design turd episode 7: who fucking cares
Monday, August 2, 2010 at 3:53PM i think i would rather peel off my skin with a dull vegetable peeler than watch one more minute of this bullshit "design" show. let alone recap it for you.
but i feel i must at least see it through.
some interesting information came to fruition this week.
we find out courtland is married.
yeah but, probably the same way corky st. clair was married to "bonnie" in waiting for guffman..
also..
my old boss john gidding graced us with his harvard architecturalness
he was filling in for mandice..
remember when he used to be on friends?
he said more than mandice.
that's about it.
oh...and he's prettier than genevieve.
here's some of his harvard architecture grad....architecture:
ugly neat, huh?
ok...so the turds had to design a kitchen for a sears photo shoot.
awesome, right??
yeah, except they had to base the design on a fucking basket of food.
yes, each team had to pick between french, tropical or italian.
no..really..LOOK:
french basket
italian basket
terrible basket
team 1: alex, michael and casey picked the french basket
team 2: courtland and emily picked the italian basket
terrible basket used for comedy purposes.
there was no terrible basket.
literally anyway.
big expectations for emily since she is a photo stylist and shit...
foreshadowing ya'll.
so then each turd had to pick one food item from each basket to serve as their personal inspiration.
emily chose garlic.
courtland chose parmesan cheese.
he couldn't wait to parmesan cheese up the wall, faux finish style.
pretty sure he got a boner for gidding a woman over it.
here is their finished kitchen:
and, no surprise, the losing kitchen.
cabinet choice color= terrible.
purple painted island= double terrible.
courtland's fauxnish= triple terrible
if this was supposed to be "old worldy" italian why not go with some old worldy tiles?
instead of the pale taupey white tiles?
and why not a painted cabinet?
and maybe some open shelving?
perhaps something like this?
over on the french basket team..
casey chose baguette.
michael chose escargot.
and alex chose the corkscrew.
here is their finished kitchen:
better. but still buttsucking.
the winner was casey bc the judges could see her baguette within the colors and textures.
i think she just got lucky bc bread just so happens to be white and beige.
i have no idea where the corkscrew or the escargot came into play.
but it is definitely the color of baguette!!!
in fact sears should just call this kitchen "the baguette kitchen".
as in...
sears person: oh...i see you are shopping for a kitchen...can i interest you in the baguette kitchen?
you: what do i look like, a fucking boring douchebag with zero design sense?
aaaaand scene.
so the bottom 2 were alex for his lack of corkscrew and emily bc apparently she should have styled the room better.
now it's up to the host reels.
both were cute.
emily was all self deprecating and humble.
alex was somewhat retarded-ish.
(but in a great retarded way, bc i love retarded people for they are awesome, smart and really really cool)
according to the judges emily's was cuter and more watchable.
although joey john thought it wasn't very cute of emily to make fun of stuff bc someone watching could see it and do it and then you, emily, just made them feel stupid!! way to go emily.
so alex goes home.
also i thought you should see some of vern's work.
in case you hadn't.
he is a judge after all...
oh..i'm sorry. i didn't see that you were eating.
at least now i know what to do with all of fiona's cut out snowflakes.
see ya next sunday fudge-packers.
design turd, hgtv in design star, design turd 
Reader Comments (44)
Gah, almost threw up! That cabinet color is terrible. My mother has it and it gets painful if you stay there more than 5 minutes (though her kitchen is pwetty, except for said color).
They should do a season of matching between the "decorators" and the "judges" and checking which of their work is fuglier, just saying...
I can't watch this show. Annoys me that these people are deemed worthy of a show about design expertise. I love your recaps anyway.
Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Casey keeps winning and hasn't had to show herself as a host? I can see them giving Courtland a show b/c he's cute and wow, straight (who knew w/ those vnecks?). But NO ONE has shown any designer chops.
I'm w/ you on Vern. He's almost worthless. I'll stop now before he gets the rest of my cackles up.
I stopped watching. But I still read ur recaps even though it makes me SO ANGRY. I want to beat the crap out of all the judges and HGTV for these pathetic challenges.
I also dont something about the set up of the show- lets say you are a really good designer, BUT you cant get a word out. According to the format of this show, that person could end up in the top without ever having to make a little video for us.
The way The Next Food Network Star is set up is MUCH better. Everyone has to cook and present in each challenge.
I actually watched some of this last night for the first time. I'd much rather watch Waiting for Guffman any day. That song they do about chairs in their play cracks me up every time.
whatever happened with that writing gig? Or is this not the forum to dish? I actually find his show about Jenny from the Block to be mildly inspiring in a very mom-approved way.
I luv you for that. This show would be nothing without you.
Did you and Gidding break up?
So last night, as I'm watching with my 12 year old SON, he says "Mom, why is that little man so mean?"....referring to...yes, Mr. Yip-Dip-Personality of a cardboard stick.
I would have personally shut down production had he ever shown up at MY house for Trading Spaces as my.....suprise....designer extraordinnare.
I remember when Genevieve was fun way back when. She now seems like she's been replaced by a solid sheet of ice.
JG is HOT. I would like to know if he is A. Naturally tan B. Spray Tanned C. Indian, which might mean we are related somehow somewhere D. A God.
Thank You for your recap~XO
Yet again...thank u for the laugh. I enjoy your recaps so much. Also, thank you for the shot of Vern's work....he is truly amazing at what he does...which is...sorry I don't know exactly what to call that...
kelli- JG is turkish.
I'd rather watch you eat fudge.
J......you make me laugh at the end of a long day. Thanks for that. K
ok, what the fuck is up with the fabric covered table thingy next to the island in "french" kitchen?? Talk about blocking flow. But no one mentioned it on the show that I heard. And light maple cabinets for an Italian inspired kitchen? How about a lovely glaze and some super colorful tile?? That backsplash was awful and only chosen because it represented the lines in the head of garlic.
Get rid of those f#@*in' "inspirations". I think both kitchens would have been more creatively decorated if the "designers" weren't distracted by this garbage. Who decorates a kitchen around an item of food? A fabric, maybe. A tile, maybe. Let's get real, HGTV. A client would NEVER present a loaf of bread to a designer and ask for a design based on it.
As for Emily, I think she is adorable on camera but that styling was horrific and a result of her bad backsplash choice.
And Dina? Perhaps Dino??
Can't believe Mark Burnett (survivor guy) turned a pretty lame interior design reality show into a truly awful reality show (notice I did not write "truly awful interior design reality show--no real interior design is happening this season!"). I know I've commented before, but I wish they were doing Top Design season again. Bravo rocks. Jonathan Adler, Kelly Werstler, Margaret Russell...Hello! Soooo much better than Vern, Candace, and Genevieve.
What the eff i s that last photo??? Yippy is a judge of this show after doing THAT to a room??? Geez. Us.
I can no longer watch that show. I tried to keep up but I CANNOT stand the agony any longer. I think they should all be fed to the sharks on "Shark Week"
BTW, I could not stop singing "Fudge Eater" last night, Thanks a lot!!!!
Oh, and both kitchens are boring suburban tract house blahness. Yawn.
Dying....to know..what happened with the website gig with Mr. Harvard?
John's face is so pretty it makes me cry. Would love for you to dish...
Puke in my mouth, thanks for reminding me that the judges suck and this whole station sucks so why should I expect any less suckiness from this show and it's sucktards!
In the beginning I was so excited to meet you and have you over for a viewing party. But at this point, I would rather have you over for a colonoscopy. At least we would know if there is anything suspect about our colons at the end of it.
I actually yell at the TV while watching this show. I have no shame, yet I am still better than the 'tards. Yep, I said it. 'TARDS!
You don't have to recap anymore. I relieve you of this awful, awful duty. It's not you. It's them.
p.s. Am also intrigued by JG former boss comment. But that's because I'm one of the nosiest people on the planet.
You said Courtland was married, but I have to correct you -- as he corrected himself, that he's only "engaged." The weird way he brought it up and his sort of flubbing his lines on it (what engaged man doesn't know that he's not yet married), makes me really believe it's a Dino (not a Dina) to whom he's married in all aspects except legally. One wonders what would be the reason that he'd decide to lie, unless he's afraid of being too David Bromstad'y.
I'll also take this time to remind you that Mr. 2009 2nd place in design star actually said during the show that he had a girlfriend...and even though I doubt that was romantic, still more believable than Mr. "Man's Man - I'm not overcompensating".
HGTV has done a fine job with Design Star -- now I abhor all the contestants for 1) all being horrid non-designers 2) a lot of them being absolute witches (Michael, Casey, Courtland) and wouldn't watch any of their upcoming shows. I also now abhor Mandice and Yip -- already didn't like Genevieve after last year.
JG is turkish? He is now officially off my tv forever.
I AM PEEING OVER VERN'S SHITASTIC BEDROOM. i just stared at it for 3 minutes and I still don't know what to say.