design turd recap for your face




haha uhhhh....

let's see....where do i..begin..


the turds are kitchen designers this week.



i'll start there.

no wait..dreeeeam kitchen designers.


yet oddly enough the finished products were um...oh...i don't know..uhhh...fuglarious?


they worked in pairs again.

here's a pair:

"here's to sucking!!"



once the pairs pulled a kitchen layout out of a magic folder they then picked a teapot to inspire their design..

magical inspirational teapots of imagination


if it were me i would first smash all the teapots on the floor..

 then i would totes go traditional but i would do euro modern traditional and melt everyone's fucking face off.


but no one did anything good at all. 

no one.

at all.



first of all they got the worst advice ever from king bromstad of colorwheel..

"a kitchen should be vibrant and full of energy."

 ok that's just a fucking opinion king colordong.


i say a kitchen should just function practically and be real fucking pretty.




everyone seems to think that green is the most awesome color choice for their kitchen walls..



but then karl is all..wait...fuck a JUST GREEN KITCHEN!



because it's so stylish and vibrant and energized to have all the walls different fucking colors of course!



or as he likes to call it..


no really, that's exactly what he called it.



and cathy don't give a shit..


with her cleveland eyes..

"so long as i can style the shit out of it ya'll karl can paint it any colors he wants"



 kellie is sad that mark won't finish the tile backsplash that she picked out..


day 1


 day 2.


day 3.


 "tiling makes me sleepy."


meg puts up a peg board of pots and pans..

 meg board





tyler shows us that you only need a little bit of backsplash in the kitchen..

global green tiles  


 cathy styled it all up like a grocery store..

there was a bowl full of horseraddish (appropriate) and cucumbers (not appropriate)

and a full on bread station.


 emily were you stroking out at this point?


then came the dreaded camera challenges.

and i say dreaded for me,



cathy is so good at the camera challenges bc she speaks into the camera like a robot camera horse that can deliver all the appropriate camera challenge information for the camera.

"here, eat this imaginary apple as your reward!"


"nomnomnom neeeigh!!"


everyone else sucked.


time for judging!!


welcome this week's judge!

it's paula deen ya'll!

and that means it's time for my side project..

CeLeBrity FraGRanceS!


the paula deen edition.


it's called: butt her

scent: butter, butterscotch, scotch, menthols, tugboat steam, french country, aqua net, finger sandwiches,

shrimp shells and benicar


paula pretty much hates everything.

and why wouldn't she?


first up:


nothing says global like cork floors, a zebra rug, a live edge table and a liberace goes to india piano bench!



nothing says farmhouse like industrial pendants!



nothing says industrial like dark cabinets, a red wall, his friend yellow wall, and mid century stools!


nothing says contemporary like buffalo wings and celery sticks!



the winner of this week's design challege was cathy with her barnload of info delivery in under 60 seconds..

way to go cathy!



"i mean neeeeiiigghh!!!!"



the loser this week was tyler..


sorry tyler, there's only room for one gaysian on hgtv...