congratulations to you if you sat through 3 hours of that excrutiating bullshit last night.

5 hours if you count the pre show.

which i did.

for you.

to bring you this recap.


here are my initial thoughts:

more ricky gervais all night every night.

less boring awards with foreign people who can barely speak english.

cecil b demille awards are dumb.

clearly robert deniro knows he's awesome.

all the stylists got together and picked out of a hat: green, dead fish color, black, red, and blush/nude.

natalie portman has lost her mind.



i am starting with the guys bc i was way more impressed with them than i was with the ladies.


sweet jesus.


i don't know who this hot australian guy is but when he opened his mouth i got naked.


yes. mmhmm. yes.


oh good lord. (giggles) how'd that get in there?




holy nuthole!


give it.  twice on sunday.


he is THE ONLY human man that can do casual and still look like a million fucks bucks.


i think we all know who my favorite was..

let's have another look..

even dudes can't take their eyes off of him.



the assholes:

sorry JD...this look is not cute.

not even for you.

take a cue from RDJ he is flawless.


this is one white shirt away from being a winner.

his hair looks like it smells good.


fart on you cam.

you could have looked so handsome if you wore a motherfucking bowtie.


a note to dudes who refuse to wear bowties to awards shows:

suck it up!!  

we know you are not wearing one bc you think they are super uncomfortable.

 try wearing head to toe spanx and 4 inch stilettos.

now talk to me about discomfort.





let's start with who i hated (pretty much everyone):

way to enhance what is already huge.

 she is wearing an army of spanx right now.

she was probably in danger of dying. 


dead fish 1


dead fish 2



dead fish 3





helen mirren would have killed in this dress.


wedding cake topper from your mom's cake. 


it's just ugly and ill fitting.

not even her cute little pixie face can save it.


cruise ship boob smasher.



maybe on nicole or cate or someone who is not 3 feet tall.


hahahahahaha!!  awesome.



will you accept this rose?

no natalie, i will not accept this rose.






it's wearing her.


gone with the wind. 


cute lesbian.




goddammit tina fey!!  hire a stylist!!!!!!





she looks like a skeleton in a pretty black dress.



the good to meh cetegory:

very soft and pretty. the accessories made it.

she always looks different than everyone else and knows what looks good on her.



she is so sexy that i feel like the red is overkill.

plus it's shiny and that puts into the bordello red category.

she needs to think more penelope cruz less beyonce.





whatever. pretty. yawn.


what up with the sensible shoes?



where did hot megan go?

eat more food megan.


claire paltrow.

its pretty.

love the cuff.



ice capades.

cape off please.





inside clothes.  

(like inside voice, only clothes)






perfectly pretty.






my favorites!!!!!!

at first i was not a fan.

then i stared a little more and became more mesmerized by how well played everything was.

she had the princess tulle thing happening but then she had on these amazing rock star edgy gold shoes, and then the hair was just so natural and simply undone that she looked like she floated down from outer space, or planet beautiful peepole..and then i died. 



mila + green = awesome.



and my favorite favorite favorite..

that a good portion of you will not understand but you are wrong


when i saw her i gasped audibly.

she is dumber than a bag of dicks though.



thank you to s.mike of sapelo productions for cutting the portman video for me