this post brought to you by cat vomit and the color green

so green could mean many beautiful things and in this case it partly does..

but if you live in the southeast it more than likely, for you, means the color of your boogers.

but maybe more like yellow with a tinge of green.

too much?

sorry-

it's monday and i woke up to a huge pile of cat vomit on my suzani upholstered chairs...

which means you have to undure it to some degree too.

 

good news though,

fiona's room is so so close to completion and it's gonna be good.

the desk is here and it looks like it was born to be in the room.

but it needs to be painted.

the color is a little different than most people would choose for a little girl's desk or any desk for that matter.

but my thinking is the room is so girly already with the purple walls and the designers guild orangerie floral explosion headboard that it needs a little muted moodiness. 

here's the idea:

that's the desk that the paint cards are sitting on and that's the hardware that is already on the desk.

there is a little bench that is going to be upholstered in this:

faux ostrich vinyl.

in hot pink.

 

i'm dying over it.

 

here is a close up of the upholstery fabric:

 

lot's of that olive green roaming around.

 

i am going to pick up a sample of the green today.

 

then all i need is the bedskirt (which should be here this week)

 

then i need to take pictures.

(jesus take the wheel)

 

p.s.

nature's miracle is the best for cleaning cat vomit.

and the neti pot is the best for cleaning pollen vomit. 

 

 

 

 

a new week full of hope + AHS recapping

 

 it's monday!

a new week ya'll!

a week of possibilities and a chance encounter of a 3 way with the dudes from immortals.

not really.  but maybe really. anything's possible with a positive attitude!

 

our family is on the road to wellness so i am in a particularly good mood today.

also though i don't encourage the stomach virus diet it is a great way to lose a quick 5-10 lbs.

in my case it was 8.

there is none of that pesky hunger and cravings bullshit...just straight up nausea for 2 solid weeks.

 

so if anyone wants me to suck on a lollipop and send it to you in the mail just say the word!

it's all the rage right now.

 

now..

onto why you are here.

american horror story recaps!

 

things i learned:

cam hates pigs.

 pregnant women should eat brains.

and i can totally get a psychic off of craigslist. 

 and

there is no way in hell you would find me inside of anyone's bathroom let alone the MURDER house bathroom (sidenote- i don't believe for one second that a guy who knows every single urban legend horror story wouldn't be abreast of the fact that his sexy therapist held his practice inside murder house usa. not one second)

anyway...no way in hell i would play "here piggy pig pig" with the lights out in that GD bathroom.

or any bathroom. unless i was 12.

and that's only bc at 12 your head is usually pretty far up your own ass and therefore blinded by such pig person murderer realities.

 

also if jessica lange doesn't win an emmy i will Occupy the Red Carpet.

 

ok so..let's recap..

 

a very uneasy episode this week, eh?

 

the whole columbine parallel was a little too much, even for me.

on the one hand i thought,

some disturbed, emotionally immature teenager is gonna be like...yeah..kill my school!!

i was torn..

bc on the other hand that made for some real fucking scary shit.

too scary maybe.

the pee on the floor bit was just not ok.

 

but for our purpose of wanting this show to be as scary as possible...

 

this week disturbed the ever loving diarrhea out of me. 

 

so WIN!

 

 during the whole shootout scene i was like...that tate asshole!!!!!!

 

but then when he was sad and apparently in denial about what he had done i was like..

awww... poor little tater tot.

 

talk about mind games, ryan murphy you slut!

 

speaking of teen sluts..

finally violet uses her smarts and utilizes panic google to find out that zombie glee kids weren't actually in halloween costumes picking on her boyfriend.

nope..they were ghosts!

and so is her boyfriend.

surprise..

you did it with a ghost.

lucky you.

all demi got was some soft core pottery sessions.

 

 

once violet realizes her life is over she walks downstairs calling for her mommy only to find jessica at the table smoking cigarettes.

jessica lange at this point could give 3000 fucks about violet's problems.

she just needs tate to stay put at murder house.

she tells violet to come over to her house bc she has something to show her.

and that something is a sexy craigslist psychic medium.

as if.

both jessica and puffy lips medium (new rap name!) are all..

listen, you need to understand you have been chosen.

the ghosts have chose your ass, be one with it and all will be well.

at this point there is some old lady grandma ghost memory and violet freaks out and leaves.

 

 

up next vivian is rubbing her demon hooved baby belly in a dream.

when she wakes up she's scared and presses the rent-a-cop button (where can i get one of these please? while were at it a rent-a-doctor would save me A LOT of panic google time)

and then poof!  

there is hot chocolate all up in her face with the eyes and the smile and the skin and the uniform and the muscles.

she is ready to maybe make out with him when her deadbeat husband walks in and cock blocks everything.

 

she is visibly disappointed.

 

but she then proceeds to tell him that she is disgusted by his face and that after his last session of the day he better leave so she can have alone time with her sexy thoughts, basically.

 

 after this we see derek aka cam from modern family talking about how he's scared of every urban legend out there..

like pigs who murder you when you call them in a mirror.

i had never heard of this one before.

 

eric stonestreet was amazing.

he officially creeped me and endeared me.

 

ben tells derek he needs to go home and practice saying it the mirror and the only way he will grow and get over his fear is if he can get through it.

without getting slaughtered obvs.

bc if he got slaughtered by a pig man, well then..not such a life milestone.

 

 

back in the kitchen..

viv recieves a big ol package of raw organs from constance.

she tells cock-eyed moira to cook it all up with some buttersauce.

bc pregnant ladies need to eat shit like that.

and much to viv's surprise it is super delicious!

 

 

 meanwhile..

violet being the ignorant asshole teenager that she is decides the best way to handle her ghost situation is to cut her arm up with a razor blade and take some pills.

 

tate to the rescue again!

he gagged that bitch and gave her a nice hot shower.

 

 

some shit happens.

more shit happens..

ghost in the shower..

violet goes to the school and asks about tate..

moira gets sort of fired..

viv eats a brain..

WAAAIT!!!

fuckmeinmyfacesheeatsafreshjuicybloodsoakedbrain!

like mainlines it!

so

so

so

grawesome!

(gross + awesome)

 

then viv goes to see the baby tech that passed out at the contents of her uterus.

in a church bc it was her safeplace.

where she tries rather pathetically to convince viv that her baby has hooves and a tail.

i mean come on...who's gonna believe a crazy fucker like that.

 

if i were the tech here's what would have gone down..

 

me the tech: ok, let's have a look here inside your belly (smiles warmly)

viv: ok this is so exciting.

me the tech: (talking to self) let..me..just..get a little of this..cold..goop..on..THERE...ok..

HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!

do you see this shit?

what the hell?

(turns monitor around to show viv)

viv: HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!!

WHAT IS THAT!?!?!?

and scene.

 

so anyway..

the tech is obviously a lunatic so anything that she says is not credible in viv's mind.

obviously my way just doesn't create good tv tension.

ok.

so we still aren't sure what's going on in there.

 

over in cam's bathroom we see him about to overcome his fear of being murdered by a pig headed monster..

unfortunately for him there is a robber in his tub shower who clearly doesn't like to be called a pig.

and then kablammo..

bullet into cam's forehead.

 

and in the emmy winning moment of the night..

constance and her CL medium communicating with addie.

constance tells her dead daughter how pretty she was and stuff and it was sad.

 

more stuff happens..

tate get's blown to bits by a swat team..

 

tate and violet spoon and it's over.

the end.

 

any revelations this week?

here's something..

the frankenbaby that the doctor was sewing together had hooves..

right?

so what if that baby is the baby inside of viv?

it's a total ghost baby frankenpig!

 

 

 

sharing dreams and things..

you know your day will be good when you wake up from a night full of riding ron swanson through the airport like a gorilla.  

if you have to ask who ron swanson is you are dead to me.

go get with the program.

anyway..

it was like what breathing air must feel like after being trapped in a coffin all night long. (it can happen)

or like a sip of water after 4 days in a desert. (also happens- ask border patrol)

don't ask me why.

it just was.

it was motherfuckingronswanson.

 

anyhow.

 

i have this reocurring dream...

usually this portion of dreamtime comes right after my "weird" dream..

it's almost like it's my safe place of dreams.

 

 where my mind goes after something really strange or weird happens.

aka riding ron swanson like a gorilla..

 

it's in a very cool mall.

no mall i have ever actually been in.  

just a really BIG mall with the best mall stores.

zara, h&m, forever 21, pella shoes, merry-go-round, orange julius, the wild pair..

you know..THE BEST! 

 

in this dream i am usually in a hurry.

once i was chasing nene from RHOATL on roller skates.

and it's ALWAYS a good time..

but i have to get through this mall somehow..quickly..

i have to enter it and exit it.

i never buy anything..

but i still somehow love being there just the same.

i am always alone.

and i am just in a happy place...despite being in a hurry and not buying anything.

 

last night the airport turned into the mall and ron swanson turned into dust.

 

what is your recurring dream?

share it.

winner gets a small painting..

 

i am awesome on a monday.