design turd episode 1: picking the shiniest turd out of a bunch of giant turds (***updates: what would MFAMB have done?)

am i allowed to say that i felt this challenge was incredibly hard?


who in their right mind opens a bunch of fucking feather pillows all over the place?

khuu that's whuu.

you are an official dumbass.

and you're gone.

but honestly feathers aside all of the rooms sucked peen.

first up: the deets

12 contesturds had to design a bedroom for their partner/fellow competitor from a white box room.

as in nothing but white walls, white bed, white floor, white bookcase and white ikea lack table.

their budget was $500

and the resource was pearl river asian market.

as i am taking notes during my viewing party (alone...sadface) i write down:

"you would have to work really hard to not make it look cheap and to create a room that didn't look like it came entirely from an asian market".

and of course i saw everyone grabbing umbrellas, lanterns, fucking foo dogs and big ass bullshit branches.

shit i would not have grabbed.

 here's ankle bracelet nina grabbing one of the 50 umbrellas she used...for a dude's room.


after they paid for their loot they all headed back to the white box spaces where each turd was given a laborer.

the turds get to work turding up the spaces..

courtland starts fauxing every surface.

alex gets to work on some kind of stupid textured wall.

bloggeremily starts staring at her room bc she doesn't sketch...

i suppose for this shit i would have sketched something.

live and learn i guess.


khuu stars colorwashing (giggle-snort) the wall.

blah blah who cares.


here are the rooms:

here's julie's fucking bird murder crime scene for tom:


here's casey's room for alex:

while this room eats dick just like the rest at least she tried to disguise the white bed to make it look different.  but for fucks sake at least paint it!!!


here's courtland's room for nina:

supposedly nina threw courtland under the bus by telling him her style was something other than what it really was...and that is, bohemian chic.

pretty sure had this garbage been bohemian chic it still would have been a turd. a bohemian turd is still a turd (wrapped in pretty fabric).

can someone please tell me where their 500 dollars has gone so far?

moving on.....

blogger emily's room for michael:


emily, i don't actually hate this room.

not as a whole. i can see what you were trying to avoid...EXACTLY THE SHIT I HATE!! FUCKING KITSCHY, CHEAP LOOKING, ASIAN THEMED, KRAFTY BULLSHIT!!!!

but i think the color palette isn't well thought out or considered.

the palette isn't bad...i like it. just not the way you have it executed.

it looks sad and dreary.


here's michael's room for emily:

what michael room wouldn't be complete without a wall mural?


dan's room for stacey:


u sure?

(p.s. dan you are waay cute)


tera's room for trent-kenneth:

asian zen bullshit turd in groups of 3.


tom's room for khuu:

sweet jesus. it's like a fucking 70's porn set.

if i were doing a room for an asian girl i would stay as far away from an asian theme as humanly possible.

i mean why stop at all red??

why not put a fucking kimono on the wall with some samuarai swords over the top?

where is that fab taste level you had in your lakehouse portfolio??



here is trentkenneth's room for christiantera( just wait the lord is gonna guide her at some point):

blue and white beachy turd under a ghost.


here we have stacey's room for dan:

orange and gray never looked so awful.


alex's room for who cares:

apparently alex left half of his shit on floor 2 of pearl river.

at least he got his sand dune wall up.

way to go alex!  who needs better bedding when you have a headboard made out of branches?



and here we have the winning room:

nina's room for courtland:

while i fucking hate the umbrellas and lanterns and sticks in a jar and the fact that it's a dude's room..

it is the most well edited and polished.

and i like the architectural elements she added. it made a world of difference.




did i have a favorite?

fuck no i didn't have a favorite!!!

did i expect more?

not really.

i could tell you who was in the top 6 and who was in the bottom six but why?

they all are abysmal.

in any event the bottom two were bloggeremily and khuu.

and each of them had to do a hosting segment..

khuu went for a more polished, professional approach but it ended up sounding fake and forced.

bloggeremily went with a self deprecating i suck approach.

smart on her part. she is cute and engaging.

either way both presentations made me want to slice my face off with razor sections.

at the end of the day the pillow raper went home.


 my husband says to me, "that's all well and good jenny, but what would YOU have done?"

and i said, "this"


paint it glossy white.


throw on these cool accessories:

cool marble apple:

interesting fun bunny lamp:

cute journals:

keep the walls white.

i would have painted a "headboard" on the wall like this:

made it a feature..

paint the floor glossy glossy shiny like liquid.

and throw a big ass one of these down:

get rid of the fucking lack table and use

one of these as bedside table...


put this lamp on top:


throw these on the bed in the blue or pink colorway:

cute room accomplished for who cares who, it's cute.

we'll call it modern chinoiserie meets cottage...

less asian convenience store.

everything available at pearl river dot com