come to jesus (*UPDATES)

i sat here staring at my screen for 20 minutes.

thinking about how to say what i have to say and debating whether or not i should say anything.

but the truth is i have to say.

bc you guys are my internet life.

but beyond that anytime i post personal things you guys always come through with helpful comments and kind words.

so i suppose at the end of the day that is why i am telling you.

well, that and the fact that i haven't even begun a downton recap bc i have had so much on my mind and very little space for humor these past few days..

 

so...

 

back at the beginning of the month when i scheduled the gastro appointment i also scheduled a gyno appointment.

it was time and i know that sometimes gastro issues can be caused by scary lady cancer things.

well, the good news is my gastro issues have almost completely gone away since cutting gluten from my diet.

i still get the occasional bout with poop/no poop/poop/no poop.

but over all...a marked improvement.

the bad news is the gyno found some abnormalities.

specifically glandular abnormalities.

now, for those that don't know much about your pap smear results (don't worry i didn't either)

usually what comes back to the doctor is either going to be nothing wrong (or no abnormalities present),

low grade abnormalities, high grade abnormalities or glandular abnormalities.

none of these mean you have cancer.

just that further testing is required. 

unfortunately the glandular abnormalities are the rarest kind.

and that means that average gynos don't have a lot of know how when dealing with them.

and some say that seeing a gyno oncologist is best even if your biopsies come back negative.

you see most abnormal paps mean you have hpv (i don't) or pre cancerous cells on the cervix.

glandular abnormalities are further inside.

up in the cervical canal.

or into the uterus.

they point to uterine cancer as well as cervical cancer (it's like double your chances).

 the glandular cells are harder to see and harder to diagnose.

 

what happens next for me is a biopsy (3 in fact) all up inside my baby maker.

that happens on the 27th.

 

when the results come back (i will need a shipment of xanax from all you pharmacists out there reading)

depending on the nature, i will either be in the clear..

as in no cancerous cells just inflammation and/or an infection..

fine gimme some antibiotics and i will never ever ever ver evervbevrvervevrevr skip a fucking gyno appointment again!!!

or i will have some level of cancerous cells..

ok, laser cone that shit out immediately and never ever ever ever evrevroierbwebwehfevererererere skip a gyno appointment again!!!

or i will have full blown cancer and i will have to have a hysterectomy.

so worst case scenario sucks ding dong but it's not a death sentence, i know that...

but it's still scary as balls anytime cancer is uttered in regards to your person.

 

 

 

back in 1998 i had surgery to remove pre cancerous cells and i was told it happens to so many and nothing to worry about.  it was scary but being so young i felt pretty invincible and when you are young you are a total asshole about shit like that.  

well this time the doctor was a little more serious about it.

a private office visit serious.

with pictures and diagrams and shit.

and words like "this is rare" and "it could be" and "if it is you will be referred to an ONCOLOGIST".

which means cancer doctor and cancer is scary as fuck ya'll.

now before i go scaring myself again..

she also said that in her 22 years it's almost never advanced and it is totally catchable.

and she even held up her fingers in the shape of a 'zero' as in the chances were almost zero.

bc i am not post menopausal and i am not bleeding between periods.

i guess those are the common threads to having advanced cancerous cells.

but still, almost never is not never.

and there's that little tiny chance that even the most optimistic person (which is not me i assure you) cannot ignore completely.

 

 

 

so now on to the super shitty part of this story.

bc yes, it gets worse.

 

i don't have insurance.

a pre- existing diabetic doesn't get much love in this country.

before mike and i went into business for ourselves mike worked a corporate job that was killing him on the inside.

but we had great insurance.

he got fired, thankfully bc now he is doing what he loves.

but we lost our insurance.

so these procedures are going to be expensive.

god willing there will only be the biopsy ( a few hundred) and the lab (a few thousand).

but if i need more surgery to remove cells i have no idea what a person paying out of pocket will have to pay for that.

so...if you have ever considered buying a painting from me, or ad space or  to e-decorate a room for you please consider it harder.

 

 

anyway..

i needed to get that off my chest.

thank you for listening. 

have any of you had a similar situation?

tell me your story..

and if any of you are due for a pap smear but are too lazy to go...don't be an asshole.

especially if you have insurance. 

 

 

gluten free and cancer free farts,

 

***UPDATES- i can't even begin to tell you in words just how i feel about all of this love and support.

i will try in a bit.

for now many of you have asked about the paypal button on the side of my blog.

it works you just have to go through the paypal site for sending money online.

it's still super easy.

my account # is my email address: cleeclacker at gmail dot com.

no words people no words.

thank you for now.

 

 

AHS and a winner!

good day to you!

i just had my moop (morning poop)

and am ready for business!

 

sooo...

the true random winner of the great black leather bag giveaway of 2008-2011 (factual times)

is trisha! 

 

trisha contact aunt MFAMB with the specifics for bag delivery 2011.

 

ok...

moving on to the 2nd most important matter of the day..

american horror sto-shut your filthy baby limb stuffed mouth!

if you are not watching this show i can only assume it's bc scary shit scares you.

perhaps watching scary shit makes you hallucinate in hotel rooms?

perhpas despite hallucinations you still watch it bc you're dumb.

 

 

ok everyone..go grab your pretty girl masks!!

 

let me start off by saying that several times during this week's episode i was laughing.

not bc any of that shit was funny.

bc i was so uncomfortable and scared that my nerves decided that laughing would trick my brain into

believing none of it was real.

i think it's called nervous laughter and i am pretty sure that when it happens to you you are not even aware that it's happening so you obviously can't control it.

 

this episode opens with zachary quinto gaying it up with a guy who looks exactly like that true blood guy.

zack's all.."you need to get prettier apples (i can totally relate here) for the apple bobbing portion of our halloween party bc elle decor might come by to take pictures you douchenstein!"

true blood is all, "why don't you eat my dick anymore? (mike can totally relate here)"

then black suit guy comes in and snaps zack's neck under the apple bobbing water surrounded by ugly gala apples (so ugly!).

then true blood comes in and sees what's up and then we don't find out what happens to him.

i suspect he gave black suit guy a beej right before black suit guy snapped him like a twig.

 

 

cut to present day and viv and ben are talking to bitchy real estate lady.

she's telling them in order to sell the house they need to glam it up just like some dead gays would do.

she happens to know a (dead gay) fluffer.

now to my mind a fluffer is the person (male or female) who comes on the porn set and get's all the dude's weiners hard.

viv is under the same impression, you can see it in her eyes.

at the end of the day i guess a fluffer is just someone who makes shit more better.

mom's are fluffers. 

i am now, officially, a fluffer.

 

at this point i am aware that the real estate lady is probably just one of the many ghosts on board this ship.

mike thinks they're all dead.

i think if that's the case i will personally kill every single person responsible for this show and then everyone will be a ghost.

 

 

 

next we see addie talking to jessica's sort of hot boyfriend.

he is being sweet and a little flirty with her, bc he seems like a nice fellow.

who is obviously riding jess for some gas money.

addie is telling him in whispers what she wants to be for halloween.

once he leaves for some pall mall's for jess, 

she tells jess that she wants to be a pretty girl for halloween.

jess is all,

fuck no you're gonna be snoopy again.

then addie cries.."noooo i wanna beee a priiittttyyyy guuuuhl!!!"

and jess is all..

you can't be pretty bc you're retarded.

so mean.

 

 

across the street the gays show up at ben and viv's to fluff the house for halloween.

zack explains that the gazebo is too extreme home makeover for him and it needs to be ripped out.

ben is obviously getting nervous bc he buried his dead girlfriend under it.

zack asks ben if he made it at which point ben cuts his hand on his pumpkin carving knife.

true blood guy tells everyone he is an EMT (Expert Meat Toucher) and takes ben upstairs to touch his meat

 stitch up his hand.

ben tells meat toucher that he is not gay.

meat toucher says he wasn't either until he had the fantastic pleaure of man mouth on his man meat.

and i am sad bc i want to see this touching of meat between 2 men.

and you are either a straight man or you are lying if you didn't want to see this go down (awesome pun) too.

 

 

back across the street jess comes into addie's room with a big fucking scary mask head of a pretty girl's face (nervous laughter) for addie to put over her own face.

serioulsy this shit is way scarier than the black suit guy or the basement baby.

 

 

meanwhile ben and viv are having a discussion about ben's girlfriend.

viv found out through text message tracing (thanks zack!) that ben was still communicating with his girlfriend.

ben assures viv that she won't be bothering them again.

bc she's dead, duh.

but then (nervous laughter) the phone rings.

SURPRISE BEN!!!

it's your dead girlfriend buried in the back yard!!

 

downstairs the gay's are getting antsy over the apples not being right...AGAIN!!!

zack is all.."GO TO THE FUCKING FARMER'S MARKET AND GET THE RIGHT GODDAMN APPLES!!"

(right?  thank you.)

viv is like.."you two need to get out of my house!"

gay's are all.."it's not your house"

viv and ben are all.."what r u talking about?  it is our house! and you need to exit it immediately!!"

break shit break shit break shit

this scares the gays the most.

they disappear.

 

viv starts having kicking pains.

problem is the baby is too small for legs.

 

hospital time!

 

you stay home violet and make sure the creepy dead gays don't murder you!

 

 

at the hospital viv is laying down getting ready for the ultrasound to ensure that her monster baby is ok.

the tech is all..your baby is the size of a peanut, it can't be kicking you!  you probably just have the farts (relate). 

then she passes out bc she obviously sees chucky inside there.

sadly we don't see shit.

 

cut to addie in her fucked up mask running after some stereotypical pretty girls out for tricks and treats into the street where BLAMMO! she gets annihilated by a car.

i'm gonna say that someone did this on purpose.

the ambulance shows up and tries to get her to the hospital but jessica runs out and sees addie's probably gonna die so she quickly oscar moments the EMT's (not Expert Meat Touchers, maybe) into leaving her alone so she can drag addie's twisted up body into the lawn of ben and viv's house.

did you notice that part?

or do i get the smart award of the day?

see if she didn't die in or near the house she couldn't be a ghost in or near the house.

 

 

and then in the sadest moment of the night old moira goes into a nursing home to pull the plug on her obviously close to death mother. 

then mom is all, "come with me baby"...(sniff sniff)

and moira's all..."blerrrgl gllerrb(tear vomit) i caaaaaannnn'ttttt!!!!"

 

 

 

 

back at home violet is frantically calling her parents bc burn face guy is knocking on the door demanding his money from ben for killing ben's girlfriend.

here at casa anderson we believe that burn face guy is ben's alter ego ala tyler durden.

and that burn face guy didn't do the girlfriend murdering, ben did.

but then that wouldn't explain why he is knocking on the door and violet can see him.

fuck!  this show is hardd!!

 

anyway...ben and viv pull up and violet is gone.

 

then someone knocks on the door.

ben answers it and it's his now zombie girlfriend full of dust and smiles.

 

the fucking end.

 

 

 

 things i forgot to mention:

*tate in the basement in the rubber suit trying to do sex with violet.

*tate doesn't know how to use a ouija board. you don't ask it a question and then tell a goddamn story.

*we find out the the original owners of the house (charles and norah)use to run abortions on young, in trouble girls in the basement of the house.

*one of the girls' byfriends found out and basically snatched charles and norah's baby in an "eye for an eye" moment.

*the police later returned the chopped up baby parts to charles and norah, thus launching the first build-a-bear for babies workshop. 

 

questions for discussion:

1. who is in the rubber suit?

my guess is it's whoever you want it to be.

for me it's robert pattinson.

 

2. how did the gays corpses end up in the basement?

who took them there?

rubber dude?

 

3. what is the baby's PROBLEM??

 

what else am i missing?

 

discuss...

 

 

 

 

it's wednesday

and you know what that means!!

 

it means american horror story is on tonight..

that's what that fucking means!!!

 

i realize i may be jumping the gun and overly excited about a show that 

has only been on once..

 

and that it could easily go south..

 

much like my shaving habits this time of year..

 

but i honestly haven't been this pumped up about a show since

diff'rent strokes spun out the perfectly woven tale of 7 eastland school girls.

 

i'm talkin about the facts of life.

the facts of life.

 

 and as you can see i am one of the smartest regarding TV show choices and life choices.

 

 

if i were oprah and had a book club and if this show were a book it would be on my list.

 

i give this 3 out of 4 heads.

i give it a 'holy-shit-you-caught-me-taking-a-shit' element of surprise head.

and a 'what-the-fuck-just-happened-that-person-just-got-murdered-and-they're-already-a-ghost-head.

and a dylan-mcdermott-is-naked-again head.

 

watch my oprah selected, 3 head rated favorite new show.

 

 tonight at 10 EST on FX set your dvr's or watch in real time.

i don't bc i am old and have to get up early.

i watch on thursday.

let's all watch and discuss on friday.

 

 

 floating head farts,