you would think that given the opportunity to design their own space without having to concede to someone else's shitty design would mean less shitty design.
well you'd be wrong.
it was raining poop and pee and farts and sharts and suede couches.
kellie just won a million dollars!!!!
just kidding she just saw the hgtv'd truck.
hgtv'd truck=b'hole herpes.
are you ready?
the poor bastards with a house in need of decorating for free were the....sbbaasshottks?
fuck i can never understand anyone's name..
i will call them the spatchcocks...
the spatchcocks aka delicious chicken heads.
the turds draw cards to see which room they get to fuck up..
the spatchcocks brief the turds on what they need/want in each of the rooms.
they have 2 little boys.
1 of them likes to party. hard.
the other one likes sports.
they need some chandeliers (plural).
someone wants bunkbeds and some lockers (here's a hint..it's not mom or dad).
someone has a record collection (that mark will make a ladder out of).
and leslie has cobras for arms..
everyone comences shopping..
mark shops for all the wood in the land..
"wood is my favorite."
mark is moving on to his masterpiece of all ladders,
made out of records..
everyone in brooklyn is hi-5'ing.
in the next room kevin is making stone look more like stone with paint that looks like stone..
paint this stone the color of stone.
handing over her title as design star.
but then as if things couldn't possibly get any gayer (and thankfully they always do)-
the gayest car in the universe pulls up..
(oonce oonce oonce oonce)
(oonce oonce oonce oonce)
IT'S LORD MCGAYLORD!
lord of the gay is there for some role playing lessons.
karl pretends not to be creepy (FAIL) and david pretends he is dorothy in the wiz (NAILED IT).
day 3, maybe.
more shopping happens.
kellie can't find lockers..
crates are lockers sometimes when crates are busy being lockers.
meg shops for ottomans..
"hey jenny, you mean aaaaahtahmahns."
kevin can't find a mantle in all of new jersey..
so he asks woody for some wood..
but he's like..no wood here..
meg is running behind again..
"ha haa ha ha i better put aahn my big girl panties and hang some laahnternz.."
i would have ripped that homespun shit down immediately.
time for the guest judge!!
it's my boyfriend john gidding!!!!
and that means it's time for another edition of..
(whispers) CeLebriTy FRaGraNceS
it's called: cuntemporary modern (for him/her)
scent: spruce, freshly cut tile, spruce, DWR showroom, tom ford's ball juice, new canvas sneakers, crest
john pretends to love everything bc he is friendly and positive.
jacked up letters and inabiltiy to stuff the comforter INSIDE the duvet.
cobra arms are hard.
the other side:
there is a giant soul eating monster hovering near the bed (10 points from gryffindor!)
plus there are screen printed pictures on the comforter.
i just want to understand the taste level here people.
rug on an angle.
150 points from gryffindor.
plus no bunk beds=little boy tears.
mark's living/dining combo:
those rugs are dumb.
would you like some wood with your wood?
all of that shit would land in the dumpster.
kevin's family room:
kevin don't know nuthin bout furniture arrangin.
karl's master bedroom:
that's french canadian for milk toast.
it'd been a whoooole lot better if it wasn't so ugly.
and it's the winner.
no you heard right.
winning in all it's matchy blue and beige accordian blinded glory.
the loser this week is les..
but not bc his room sucked.
bc HE sucks.
this show is sucking the shit out of sucking.