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lynda is cooking breakfast for her dorky kids while ebong watches.
there is some gag worthy sexual innuendos and i stabbed my face.
lynda wants to buy a house to fit her gigantic boyfriend.
i discover she is suffering from osteoporosis and is in fact 80 years old.
stacie is hangin' with her sorority sisters and starts telling us some kind of crazy story about her birth mother and father.
she is adopted duh.
she apparently has a white mom and an african dad.
white mom did it with african guy and had stacie. gave stacie up for adoption and was all no way can society ever know i did it with a black dude and then had a milk chocolate baby.
as a result african dad doesn't know she exists.
i predict this by the end of the season:
it's ok, i cried too.
i always do.
stacie is legit sad and i am sad for her.
ted gibson moves his salon to DC and these bitches want to crawl up inside his ass and live there forever.
eddie vedder was jealous of ted's endless attention on michaele.
eddie wants to paint her dining room high gloss black and cat doesn't get it
so eddie makes crazy eyes and i am super scared.
then the hair guy that looks like michael stipe...
starts talking about how he and tareq and michaele snuck into the black caucus dinner
which is apparently a "brazen" thing to do. i would agree that sneaking into a party that you are not invited to is brazen but it is also awesome and i would totally do it.
but if the president is there you might "accidentally" disappear forever, so i'm gonna say no to this particular party.
michaele invites all the ladies and their spouses (and michael stipe) to a grape stomping.
they all take a limo which is weird and gay.
tareq and michaele raise a flag bc they are dorky douchers.
and then some private security and media show up bc tareq's mom likes to stop whatever tareq and michaele do at the vineyard.
i am utterly confused.
i don't know if she is some kind of crazy shit stirrer or if she is trying to reveal the douchiness of her son and daughter in law.
i guess time will tell...
so all the macdouchertons get out of the limo wondering why there is fucking security there and no one thinks not even for one teeeensy little second that maaaybe chief doucher social climber tareq in his doucherific 90's cosby sweater and his equally douchetastic wife didn't set this shit up to make them look all important?? really? cuz um..that's my first thought.
they all start talking about and drinking wine.
then cat's all "ahhm nawt stawmping on any grapes, i'll wawtch".
"i hate being bossed about"...
can we all agree that cat is the biggest bitch on bitch planet?
she was even making me uncomfortable.
how great was it when micahele's assistant aka "service provider" called cat a bitch?
(superawesome "service provider")
i rewound it 3 times.
and here's where it gets really awesome...
the crates of grapes that were meant for stomping were fucking table grapes..
not wine grapes.
let me show you the difference if you are not clear:
red grapes you eat as a snack:
red wine grapes you stomp on to make wine:
no one said anything except for cat who passive aggressively yelled "bullocks" as she left with michael stipe.
(table grape stomping)
here's what sadly, didn't happen:
then as if things couldn't get any grosser or more painful to watch..
they all go to some wine cellar to eat and drink more wine where the subject of the black caucus dinner (still clueless) comes up and it is all so clear how none of these people actually like each other. not even the slightest.
the tension is palpable. they even played some jason bourne type music.
eddie and michaele are having a conversation that looks civil but there are hate lasers coming out of both of their eyes.
eddie was defending lynda for having told michaele that she was too skinny. which she is, but it was a bitchy thing to say and she never said it TO michaele so it certainly wasn't in her best interest like lynda and eddie said it was.
at that point stacie called bullshit and she became my favorite.
then i don't know what the fuck happened...
tareq dough face cosby sweater starts making rolly eyes at stacie's husband and eddie is back again with the crazy eyes which i now realize are drunk eyes, and says (revealing red wine teeth) "what tareq?? what? what do you have to say? i know you have something to say"....
i don't think this show could get any more awesome.
it has everything.
seedy, secret lives.
espionage and dirty grape liars.
a person named ebong.
and a future color purple scenario.
next week i am pretty sure someone gets murdered but if not i am certain that there will be people who hate each other who are pretending to like each other, even love in some cases.
are you even watching this fartshow?
***update if you don't already follow me on twitter you should bc i am awesome
i am live tweeting tonight while andy cohen gets his face smashed in on the jersey housewives reunion. also live tweeting is erica from design blahg and nicole from sketch 42. that is a triumvirate of awesomeness.
it has occured to me that some of you knuckleheads do not click on the "visual aids" that i provide.
this concerns me as they are an integral part to the overall enjoyment of my favorite and my best.
from now on there will be quizzes and rewards for everyone.
you have been warned.