i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..
i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…
honey badger don't give a shit.
i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.
they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!
this is the competition that beat out yours truly.
the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..
saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"
jenny: "what's that?"
turd 1: "an orange accent wall."
jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"
turd 1: "no."
jenny: "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."
turd 2: "ok."
jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"
ok onto the recap.
the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..
tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds.
the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...
which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:
everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.
but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..
then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..
here they are:
don't tell me what to do.
my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.
around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin.
the room is chunky puke chunks.
this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?
the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.
imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.
LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-
THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.
AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.
JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!
(cry cry cry)
and for the record..
i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.
where are the antiques?
where is the pattern? the texture?
the lived in look?
and they had 3 days!!!
can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?
and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?
do they really teach that shit to you in design school?
fire all of those people.
dumb blanche went home.
but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.
or gave a shit.
i predict this face happening a lot:
emmys emmys emmys!!