downton recap: episode 4- KABOOM!!!!!!!!!


it's 1918 and that means the war is almost over..

but not before the battle that brings down the downton heir and his wartime valet.


while men are pooping their pants and lighting cigarettes at the same time..


mary is at home conjuring matthew shaped tea leaves and daisy is sifting flour in the form of william's face..


 broken tea cup = broken dreams.


something is terribly terribly wrong..


a human cross means buisness.




 back at downton...


o'brien comes in to wake up the lord and lady..

"don't be alarmed, it's just me head diaper for sleep.

also matthew is hurt.  maybe even paralyzed in his ding dong!"



there is a family meeting where it is decided that..nothing is decided.


the urchins are waiting quietly in the other room, for any news.

o'brien's bangs ever protected.



dr. clarkson is ALL business ALL the time.


not even the DC can persuade him to let william die in hospital.



mary is getting some things packed so she can be by matthew's side...


her dad knows what this means so he blasts her bubble with reality lasers...

reminding her that lavinia is going to be there too.

mary don't give a shit.

she's still packing with purpose.



over in a church made entirely out of fog.. 

the couple that prays together stays together.



the DC is trying out this new fangled phone fuckery and pulling some strings for william in leeds.



meanwhile...amidst the scent of angst and car grease..

sybil and branson talk about who has more feelings for stuff and stare at each other's sex parts.


  sybil's feelings seem to be buried beneath many layers of fur and adorable..



over in leeds...

edith and the dowager countess decide that since william is dying he may as well die in a back bedroom at downton.



and in the village hospital..

matthew is being carried in ever so gently on a stretcher.. 

oh come on mary it can't be that ba..



good lord.  that's nasty.


jesus dr. clarkson..what is that?!


later lavinia shows up looking like a 12 year old school girl.



 and then...

"let me try to explain this to you lord grantham...

no leg dick movement."



somewhere in a hovel..


ethel shows us superbaby.

mrs. hughes is apparently bringing it ALL of the food in the universe.

ethel tell mrs. hughes that if major mustache saw the giant baby he might be inclined to mary her.

or something.



 william aka wheezy from toy story..

is in the girliest room in all of yorkshire.

he wants to mary daisy before he dies but daisy is like, gross i don't love him.




well, that's what i would have said to her.



 a new blind maid is coming to downton.. 




mary tells matthew that he might not walk again..

and mary's eyebrows do a dance of sadness.



closing your eyes indicates :

a. ultimate sadness

b. feeling cold and seeing into the future

c. relief

d. being fed up with your sister

e. making the advances of turkish men seem less gross

f. sleep



 mrs. hughes delivers edith's plea for child support..


to no avail.



 later matthew tells lavinia that they can't be married bc they wouldn't be "properly" married..




back in the land of sexual tension..


branson and paddington almost kiss.. 

 seriously.  does anyone know what the hell these 2 are ever talking about?

this is just about them kissing, right?

that's the purpose of these 2 characters, right?



daisy does her best thinking while sifting flour..

 we get it daisy..

you don't love william.



william's dad talks some sense into her and she agrees to mary him even though SHE TOTALLY DOESN'T WANT TO!!!!!!




lavinia and mary (in secret) are super bummed that matthew's ding dong will never penetrate them with its pasty, reserved force.



meanwhile...some gross old white guy doesn't want to grant william his dying wish..

but the dowager's heart is made up of flowers and marshmallows over this wedding taking place.

of course mean mr. albino priest is a total rule follower and simply canot break god's heart this way.

the dowager is quick to remind him that he is living on grantham land and is sniffing grantham flowers so he better follow the grantham rules.




 anna confided in mary that mrs. bates was going to expose her and her powerful turk killing vagina,

mary takes the news to car-LYLE and this makes car-LYLE ultra cocky..


not to worry, car-LYLE knows just what to do.

he makes mrs. bates sign a contract that states she can't say another word about this to anyone anywhere anytime or he will straight up chop off her head and feed it to trench rats.


  later mrs. bates finds out that he tricked her all along..

she jumps on her broom and flies away...for now.



totally blind you guys.




 i about shitvomit after seeing this cheeseball flowery bed.


i'll bet while this was going down william was like..."fuck sake you guys i might be dead in 2 minutes...just get daisy in here and let's get this done".. was like the saddest scene ever.

with or without the gay flowers.


 exactly DC.

 i think we all had "colds".



the fuck did she come from?



 in the end..

 daisy stayed with william right up until the very end.

good girl.



what a sad sad episode.


what's next?

i'll tell you what's next..

the spanish influenza probably.

shit killed a lot of people.


what will become of matthew and his ding dong?

will that giant baby continue to grow like a cullen?


i learned last night from several sources that shirley maclaine will be joining the cast in season 3 as lady cora's mother.

can you even imagine the scenes between her and maggie smith?

acting gold.



 and finally...

since there was only one truly hysterical lady violet moment in this week's episode..