when she said those words was "you'll be put to sleep" and i was like...thank jesus!

there is still the chance that there was something in the uterus but i think that chance is pretty low considering the polyp.

 

and lastly, i want to say thank you again for your help.

bc of you i was able to swipe the card and pay for the whole procedure plus doctor visit plus remainder of last doctor visit.

that was the most incredible feeling in the world.

there is no financial burden looming over our heads.

so thank you so so much.

from all of us.

we are so grateful.

 

finally..

my parents left for england on friday and this is the letter i was sent via email on sunday..

it is written by my dad.

 

 

Dear Jenny, Mike & Fi,

Well, here we are in the UK.  As you know, we spent our first night in-country at the Downton Abbey "estate".  I'm not sure where to start.  First of all, the scene you see of the house from a distance is a movie facade.  Really!  Inside there's one of those indoor water parks with a water slide, wave pool, miniature golf layout, and the 'Lord Grantham Petting Zoo'.  Speaking of which, I now know the real reason Lord G sent the maid packing; seems there is a VERY jealous sheep named Molly who didn't take kindly to this budding relationship.  Most of the time Lord G walks around dressed like Mr. Greenjeans asking little boys and girls if they want to pet his sock puppet lamb.  Weird man!

The food wasn't too bad but we found out early on that you need get to the restaurant fairly early.  As the evening goes on, Mrs Patmore gets increasingly drunk so if you don't want cigarette ashes in your soup eat at the first sitting.  BTW, we never could get an adequate explanation of why she's called MRS Patmore.  There seems to be no record, or knowledge of, a MR Patmore.  When one asks, one is met with a stony silence.  Hmmm.

NEWS FLASH!  Lady Mary is NO lady.  Word has it that that Turkish fella didn't die from a weak heart.  Shaquille O'Neal wouldn't last a night with her!  Poor Matthew!  Each morning he looks as though ALL bodily fluids have been drained from his body.  He comes to breakfast sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.


Thomas and Mrs O'Brien have a lounge act.  Two shows nightly.  Picture the scene from the Fabulous Baker Boys with Michele Pfeiffer sitting on the piano accompanied by Jeff Bridges.  In this act though it's Thomas sitting on the piano dressed in pink chiffon, smoking a cigarette, and singing a throaty version of 'Is That All There Is'.  Speaking of cigarettes, those are NOT regular cigarettes.  The guy's a stoner.  He's never without one.  O'Brien keeps up a steady patter of fart jokes when Thomas isn't singing.  "Thank-you, thank-you very much, we'll be here all week".

The DC joined us for dinner last night.  Poor dear!  It's time to park the bus.  We heard some gurgling at the end of the table and found her face down in her soup.  In those increasingly rare moments of lucidity, she loves to talk about her days as a camp follower during the Boer War.  It's easy to see who in the family, Lady Mary favors.

Lady Edith walks around all day trying to get someone to talk to her.  Perhaps if she wouldn't start every conversation with "hello, do you think I'm pretty?" she might have more success.

Lady Sybil and Branson are a couple of bomb-throwing left-wing commies.  No sense of humor what-so-ever.  In the spirit of the "special relationship" between our two countries, I suggested a toast to the royal family.  Big mistake!  Food fight was on.  The DC found it all very amusing though, she awoke long enough to giggle hysterically and promptly went back to sleep.

Carson and Mrs Hughes!  Now there's a pair.  I got lost trying to find a working toilet and accidentally walked into the butler's pantry.  There was Mrs Hughes in full leather regalia with a riding crop in one hand, a martini in the other and riding on Carson's back (who was dressed in a French Maid's outfit).  I politely declined their invitation and continued my search.



More later.

Mom & Dad 

 

 

 

 

letter #2 tomorrow!

 

 p.s. my parents ARE in england but they are NOT at highclere castle.

they are in yorkshire though.

but the real highclere castle is no where near yorkshire.

now you are smarter.


have you seen?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 There will be Edwardian marquees in her field and a circus tent for the children, with a miniature drum kit and their own DJ and tepees for them to sleep in. A stage is being built by hand, “which I’m going to keep for festivals for the future,” she explains.

 

 

i know where i'd be.

right after i plowed through that cake and took a bath in that champagne tower.

 

serioulsy the prettiest wedding i have ever seen.

 

go here for more images and to read the article.

you won't be sorry.

 

 

speaking of diarrhea'ing on your legs....and princess food..

 i wonder how many pairs of undwear she went though this morning..

can you even imagine being her right now???!!!

i have not seen anything yet bc i was sleeping.

but it's all DVR'd so i will sit down in a bit once fiona is off to school and fast forward through all the boring shit.....dress....boring shit.....vows/boring shit.....wave to her people....boring shit...end. 

 

so..

in honor of a reg granola type girl becomming a princess lets 

 start the day right with some delicious, delicious nutvomit..

 

 

around lunchtime let's eat this...

 

and then follow that up with a trough full of this..

cakemouth.

 

come back later for i have something awesome to show you..

 

tiara farts,

food images (and recipes) via what katie ate