downton recap: episode 3- the case of the missing matthew




this week started me off in my happy place.

watching cousin isobel (can we all rejoice in how much that name sounds like a long lost 'facts of life' character?)

squirm in a self righteous slow burn is positively gleeful. 



cora is changing shit.

namely schedules.



cousin isobel is clearly hurt by the fact that no one seems to care whether she's there or not.

perhaps if you weren't such condescending slut, ISOBEL.


speaking of sluts...


ethel is walking on very dangerous slutty ground.



the dowager countess and mary are walking and talking.

and then sitting and talking.

the countess is still gunning for matthew as mary's husband.

mary just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about matthew,

and to start considering once and for all sir richard car-LYLE for president of mary's cold, steeley cooter.

the DC quickly changes the subject to that of sybil and how could someone so pretty be so single?

can we all just finally come to grips with the fact that sybil is gay? (for me)



back inside downton...


isobel is downstairs threatening mrs. hughes with the eyes of a woman on the verge of post-menopausal murder.

but rather than waste her good murdery eyes on lowly mrs. hughes she marches upstairs and straight into her ladyship's bedroom..


cora just simply has no time for this..


oh you done did it now cora..













outside 2 almost lovers in uniforms are about to be cockblocked by mary... 



because nothing clears away the war sads faster than an impromptu concert and magic show...

edith and mary practice for their big number.



isobel runs away from home leaving mrs. bird and mr. molesley to their own devices.


 which is pretty much nothing.


mrs. bird decides that pickling eggs would be fun..


a war vet hobbles in looking for some food and a soup kitchen is born..

so that boredom can die. 

circle of life.


over at downton..

molesley is in the running for england's next top valet.



and daisy spills the beans about mr. bates working in the local pub...



that william is missing and therefore..


matthew must be missing too!!

"this news would have been better recieved in my uniform".



at dinner the DC is poking around for signs of lesbianism..


"i didn't say anything!"




molesley is still in the running toward becoming england's next top valet.



o'brien tattles on the soup crew.


mrs. hughes hears a noise that sounds like fucking.




that mrs. hughes was right.


 ethel is fired.




the bromance blossoms.




 yay!!!!  bates is back.



 sorry molesley you are not england's next top valet.


and neither is your shoe horn.  stick.  back scratcher.


 bates and anna hoping for the best.



edith tells mary that matthew is missing saying that she thought she should know.


*we have a rule in this house...and it's primarily the reason i NEVER watch the news..

and that is you never ever ever tell me anything horrible right before bed.

i will chop your head off.  

for real.


mary cries and stabs edith.

and then she and anna drag the body across the house.



next day..

 the soup crew: BUSTED!


only ha ha jokes on you o'brien..

lady grantham says you're on the bread line.

that's just one notch up from the spoon line.




it's concert time..

time for some dumb ass magic..

"watch me hide my penis inside ethel.." 



ladies and gentlemen..

the moment we've all been wating for..




" blah blah...laaa laa...sing're the only girl...blah blahh"


but then suddenly as only true love knows...

"really? what is it you smell?  is it my trench balls?

or is it my fear of being turned down by you one more time?"



"but seriously folks..

don't stop singing this gay song on my behalf.


"lllaaaa la la la blah blah you're the only one foree meeeeeee"


after the scene that gave my dad a grand mal seizure and choke on his own tongue..


just some old fashioned after concert mingling..



 "sweet lavinia"



mrs. hughes is called away from the party to address a problem..


a pregnant ethel.. 


the next earl of grantham?

why else would they write this bullshit?


while you marinate on that for a spell..


please vote for your favorite dowager countess quip..













branson farts,