ahs.

s.o.s

i am writing this from under my bed with constance's knife in one hand and gasoline and a match in the other.

(which makes writing very dificult)

nobody better come fucking with me or i will start swinging this thing and then set shit off like a chinese new year.

 

my blood pressure was through the roof while watching this episode and i definitely shit my pants.

 seriously..

i wasn't sure i could even recap it.

all i can think about is violet running around in circles trying to escape.

or burning child scalps.

or man made dog meat, if you know what i'm sayin..

or for fuck's sake dead violet in the basement with a party of flies in her mouth.

MODG was right.

i TOTALLY DIED MY GOAT'S TAINT OFF THIS WEEK.

 the proof is in the diaper my friends...

 

 

grab your baby wipes and your burn salve and let's get started..

 

 

1994.

 time for some crazy ass 1950's ham.

ham that tastes like pineapples and cigarette smoke and regret.

 

tate, constance, addy and larry are seated around the dinner table.

tate begins to say grace..

only instead of nice things he says things like..

thank you for this murdering asshole who is banging my mother.

 

so obviously this is just after larry's wife and children set themselves on fire.

 

larry don't care though.

he just wants his new family to come and see him sing in the chorus of brigadoon down at the local theater.

addy screams with excitement.

tate bangs the table in protest.

saying that this asshole is the guy that killed our brother.

 

constance is quick to point out that beau died in his sleep bc of respiratory problems.

and that tate was blessed with gifts he has yet to use.

 

whatever.

 

bc that was all just a set up for the next scene.

 

we FINALLY find out how larry became burny.

 

and that's the thing about tate.

one minute you're like this guy is a fucking psycho who needs to get what's coming to him.

and the next you're like...YAAAAY TATE!!!!!   

set that fucker on fire!!!

 

we see tate in his room preparing for some baby arm-sized coke lines.

once he's good an geeked he grabs about 40 guns and shoves them up his sleeves,

along with a big ol red can of gasoline.

he marches right into larry's place of work, throws some gas on his head and tosses a match on top.

KABOOM!

larry is now burny.

 

tate leaves now to obviously go kill his school.

thankfully they don't show this part again.

 

 

next up is viv with some freshly red'ed hair.

looks like someone got out for a minute and had her hair did.

 

ben comes in and apologizes for throwing major douche shade her way.

but then just diarrheas out...your babies have 2 different fathers.

jesus ben, prepare a girl for news like that.

 

viv makes the best grossed out freaked out combo face in the history of ever.

ben says he will have her out in a few days and back home.

viv says she won't go back to the house.

 

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

obviously some time alone with her thoughts has served her well.

 

 

meanwhile constance is visited by 2 dectectives.

the 3 of them around the table looking like a veritable benetton ad.

one black, one asian-ish and one white.

they are showing constance pictures of travis in the hopes that she can identify him.

 

constance confirms that it's him and then asks who would do something like that to poor, sweet travis?

she then asks what he was doing in the COLORED section of town?

oh constance.

strike 1.

constance truly don't give a single fuck about anything.

 

 

over at murder house..a truant officer appears to check on the whereabouts of one violet harmon who has been absent from school for 16 days.

this coupled with the blowflies in a bowl of NOT decomposing apples comfirms our fears that 

violet is most likely dead.

 

next we see violet who maybe isn't dead but is probably dead and we are looking at her ghost sitting in her room listening to music.

ben knocks and comes in saying he is sorry for being such a bag of dicks.

he says she needs her to go back to school.

she says she can't.

ruh roh.

like don't wanna can't?

or like dead can't?

he tells her she has to meet him half way.

she agrees.

 

 

next constance is over at burny's.

she is telling him all about trav and then decides to chef's knife him in the neck.

she accuses him of killing her manly boyfriend.

he tells her that the house did it, basically.

or the ghosts inside it.

she gets super excited..

saying, "he died in the house??!!?!?!"

she's outta there faster than the results of a beiber paternity test.

but not before she belittles him with "travis was TWICE the man you are"..

larry follows with, "he is now".

nice burn, burny.

 

 

meanwhile tate pleads with violet to stay home from school one more day.

and in my heart of hearts i know this is bc he cares for violet.

bc he doesn't want her to figure out she's dead.

bc basically she CAN'T leave for school.

she can't leave period.

 

across the street constance returns home to see benetton cops outside her door.

some more racist jokes are made, this time hiroshima.

she is an equal opportunity racist.

her chef's knife falls out of her purse.

 

 

next we see constance down at the station being interrogated about all kinds of shit.

her husband and maid, moira still missing..

she claims they ran off down to mexico.

but what she really means is she buried moira in the back yard and dragged her husband down the stairs

(clearly not lacking upper body strength)

stuffed him in the meat grinder and fed him to the dog.

 

word.

 

some young new guy lawyer type tells constance they want to pin the murder on her.

oh the irony.

obviously this is the ONLY person she DIDN'T murder.

 

back at M.H.

the bug guy shows up to find the source of the blowflies.

whilst crawling around in the crawlspace he is giving himself the eye of the tiger speech, then comes up on a 

buttload of flies..

a-ha!!

he peers over the edge of a big ass hole and screams!

tate jumps out, says something stupid and shoves the end of the bug guy's spray hose into his mouth and pulls the trigger.

sheesh.

what a way to go.

but i guess now he knows how bugs feel.

 

upstairs ben is on the phone, calling private schools for girls..

when he sees a creepy reflection of tate in a photograph and turns around suddenly.

only no one is there.

 

next tate rushes up to the attic to play some chess.

as you do.

he tells violet that her dad is going to send her away.

 

 

down in the basement burny is digging up travis's bloody clothes..

he runs into travis.

he says he wants to get rid of the evidence.

travis doesn't understand.

he asks about being famous..

then hears some little girl voices.

and fuck me in my face there are some smoking, burned children girls sitting around a table having tea.

burny is sad.

they're his daughters.

and wife.

he looks at his wife and says he is going to make constance pay for what she did to his family.

and his wife is all...she didn't break any vows. YOU did asshole.

 

 

back upstairs ben is, thankfully, in the shower.

tate blasts through in full rubber.

they proceed to work each other over.

it is totally violently super gay and super hot. 

i am surprised that tate is winning here.

is it bc he is a ghost and is fighting with ghost like strength or is tate just ridiculously tall and strong?

or is ben just really short?

you were all wondering this too, right?

 

anyway..

ben ends up de-masking him, scooby style,

and screams for violet.

seems inappropriate.

wouldn't you have sliced his fucking head off instead?

too late.

tate essentially twists ben's head and tells him to sleep it out.

 

UGH.

the next bit is just too much.

maybe it's bc i have a daughter and i am full of the pms, but this was sooo sad to me.

 

tate finds violet again and tells them that it's too late they need to commit suicide so they can be together forever..

violet feigns agreement.

she tells him ok, but let's do it in the tub with candles.

tate says ok but they have to hurry.

while he goes off to get shit ready..

she runs away screaming for her dad..

"he's trying to kill me!!!"

only as she is trying to escape the house she just continues to run around in circles, 

exiting and entering over and over again.

it is disturbing.

maybe the most disturbing of all to me so far.

it's like she gets it but doesn't get it and it sucks.

 

tate tells her to follow him.

she does.

 

he leads her to the crawlspace..

where she sees her body...

 

motherfuck.

 

so yep.

she DID die from the overdose.

tate tried to save her but couldn't.

he thought that if violet chose to die with him via suicide that she wouldn't be so sad.

 

still though..

 

MOTHERFUCK!

 

 

over in prison larry confesses to the murder...

constance shows up to throw some c u next tuesday his way..

all he wants is for her to admit to loving him once, 

she can't.  and doesn't pretend to either.

i love her.

jessica lange kills it every time.

 

the end.

 

and here we are..

only 2 episodes left.

 

thoughts...