cheesesteak pits, lumps, hospital waiting rooms, old doctors with cataracts and superitchy vaginas- that's what we're discussing today.

first of all let me just say mike hates it when i talk about being sick on my blog.

mike's brain: sick=weak and pathetic

my brain: sick=weak and pathetic...let's talk about it.

and i am nothing if not honest and open.

but there are reasons for the discussion.

1. i want advice always and forever (but only when i ask for it).

2. sharing is caring.


3. a doctor might be reading (free medical advice).


let's begin:

(gross warning- turn away now if you don't like poop talk)

so you might remember some vague diarrhea talk last week.

i was having the butt throw ups every other day.

i thought it was a dairy allergy.

then i started to get a bad headache, like massive clusterfuck headache.

it would change locations every day.

it wouldn't go away.

for about 4 days..

then i started to get a lump under my arm.

then i started to feel really really RULLY bad..

like dying bad.

the headache?  present and the worst yet.

diarrhea? present but more pasty. (sorry)

knees feel like someone kicked them in half?  present.

(if you've never had achy knees before consider yourself lucky)

back feel like someone ran over it with a truck?  present.

basically, i felt like someone had fed me poison and i was dying a slow, painful death.

i am pretty sure i knew what it was and that is i had the flu that wouldn't go away and it caused my lymph node in my left pit to swell up and get abscessed and then the infection made me feel swine flu like times a million.

so anyway..

i was also pretty sure i needed some antibiotics until i could get to a specialist to analyze the lump and rule out anything serious like cancer or a blood infection.

the only doctor that could see me in the area (couldn't drive myself far) was chandi sharma or something.

i go into his office at 1:45 yesterday.

let's just say it wasn't very modern.

in fact let's say it was pretty fucking 3rd world.

i was very feverish and very scared i was going to die.

the doctor walks out and he is old.

real old.

i didn't really care bc i just wanted some antibiotics and i would be on my way.

as i looked at him i thought,  wow!!....he has really pretty blue eyes...they're almost!?!!

holy mother of f!  they ARE white!!

he has cataracts!

he proceeded to poke me, prod me and ask me tons of questions.

except that when i answered he would say "what??"

bc his ears had cataracts too.

then he tells me (i think?) that i need to see a specialist.

me: wait. um...ok...i will see a specialist but could i get some antibiotics to help me now? i feel really bad and i want to start to fight this infection before it get's into my bloodstream if it hasn't already."

old doctor: "noot shuuur what type infecshn it is so noot give antibiotics.  you need sooghen."

me: "i'm sorry, need what?"

old doctor: "sooghen" (makes cutting hand gestures)

me: "a SURGEON??"

old doctor: "yes, sooghen".

me: "ok, well i need to go then" (i think my fever shot up 4 more degrees)

(if i wasn't so weak and fevery i would have said" WELL WHAT THE FUCK GOOD ARE YOU THEN YOU OLD MOTHERFUCKER THANKS FOR NOTHING)

old doctor: (standing up rather violently and suddenly for an old man and raising his voice)


i was suddenly IN india and i was just a dumb woman.

and for the record...i am not the type of person who ever takes antibiotics unless i know that i absolutely have need for them.  99% of the time i clear my shit up holistically and with proper nutrition and some herbs and shit. 

so i tell mike we need to go to the hospital.

the closest to us is south fulton and it looks like this in the waiting room:


and there are no signs of these guys:


long story short i waited in the waiting room of viral infection and stomach virus and gashed faces and high blood pressure fatties and sad, lonely old people with no where else to go for 

four. hours.

on my feet bc i didn't want to sit next to the woman who i am pretty sure died later on.

once i finally got in to see the doctor in the triage area i waited again for about 30 minutes.

he came in and grabbed my wrist to see what my name was instead of asking me.

this guy was young. very young.

not doogie howser young but still younger than me.

he also poked me in my armpit where i apologized for my armpits smelling like an old cheesesteak sandwich.

( i didn't mention this to sharma doctor bc he smelled similar)

i hadn't worn deodorant for a few days. or shaved.


then he asked me my symptoms.

i told him.

he said..."oh?? you're adding symptoms on?"

me: "um..NO! check the paper again...i wrote down all my symptoms".

not mcdreamy: "it says here just an abscess"

me: "well, there is also fever, headache and backache.  look i have been here longer than my life could i please just get some antibiotics and go?"

not mc dreamy: (writes shit down and leaves w/o a word)

me: faucoishjefoihaoieifhaioeur2763@*#()@*$#)(!!!!FFFFFFFFFFFFFF

30 minutes later...

nurse: the doctor is writing you a prescription for antibiotics.

me: ok great.

30 minutes later.

nurse: here you go.

normally i would have been pretty pissed that the doctor went awol on me but given the fact that i had spent 4570238billion hours in that godforsaken place i just wanted to go home and see fiona and go to bed.

150.00 copay later.

i waited outside in scary town for mike and fiona to come and get me.

thankfully we live not so far away.

so i wasn't raped. that would have really sucked.

maybe my smell would have chased them away.


so home, burn clothes, eat, shower HARD, bed.

this morning i take one of the 2 antibiotics i am to take

and within minutes (this happens any and every time i take these things)

my cooter is on fire with yeast!!

no really, within MINUTES!!

i run for the bathroom and the cooter cream.


slightly better.

take a megadose of acidophilus.



slightly better still.

i am off to my regular doctor today who never gives me antibiotics but instead gives me healing herbs and nutritional supplements.  i like to use the best of both worlds where applicable. 

you should too.


so what have we learned?

1. without shaving or deodorant i am one stinky motherfucker.

2. hospitals waiting rooms are scarier than haunted houses.

3. 92 year old doctors with cataracts are practicing medicine in the USA. 

4. antibiotics turn vaginas into pancakes.


thanks for listening.

and i am taking advice for treating yeast infections that don't include the insertion of anything into my vagina.

and anyone who has ever experienced anything similar.

be it cheesesteak smelling or armpit swelling.

love and disease,