auditions are fun.

brring brrring(phone sounds) 

mike: hello?


jenny: (visibly and audibly distressed but still driving a vehicle) umm...oh god.

i'm really nervous what if i diarrhea on my legs?


mike: you're the dominator.  you'll be awesome.


jenny: no i am really nervous bc i don't know what the fuck i am doing i have tried to memorize 

these lines for the last 3 hours and for whatever reason nothing is sticking in my brain and this part i am reading isn't really the part i am auditioning for did you know that cuz the part i am auditioning for doesn't have a long scene to read so i am having to read robin wright's part and she's really different from the character i would be playing did you get that cuz i am so confused as an actor i guess i should just play it like the part i am reading bc it would seem weird to play it as the other character cuz billy bob wrote these lines for THAT character and i would be an asshole and a bad actress if i read them any other way.

maybe i just shouldn't go.


mike:  (uncomfortable laughter)  no!!!  you're going.


jenny:  i know i am halfway there.


mike:  you'll be fine.  you will be awesome.  go get 'em!!


jenny:  yeah. whatever. see you later. fuck then. bye then. 


(jenny arrives at location and walks in to check everyone else out.  sees other woman actor friend who is reading for the same part.  woman actor friend is cagey, acts different, scared and a zombie who has no idea where they are and needs brains in their mouth.)


jenny: hey!!  have you been in yet? is he in there?  


zombie woman friend: um.  yes.  yes.


jenny:  did they give you any direction?


zombie: just. read. the. part. like. you. should. read. the. part. if. you. were. interpreting. braaaain.s..shkeipleep.  snorp. 


jenny:  (grumbles obscenity and walks away)


jenny:  (to sign-in person)

am i next?


person: (looking at sheet)


jenny: (realizing person is not looking fast enough looks over her shoulder contemplates snatching it out of her fucking hands)


sign in person: about 15 minutes.


jenny:  i'll be outside can you come get me when it's time?


sign in person: yes.


jenny frantically goes over her lines, contemplates suicide and then feels like she just needs to connect to the character and once she does she will be fine.


15 minutes later person comes to get jenny.


slight connection to character achieved.  

though thinks she can make it funny and kooky enough that BB won't notice trembling hands or knees and will assume it's part of the craft. 

BB=kooky times a billion.


jenny walks up the stairs, to wait in the hall for another 10 minutes.

she feels camaraderie with the other actors at the top of the stairs as they all discuss their nerves.

talking and joking ensues.


(a look inside jenny's brain reveals all aforementioned character achievement and line memorization are being played by actual people wearing t shirts that say "character achievement" and "line memorization" and they are packing up their shit and leaving)


then, suddenly it's jenny's turn...

jenny: (thinking)


what the fuck just happened??!!








blonde woman with giant boobs (and diarrhea on her legs) enters audition room wearing this dress:


channelling this:

(no really i was...i did my hair just like this)


the movie takes place in 1969.






jenny enters room looking like sharon tate's fat, older sister.


this is where shit gets real stupid.


jenny hobbles over aimlessly, like a zombie looking for it's grave, to BB and the assistant director and some camera woman and the casting agent to hand someone her headshots.

too nervous to ask if they need both she just lays them down on the pile and makes zero eye contact with zero people.


then slides back to her mark.

and stands there.

like a totem pole.

a few hi's are exchanged but jenny can't remember any of it bc she is dead.

not real dead just present dead.


images are flashing before her eyes...




the AD speaks and says:

i will be your scene partner.

jenny: (softly, pathetically) ok 


she reads the scene but it's flat, unremarkable....horbs.


billy bob: great honey. (stares at boobs)

can you read this line for me now?

(billy bob reads a line to her to repeat back to him as another character, the character she is actually auditioning for she presumes)



jesus wants you to go to church bc he loves you!!


billy bob: great honey.  that was great. (stares at boobs)

thank you.



jenny:  ok then.

thank you.

(walks toward the door and with the enthusiasm of the situation after he just hate fucked a girl and then punched her in the face, says)

peace out billy bob!











jenny gets in car, drives home, then eats 1/2 a bag of barbeque potato chips, 398429384 malted milk ball egg things and drinks 3 glasses of wine.



and scene.