hey pretty girls and pig whisperers!
time for another AHS recap!
this episode managed to delight and creep.
right off the bat burny and constance are seated around a fire only he's not burny yet, he's just larry and he is a pussy.
constance is upset bc the authorities want to charge her with child neglect or something.
larry's like...no my darling i will do anything for you.
and constance is like, well then, umm...do it!!
larry walks upstairs into the attic and there we see the "child" constance is refering to..
and it's none other than 'rocky' from mask.
only now he goes by 'beau' and he's chained up in the attic.
he seems super nice.
but sadly his ball playing skills and winning smile can't save him from larry's suffocating murder pillow.
what an asshole.
viv and ben are at the doctor where they find out they are having twins.
i think one will be chocolate flavored.
and the other one will be made out of rubber.
either that or they will just be the olsen twins.
later viv and the real estate lady are showing the house to some "greasy" armenian/persian.
he wants to buy it bc moira is making googly eyes at him.
and as we all know men only see moira as a super hot redheaded slut maid.
he is picking up what she's putting down, bigtime.
next in walks burny all pissed off and eating up all the 'open house' food and chardonnay.
he pretends to be interested in buying the house.
soon after viv's upstairs with some candles and mood music.
and you know what that means!!!
time to clean!
time to beat the beaver.
polish the pearl.
check for squirrels.
juice the clam.
she fantasizes about chocolate sundae. (duh)
and her husband. (meh)
and rubber suit. (maybe)
each of them pounding her into ecstacy.
but now it appears rubber suit guy might have a knifedick and clearly this hurts.
cut to tate and vi and gross teenager shit.
then it's dinner time.
ben, viv and vi are having a tense family dinner discussing life.
viv tells ben that a persian/armenian is interested in buying the house as was "some burn faced guy"..
next day persian/armenian is back bc he "can't get the house out of his mind".
"house" being moira.
she says come with me so i can show your penis the inside of my mouth.
which is slut-maid talk for "show you the rest of the house".
he, of course, does.
and she proceeds to give him the beej of his life.
then we see old moira emerging from the bedroom wiping some jizz off her chin.
persmenian bumps into ben in the hall and says he plans to tear the house down and build condos or some shit.
ben gives no fucks about this news.
he heads over to burny's to tell him to stop being so weird and stuff.
and that he's done a little research and apparently burny never burned up his whole family.
they burned themselves up bc they were sad that their dad was such a douche.
cut to dinner at burny's with his sad wife where he proceeds to crush her heart with the "i love constance" bit.
"she's as exciting as a house on fire", he says.
he doesn't say that.
he should have though.
then it would have been more awesome when he walked in on his wife and children on fire.
cut back to ben
throwing his cigarette onto burny's floor.
like a badass..
he said, "game over".
next up we seen viv and the real estate lady on the murder house tour.
the only purpose for this bit is so the tour guide can finally get to the story of charles and nora and the frankenbabie in a big ol flashback scene.
charles comes in to tell nora that she shouldn't be so sad anymore..
their beloved thaddeus (worst name for a baby ever)
is very much alive and upstairs in the crib.
you can see the moment of delusion and hope land on nora's face.
she slowly walks upstairs into thad's room and pulls back the sheet covering what is surely a horrific looking pig baby..
only there is nothing there.
nora turns around to see thaddeus on the floor with a look of shock on her face but also a look of..hmm..
well....maybe this could work.
a few moments later she comes downstairs to tell charles what a genius he is.
and that little thad didn't take to nursing too well.
instead he ate her finger off.
she hugs charles into her bloody chest and then blows his brains out,
and then blows a hole through the back of her own head.
only guess what..
little thaddeus is still alive up there gnawing on a finger.
constance finds out that the persian wants to tear down the house.
constance isn't happy about this bc that means all of her dead relatives and friends could be gone forever.
so she pays a visit to the armenian and he essentially tells her to fuck off.
telling constance to fuck off is like telling a murderer to stop murdering.
what happens next is not very awesome to watch if you're a guy.
constance tells moira that if the house falls to the ground so might she so the two of them hatch a plan
and bump fists.
the plan is this..
moira gives the persmenian a beej with teeth.
not grazing teeth.
so she does and then burny steps in to throw a bag over his head and suffocates his ass.
he is the best suffocater.
and just like that, crisis averted.
if he weren't dead he would be saying..
"and i would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling ghosts"
we end the night with viv and vi in the teen lair of doom
where the two of them are looking at old pictures that tate found in the attic.
viv recognizes nora as the crazy woman who came into the house a few weeks back.
cue creepy music.
let's hear it...