writing this post wasn't easy..
sharing it was not so easy either.
i have been sitting on this post (that's what she said) for about 4 months.
and it's time to open the gates of our relationship into some real personal shit.
and since you people have saved me on more than one occasion (hello lemon on my wenis!) i am certain this can only be a good thing...for us all.
there are a lot of people out there reading this blog...i know it bc i see it in the stats.
so i am sure there are a few who will see things very differently from me.
just as i am sure there are a few who i will convince to see things my way.
which, unfortunately, is sort of still undecided even though my heart leans in one direction.
my point is i want everyone's opinion...sans judgement.
you can have an opinion without judgement.
because what might be good for me may not be good for you and vice versa.
you long time mfamb'ers know about my GAD- you might recognize it better as all-the-shit-i-complain-about-all-the- time-when-i-say-i-think-i-am-dying.
GAD-or generlized anxiety disorder, sucks wenis.
i have had it for about 12 years.
probably even earlier.
we won't get into that right now but suffice it to say i was the kid who worried about everything.
like being possessed after watching the exorcist when i was 11.
so much so that i refrained from gymnastics out in the yard when all the other kids were tumbling like proper, happy, fearless 11 year olds.
i was certain i'd levitate on up into the ether after a well executed round off.
it tormented me for a couple of years.
every day. every night.
i worried about other things too..not just the ridiculous things...like swallowing your own tongue because it felt fat or sharks in the toilet- but about failing school, about falling down, about throwing up...the list goes on.
i was afraid of a lot.
and apparently that shit doesn't go away.
because despite the fact that i am, thankfully, no longer afraid of swallowing my tongue or sharks coming to eat my butt while i am peeing (their loss), i am still afraid of a lot of those things to this day, and more.
sure, over the years anxiety hides and you develop tools to get through until the next time.
but there comes a time when it beats you down to the point that you just feel like maybe you need
that point when all of the tricks you have used over the years aren't enough anymore.
i have been to lots of doctors (none of them psychiatrists or psychologists) and they all tell me to take an
but here's the thing.
i am not depressed.
i don't think.
i DEFINITELY have anxiety.
i've never ever considered myself depressed.
i don't have any of the symptoms of depression other than anxiety and worry.
when did we stop calling that PMS and start calling it depression?
IS this depression?
am i depressed?
is everyone depressed?
i have been taking lexapro for 4 days now.
this particular SSRI is used for anxiety more than depression.
it's supposed to quiet the monkeys.
however, it makes my anxiety worse. which in turn makes my insomnia worse.
but i hear that that will stop and when it does i should feel like peeing rainbows and pooping sparkles.
maybe i need to take more.
maybe i need to take less.
maybe i need to put on my big girl panties and shut the fuck up.
now that i have been taking these things i have never been more conflicted over anything in my entire life.
i mean...really conflicted.
taking an antidepressant goes against everything i believe in my little hippie brain.
and yet...i am suffering with such terrible insomnia and anxiety.
i guess one would call this an episode? a flare up?
my thinking is that i should be able to get through this on my own.
and then there is the other voice that just as quickly says...yeah..but how's that working out for ya?
and then THAT voice says...but what about getting off these things? i hear it's mind and soul crushingly hard and that it makes all the things you started taking them for to begin with come back a million times worse.
and often those that never had depression suddenly have terrible depression bc your god given serotonin is being fucked with in an unnatural way.
and yes...i know...those psych docs they LOVE to talk about some people's brains just don't work the same way as others..and i'll give them that..
and this is my biggest but of all..
WHY do their brains not work as well?
why do they have less serotonin or whatever..
and why can't it be fixed naturally?
are people really investigating that?
what about eliminating or changing the things in your life that are making you sad, or angry or anxious?
are we really trying to do that?
i don't want to take a happy pill when i can change the things in my life that are making me unhappy and be NATURALLY happy.
know what i mean?
and yet...i am still not sleeping and my anxiety is in full force.
do i give these things a chance when i want to flush them down the toilet and then pull them back out and wipe them off and whisper i'm sorry to them?
or do i face the scary changes that i need to make?
what are those changes?
i'm not sure i even know.
change is hard.
change doesn't happen overnight.
people don't like change.
pills are easier.
but when you get off those pills after a few years...aren't your issues still there?
if you never confronted them in the first place?
it's the ultimate conflict.
Have a dialogue between the two opposing parts and you will find that they always start out fighting each other until we come to an appreciation of difference, ... a oneness and integration of the two opposing forces. Then the civil war is finished, and your energies are ready for your struggle with the world.
-frederick solomon perls
don't think for one minute that i have any idea what the fuck that means.
but it sounds right.
i wanna hear your thoughts.
do you take them?
would you take them?
there are monkeys in my brain and they are throwing shit and laughing and stabbing my fragile cortex.
do YOU take antidepressants?
tell me, for how long? for what?
how many of us are going through this?
let's not go through it alone.
if you're afraid to tell the internet about your probs please email me personally if you'd like.
or you can anon yourself in the comments.
i would PREFER if you emailed me personally bc then i know who you are and bc i can email you back with no less than 70 annoying questions.
i promise i won't tell.
but i am cool with 4,000 anon comments...i think.
just don't leave me hangin.