bet you didn't know that croutons were a powerful talisman against ghosts.
i'll also bet you didn't know that viv was going to die in childbirth.
at least not until you realized it about half way through.
ready to ferret out the fairies?
toss some croatoans in your salad and let's begin!
the year is 1984.
constance is fast asleep in a scotch dream watching newhart..
tater tot is running around playing with a tonka truck..
when the basement door opens.
we know what's down there don't we?
at least ONE hogwarts goblin.
tate takes his tonka truck down the stairs
and proceeds to lose it under some scary shit.
he crawls around to try and retrieve it..
there it sits to the right of the screen..
to the left is a giant gaping hole of black nothingness.
out pops thaddeus aka the hogwarts goblin aka frankenbaby aka a dwarf actor destined to always play scary motherfuckers or elves.
thad reaches for tate's face..
at which point nora appears and grabs little tate and says, "NO THADDEUS!!"
nora tells tate that all he ever has to do is to say 'go away' and all creepy people will do just that.
she then tells him that life is too short for such sorrow.
cut to a bunch of years later..
nora is crying in a room upstairs..
grown up tate is telling her that life is too short for such sorrow.
IN YER FACE NORA!
but she's crying bc she wants those babies.
tate's like..umm...no can do nora.. i love violet so i won't do anything to upset her.
F you that baby is mine.
ben is dragging violet out of the house to go pick viv up from the hospital.
violet cries a lot.
ben throws her in the back seat and tells her to lay down.
look at me i'm up in the window.
a few moments later the forever teens are on 'U-tube' and discussing teen stuff..
like, my parents will go crazy once they find out how dead i am.
they can't know..
we'll never have babies bc we're dead.
cut to the gayyyyys..
making nursery magic happen with some high gloss red..
and then RUINING IT with some krafty kid's potato project.
i was way into the minty green and red color scheme until they fucked that shit up with those bullshit 1992
potato animal stamps.
what gay in their right gay mind would ever do something so heinous?!!
violet and tate come in and ask them how to steal shit out of their asses.
chad tells them they won't be stealing shit.
instead they will be stealing babies.
violet runs to smoke and tell constance about this.
constance is like no one is stealing my grandbaby.
cut to constance up in the nursery with chad..
it goes like this:
constance: gay people are gross.
chad: your hair is gross.
constance: you're not natural.
chad: your face isn't natural!!!
constance: my vagina is the mother of all holes.
chad: so i smell.
constance: you can have baby #2, bc baby #1 is my grandson.
chad: fuck that noise.
constance: you're not fit to raise children, look at these dumb potato stamps.
chad: hahaha guess what stupid??
we're going to kill them while they're still cute and make decorative stamps with their stumps.
cut to an episode of celebrity ghost stories.
billie ray psychic is in the house 'splainin how to go about removing ghosts.
constance just homophobes all over everyone.
something about indians and croutons and personal belongings.
this shit is so dumb.
at the hospital the doctor comes in and tells viv and ben that she best be on bed rest bc one of those babies is pretty much eating the other one.
and it wants ouuuuutttt!!!!
viv is paddling up denial river.
tate and violet are on a scooby chase to get patrick's gay ring and chad's gay watch.
tate, of course, has to try to get a beej out of it.
patrick tells tate he should have tried to get to know him before he shoved a fire poker up his ass.
then proceeds to beat him severely around the face.
he mentions during the beating that it is tate's fault he's stuck there with a man he doesn't love.
chad hears this and decides that he doesn't want to be my two dads anymore
so he goes to the basement and throws everything in the incinerator.
* i swear to god if the incinerator is like some hell portal i will be super pissed.
unless it's a portal to the glee high school.
then that would be cool.
meanwhile viv is in the car having some labor pains that look a lot like my labor pains.
the rest of the episode goes like this:
ben: violet, let's go to florida now.
violet: NO! I'M DEAD!!! but you guys go and have fun!
ben: what? you're so silly. come on.
violet: NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHEN YOU DIE HERE YOU NEVER LEAAAAVE!
ben: stop eating so many drugs!
minnie from The Help: eat my shit!
viv: SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM HOLY MOTHER OF ASSSSSSSSS SCREAM!
constance: let's go hayave these baybuhs...
ben: hey! stop smashing my car up!!!
napoleon dynamite twins: GOD!! shut up!! (smash smash smash)
ben: what's up with your necks?
constance (to ben): let's do this!!!
Dr. Charles: turn out the lights and light up some candles bitches! electricity is dumb!
slutty dead nurses: yes doctor.
viv: AHHAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK MY LIIIFFFFEE!!!!!!!!!
ben: (thinking) whatinjesus'snameishappening??
constance: get your head out of your ass ben and go and help your wife.
viv: givemesomemotherfucking EEETHERRRR!!!
ben: breathe viv.
i love you
i hate everyone
dr. charles: oops, this one is stillborn, here you go honey (wink wink).
viv: can i hold it? (soul crushing agony)
constance: one more in there though! don't stop now!
chad: tate raped your mom.
violet: nuh uh.
chad: yuh huh.
viv: FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK....this hurts really bad..
viv: can i hold him?
constance: he needs a bath.
crayden: give me my baby bitches.
viv: i feel really bad.
drip drip drip..
(glee kids come out and sing a song from rent)
violet: come to my side mom.
violet: tate you are a murdering doucher!
tate: nuh uh.
violet: GO AWAY!!!
and then some more mother daughter sadness that i HATE.
did you see it coming at all?
i have to say as soon as she was in the car about to go into labor mike turned back to me from his chair and said, "she's going to die during childbirth".
and i was like...
OF COURSE SHE IS!!!!
i'm glad really.
it's going to be awesome between all the women of the house fighting for those babies.
and watching ben go crazy.