my apple of anguish


some of you assholes want recaps from me.

in fact a few of you have taken the time from your day to actually email me personally and demand the recaps.


i want to do recaps for you.

but sometimes life comes first...


things like swishing oil around your mouth and googling the pros and cons.

things like cyber monday and sticking lights in a jar and calling it christmas.

things like painting paintings for clients and hating them and painting over them and then crying bc i feel like an elephant painting with her trunk.


that takes T I M E.


recaps also take time.

and that is time that no one is paying me for.

and sometimes only 4 of you comment on my recaps.



i am like that pretty girl up there.

don't make me get all my fucking glitter make-up on and my cowgirl costume and my spray tan and destroy the ozone layer with my use of AquaNet for 4 comments..

pony up bitches.

i work hard for my paid-in-beer comments.


and thank you a lot to the 4 of you that consistently comment.

you are the wind beneath my farts.



so some of you probably already watched last night's epsiode..

i don't watch til thursday.

 so a recap of last night's show will be tomorrow.

unless there are only 4 comments.

then i will cry into my tea with constance.



here is last week's recap..



this episode was heavy.

2 of my biggest life fears were hit upon..

a. everyone thinking i am crazy and admitting me to the looney bin instead of just recognizing i am having a hard time and maybe needing a little xanax throughout the day and possibly a hug.

it was at this point that i reeaally wanted ben to die HARD. (without clothes on)



b. my own daughter not defending me and turning on me.  like a stab through the heart with a knife dipped in poison. 


i'll take a rubber suit raping over that any day.



this episode we learned rubber suit was actually tate.

he was my #2.

my number 1 was of course sexual chocolate, but that was more fantasy than anything.


so yeah..tate.

it's so shakespearian.

if shakespeare were from the south.


in tate's defense he really didn't know violet so well yet as the harmon's just moved in.

he felt sorry for nora that's all.

she was like, gimme my baby.

and he was all..ok, let me go make one for you.

that mom lady upstairs is horny all the time she will totes do it with me in a rubber suit.

no one will be the wiser.


speaking of rubber suits..

we also learn the origin of the rubber suit.

chad (zachary quinto) is having a leisurly lunch at everyone's favorite outdoor cafe

telling some woman that his boyfriend is into S&M.

who isn't?..says she..

go with it she says.


chad is now in a very well appointed sex shop and somewhere in the universe is something called the apple of anguish. 

i guess it's something you stick up your butt that hurts real hard.


chad buys the rubber suit instead.

his loss.

he then goes home and tries to seduce his boyfriend.


blah blah blah all i seee at this point is more man butt.

that thing is juicy.


then nora and crayden are plotting to make viv crazy and steal her babies.


at this point i should mention that the time frame in this episode was all over the place and that confused me.


crayden starts fucking with viv by breaking shit.


rubber tate almost kills chad in the apple bobbing bucket,

beats the shit out of cowboy patrick and then drags his ass downstairs to firepoke his butt to death.

nora comes downstairs and says that this is so wrong.


rubber tate is like yeah, but, now a new family will move in and maybe they will have some babies.


back up.




this happened on your tv.


my eyes fell out of my head and went to the phone and dialed a suicide hotline.


ben and violet have some words.


old moira is in the kitchen telling vivian she's not crazy.

and that guys are assholes and will try to fingerbang you if you start giving them side eyes.

she recounts the origin of the word hysteria and tells her how men invented this word as a way to 

help them understand periods.


sidenote:  this is totally true btw.

women are awesome.

we are intuitive and we are emotional and we bleed out of our pee bug once a month and this is scary to dudes.

bc they are the total opposite and they don't understand it so they try to fix it like a flat tire.

a long time ago when men were REAL dumb they would lock us up or burn us at the stake.

now they just roll their eyes and ask us if we are perioding. 

walk away men...

just walk. away.




old moira also tells viv that the shit that's happening inside the house is actually happening.


viv races to wake violet and tells her they are going to aunt jo's.

once inside the car a couple of ghosts are hanging out in the back seat.

both viv and vi see them and run back inside the house.

they see ben and ben does his annoying psycho-diagnosing that makes viv want to "bash his goddamn face in".


she tells ben about the ghosts and then turns to violet to defend her..

and then..


my heart sinks. 


later violet and tate are basking in the glow of "intense" teenage sex.


in the basement crayden tries to get on tate's vertical stick.

tate's like no, i just had sex and i'm in love.


the next day marcy comes over and viv steals her gun.



later that night viv is getting ready for sex bed, wearing a super sexy nightie.

i believe in ghosts a lot more than i believe anyone would wear that to sleep in.


she starts hearing shit.

grabs the gun.

ben walks in.

she shoots him.

he gives her a valium.

she has crazy valium dreams.

the police and sexy chocolate come over.

they go upstairs.

viv starts freaking out more.

bonafide crazy this time.

but who can blame her.

ghosts are fucking with her and she's pregnant and she just shot her husband by accident and

no one believes her. 


i would be crazy too.



ben has her committed.

not cool ben.

soooooo not cool.


violet says nothing in her defense.

not cool violet.

soooooo not cool.


after the long slo mo walk down the stairs to the "hospital"..

viv tells us that while she is SUPER dissapointed in her asshole family she is relieved to be getting out of the house.


downstairs tate and moira are discussing the almost dead lovers in the basement..

tate uses the gun and blows patrick's face off..

chad reaches over to grab patrick's hand and then tate blows his ass apart too.


heavy shit ya'll.

heavy shit.


so what do we think?

how do we feel about all the homophobia going on?  fire poker butt raping?  too much for tv?

can we discuss the fact that the kid who plays tate is really carrying some heavy storylines..and doing it VERY well?

what about the women are just crazy references?


speak your minds..

the future of these recaps depends on it..