design star- double elimination means bizness. and that this shit is over sooner.

 you would think that given the opportunity to design their own space without having to concede to someone else's shitty design would mean less shitty design. 

well you'd be wrong.

it was raining poop and pee and farts and sharts and suede couches.

 

kellie just won a million dollars!!!!

 

just kidding she just saw the hgtv'd truck.

hgtv'd truck=b'hole herpes.

are you ready?

 

the poor bastards with a house in need of decorating for free were the....sbbaasshottks?

basshhock's?

fuck i can never understand anyone's name..

i will call them the spatchcocks...

the spatchcocks aka delicious chicken heads.

 

the turds draw cards to see which room they get to fuck up..

 

the spatchcocks brief the turds on what they need/want in each of the rooms.

they have 2 little boys.

1 of them likes to party. hard. 

the other one likes sports.

they need some chandeliers (plural).

someone wants bunkbeds and some lockers (here's a hint..it's not mom or dad).

someone has a record collection (that mark will make a ladder out of).

and leslie has cobras for arms..

 

everyone comences shopping..

 

mark shops for all the wood in the land..

"wood is my favorite."

 

 

day 2

 

mark is moving on to his masterpiece of all ladders,

made out of records..

everyone in brooklyn is hi-5'ing.

 

in the next room kevin is making stone look more like stone with paint that looks like stone..

paint this stone the color of stone.

 

 

leslie is..

handing over her title as design star.

 

 

but then as if things couldn't possibly get any gayer (and thankfully they always do)-

the gayest car in the universe pulls up..

 

(oonce oonce oonce oonce)

 

(oonce oonce oonce oonce)


IT'S LORD MCGAYLORD!

 

 

 lord of the gay is there for some role playing lessons.

karl pretends not to be creepy (FAIL) and david pretends he is dorothy in the wiz (NAILED IT).

 

day 3, maybe.

 

more shopping happens.

 

kellie can't find lockers..

crates are lockers sometimes when crates are busy being lockers.

 

meg shops for ottomans..

"hey jenny, you mean aaaaahtahmahns."

 

kevin can't find a mantle in all of new jersey..

so he asks woody for some wood..

 but he's like..no wood here..

 

meg is running behind again..

"ha haa ha ha  i better put aahn my big girl panties and hang some laahnternz.."

 

 

 

meg's panties.

 

 

meg's lanterns.

 

i would have ripped that homespun shit down immediately.

 

 

 

time for the guest judge!! 

it's my boyfriend john gidding!!!!

 

and that means it's time for another edition of..

(whispers) CeLebriTy FRaGraNceS

 

it's called: cuntemporary modern (for him/her)

scent: spruce, freshly cut tile, spruce, DWR showroom, tom ford's ball juice, new canvas sneakers, crest

 

john pretends to love everything bc he is friendly and positive.

 

 

 

leslie's room..

jacked up letters and inabiltiy to stuff the comforter INSIDE the duvet.

 cobra arms are hard. 

 

 

 the other side:

there is a giant soul eating monster hovering near the bed (10 points from gryffindor!)

plus there are screen printed pictures on the comforter.

 

i just want to understand the taste level here people.

 

and..

yer done.

 

 

kellie's room..

rug on an angle. 

150 points from gryffindor.

plus no bunk beds=little boy tears.

 

 

 

mark's living/dining combo:

those rugs are dumb.

 

would you like some wood with your wood?

 

 

meg's landing..

3 days?

all of that shit would land in the dumpster. 

 

 

kevin's family room:

 

kevin don't know nuthin bout furniture arrangin.

 

 

 karl's master bedroom:

 milquetoast.

that's french canadian for milk toast.

it'd been a whoooole lot better if it wasn't so ugly.

 

and it's the winner.

no you heard right.

the winner.

winning in all it's matchy blue and beige accordian blinded glory.

 

 

the loser this week is les..

neckshaft.

 

and..

 

slingblade.

 

but not bc his room sucked.

bc HE sucks.

 

 

seriously hgtv.

 

this show is sucking the shit out of sucking. 

 

design turd recap for your face

ummmm...

uhhh.

wow.

haha uhhhh....

let's see....where do i..begin..

 

the turds are kitchen designers this week.

 

there..

i'll start there.

no wait..dreeeeam kitchen designers.

 

yet oddly enough the finished products were um...oh...i don't know..uhhh...fuglarious?

 

they worked in pairs again.

here's a pair:

"here's to sucking!!"

 

 

once the pairs pulled a kitchen layout out of a magic folder they then picked a teapot to inspire their design..

magical inspirational teapots of imagination

 

if it were me i would first smash all the teapots on the floor..

 then i would totes go traditional but i would do euro modern traditional and melt everyone's fucking face off.

 

but no one did anything good at all. 

no one.

at all.

 

 

first of all they got the worst advice ever from king bromstad of colorwheel..

"a kitchen should be vibrant and full of energy."

 ok that's just a fucking opinion king colordong.

 

i say a kitchen should just function practically and be real fucking pretty.

 

anyway..

 

everyone seems to think that green is the most awesome color choice for their kitchen walls..

 

 

but then karl is all..wait...fuck a JUST GREEN KITCHEN!

LET'SADDSOMEORRRRANGEBITCH!!!!

 

because it's so stylish and vibrant and energized to have all the walls different fucking colors of course!

 

 

or as he likes to call it..

 

no really, that's exactly what he called it.

 

 

and cathy don't give a shit..

 

with her cleveland eyes..

"so long as i can style the shit out of it ya'll karl can paint it any colors he wants"

 

 

 kellie is sad that mark won't finish the tile backsplash that she picked out..

 

day 1

 

 day 2.

 

day 3.

 

 "tiling makes me sleepy."


 

meg puts up a peg board of pots and pans..

 meg board

 

"paaahhhhhts"

 

 

tyler shows us that you only need a little bit of backsplash in the kitchen..

global green tiles  

 

 cathy styled it all up like a grocery store..

there was a bowl full of horseraddish (appropriate) and cucumbers (not appropriate)

and a full on bread station.

 

 emily were you stroking out at this point?

 

then came the dreaded camera challenges.

and i say dreaded for me,

BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE WATCHING IT.

 

cathy is so good at the camera challenges bc she speaks into the camera like a robot camera horse that can deliver all the appropriate camera challenge information for the camera.

"here, eat this imaginary apple as your reward!"

 

"nomnomnom neeeigh!!"

 

everyone else sucked.

 

time for judging!!

 

welcome this week's judge!

it's paula deen ya'll!

and that means it's time for my side project..

CeLeBrity FraGRanceS!

 

the paula deen edition.

 

it's called: butt her

scent: butter, butterscotch, scotch, menthols, tugboat steam, french country, aqua net, finger sandwiches,

shrimp shells and benicar

 

paula pretty much hates everything.

and why wouldn't she?

 

first up:

GLOBAL!!

nothing says global like cork floors, a zebra rug, a live edge table and a liberace goes to india piano bench!

 

FARMHOUSE:

nothing says farmhouse like industrial pendants!

 

INDUSTRIAL:

nothing says industrial like dark cabinets, a red wall, his friend yellow wall, and mid century stools!

 

CONTEMPORARY:
nothing says contemporary like buffalo wings and celery sticks!

 

 

the winner of this week's design challege was cathy with her barnload of info delivery in under 60 seconds..

way to go cathy!

"yyyeeeeaah!!!"

 

"i mean neeeeiiigghh!!!!"

 

 

the loser this week was tyler..

 

sorry tyler, there's only room for one gaysian on hgtv...

 

 

 

design turd season who cares episode 1

 

 i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..

i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…

 

honey badger don't give a shit. 

 

i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.

they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!

 

this is the competition that beat out yours truly.

 

the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..

saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"

and

jenny: "what's that?"

turd 1: "an orange accent wall."

jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"

turd 1: "no."

jenny:  "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."

turd 2: "ok."

jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"

 

ok onto the recap.

 

 

the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..

tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds

 

the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...

 

 

which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:

 

 

everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.

but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..

 

then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..

 

here they are:

 

vomit.

 

don't tell me what to do.

double vomit.

 

 

 my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.

 

 

gay.

 

 

around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin. 

the room is chunky puke chunks.

 

 

 

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

nice shelf.

 

 

this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?

murder. 

 

 

 

the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.

 

 

imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.

 

LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-

IT'S DUMB.

THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.

PERIOD.

AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.

 

JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!

(cry cry cry)

 

 

 

and for the record..

 i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.

where are the antiques?

where is the pattern?  the texture?

the layering?

the lived in look?

 

and they had 3 days!!!

THREE DAYS!

 

 

can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?

and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?

do they really teach that shit to you in design school?

fire all of those people.

 

 

 

 

anyway..

dumb blanche went home.

but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.

or gave a shit.

 

 

also:

i predict this face happening a lot:

emmys emmys emmys!!