first things first...
as if for one second i believe that a girl that hot would EVER want to do it in the 'death chute'. unless she is referring to her poop chute. because i totally call my pooper the death chute.
and hot girls are notorious for wanting to do it in their butts.
just ask my husband. he seems to think all hot girls like it in the butt.
but that is not why i call my pooper the death chute.
i certainly do NOT like it in the butt, mine is named the death chute bc of what comes out of it. obv.
and adam levine? really?
until i saw him 'moisten the area' last night i was all...adam levine is a doucher with a whiny voice.
but now...i would totally let him moisten my area.
my area 51.
i did NOT see that coming.
let's back up.
briarcliff manor present day...
adam levine is all.."she wiiiill be loooooved on this table".
meganfox/jennadewan (same person) is all "you can do it in my butt in the death chute (effectively death chute²) just as soon as you investigate that noise".
p.s. i used to live in an apartment building called briarcliff and it was built in 1900 and i am pretty sure i had tuberculosis for a minute when i lived there. and i am certain it is where i first became a little bit insane.
and it was definitely the place i discovered i did NOT like it in my death chute.
anyway..blah blah blah adam levine gets his arm ripped off by something resembling a hand..
a gas station in 1964.
tate season 1 is pumping gas that is 30 cents a gallon which was highway robbery apparently in 1964.
i am certain this is true bc as of this moment i cannot seem to locate a cents sign on my computer.
some asshole is obviously disgruntled by the obscene gas prices and throws his 3$ worth of gas on the ground.
after tate season 1..ok...KIT. his name is kit but that name is so 1964-contrived i want to vomit comet in everyone's face.
anyway..after kit picks it up and dances away bc he is so blissfully happy with life that he doesn't give a shit that some asshole threw his money on the ground, the lights go out and i am all...here we go!!!
scary scary scary time!!
but then billy someone shows up and is all....hah ha!! i got you!
the only thing scary about this scene is the fact that billy looks exactly like giovanni ribisi only he is not giovanni ribisi and that is scary bc he looks JUST FUCKING LIKE GIOVANNI RIBISI!!
seriously raise your hand if you were thinking that was giovanni ribisi in a giovanni ribisi mask.
anyway...bc it's 1964 there is bound to be some racial tension bc that is indeed a scary human reality that we are still living today and nothing pleases ryan murphy more than drawing parallels between present day horrors and olden time horrors.
so billy charms us all with his use of the 'n word' and we see kit flinch a little.
he then goes on to talk about kit's maid.
how can a gas station attendant afford a maid?
i'm so confused.
wait...there's more innuendo!!
there just so happens to be a piece of chocolate right next to billy and he takes a bite...looks at kit and says..
what does it mean?!
the real horror so far is the fact that that chocolate is totally baking chocolate and baking chocolate is bullshit.
next up we see kit coming home and his "maid" aka new black wife, alma, waiting with a smile on her face.
only she is soooo not baking chocolate. she isn't even milk chocolate!! she is maaybe chocolate mousse if i squint.
they kiss, they talk about their marriage being legal and they haven't done anything wrong and they should go public with their love etc...
1960's interracial marriage=present day gay marriage.
ryan murphy is trying to school some people.
i don't need so much convincing on the topic.
but hey, here's to hoping the idiots who actually believe that gay/interracial marriage is wrong are bright enough to see it too.
anyway kit and alma proceed to do it.
after alma gets up to make her husband some dinner the light of a thousand suns comes beaming through every possible opening in the house...OBVIOUSLY this is billy ribisi.
only it's totally stick creatures with the power to suck everything up and out.
also they have probes. 'death chute' probes.
alma screams "help me" and is gone.
kit gets his clothes ripped off and his death chute poked only not in a good way.
next we are introduced to craigslist psychic season 1 aka lana, a sassy, nosy, lesbian reporter clearly inspired by velma from scooby doo-
who is coming to taste some baked goods or something.
she is met by baby killing, pepper.
i would like to say i was freaked out by pepper's appearance but i know a pair of bubba teeth when i see them.
nice try ryan murphy.
that is actually jennifer lopez under there.
next we see sister jude (once again, brilliantly played by jessica lange) giving chloe sevigny a skrillex cut for being a slut.
jessica lange has a way of playing a completely insane evil person that deep down you feel sorry for.
there is always such a vulnerability with her performances.
oops! in walks blubbering blundering sister eunice with lana banana.
if this weren't a modern day horror show set in the 60's i'd think this was an 80's sitcom set in the 60's.
although, i get the sense that at some point she is going to have the last laugh.
until scooby takes the mask off and we see that it's actually not sister eunice at all!!
"and i'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling insane people!"
jude tells eunice to knock next time, sheesh!!
and eunice profoundly apologetic (too apologetic if you ask me- side eye to you eunice)exits only to RE-enter again...without knocking. (cue laugh track)
seriously can someone re-cut this entire episdoe as a comedy?
anyway...this time eunice has some news!
apparently right now, downstairs they are bringing in the scary murderer who killed all those people and stole their faces off their heads or something.
lana banana perks right up and is all...ooooh, is that bloody face? can i talk to him? i'd really like to ask him some questions.
the idea that lana is not actually there to eat jessica lange's pie is almost too much for her to take.
one gets the sense that jessica is conflicted by impure thoughts of fame and fortune and sex and stuff a lot.
cut to kit being brought in as the scary bad man.
wait...so kit is bloody face?
oh...we don't really know WHO bloody face is?
time will tell.
i think it's kit though.
thank you ryan murphy.
kit picked up where dylan mcdermott left off.
many women and gays thank you.
ok..blah blah kit gets a shower of flour and water.
someone's making dough?
then he goes to sleep courtesy of a big fat needle,
wakes up and gets his ass caned by sister jude.
after he wakes up from that mess he wanders around the looney common room where he meets grace, some wide eyed french girl who looks crazy in that girl interrupted angelina jolie way..which is to say not at all.
grace is to be his mentor at briarcliff.
saying.."stick with me kid....i'll make sure you get food and cigs."
actually, no. she doesn't say that.
and then BAM kit gets clocked in the face by kelly rippa's husband.
random times a million.
kit is sent to solitary confinement because, duh!
upstairs in sister jude's room eunice is crying bc someone named willie is gone.
jude senses someone is up to no good...
and she barges in on dr. arden who likes plants and murdering people.
he is a scientist!!!
which means everything he does from this moment on will be backed up by the institution of science!!
dr. science is obviously killing patients and feeding the aliens out back with thier bloody, ground up remains.
later we meet lana banana's girlfriend, wendy, who smokes pot and teaches school and is a lesbian!!
they seem to be a great couple. in a healthy relationship.
supportive of one another and in love.
but they're lesbians!!!
lana tells wendy that she has big plans to sneak into briarcliff to get an interview with bloody face.
it will put her on the map as a journalist.
and wendy is totally supportive of this crazy idea bc there is no way that anything terrible will happen.
cut to sister jude'lia child whipping up a fancy coq au vin and perfuming her boobies while wearing a red slip.
for a second i thought this was some kind of daydream shit but then realized no...totally real.
and totally awesome.
so who is this magical dinner and scented boobie spectacle for?
not dr. science.
OH!! joseph fiennes!
i totally get it.
i would be slutting it up under my habit too if the head priest looked like joseph fiennes.
father o'hara is going on and on about becomming a cardinal in NY and making jude his mother superior.
blah blah blah..
jude is hearing none of it, instead she is fantazising about sitting on his fat, irish weiner.
who wouldn't be jude? who wouldn't be?
meanwhile sister eunice is carrying some buckets filled with bloody stumps and eyeballs through the woods to feed the aliens.
lana banana is out there smoking a cigarette. what? weird.
lana is like...wait a second! what's out there? i hear growling. are those stumps and eyeballs in those buckets?
yeah, duh. that's your cue stupid.
meanwhile kit is eating sans hands in his cell and dr. science comes in to shoot up his neck with some sleepy time drugs.
this scene and the following scenes are interspersed with adam levine and megan dewan dealing with adam's unfortunate arm situation.
jenna fox is running down the death chute (that's what he said) looking for a way out and running into meat face. bloody face. whatever.
eunice and lana are also walking down the death chute.
lana is asking too many questions.
eunice is a tad overwhelmed.
kelly ripa's husband flings dookie in her face which is obviously too much for eunice to handle so she leaves lana in the chute to fend for herself.
lana hears jude clippity clopping in her nun clogs down the hall and she pops into an empty cell.
after the coast is clear lana emerges to investigate the same door that ripped adam levine's arm off.
meanwhile dr. science is probing around kit's face and neck area and removes a motherfucking space spider.
back in jude's room..
eunice is blubbering about being stupid and she demands to be spanked.
only instead of jude's obviously small usual cane eunice takes it upon herself to get the biggest cane in the giant cane armoire.
i think she likes it.
this freaks jude out a little bit and she tells her to leave.
lana wakes up strapped to a bed wondering what happenend...
she tells jude that they can't keep her there, people will come looking for her.
at this point we cut to jude visiting lana's girlfriend...
essentially it breaks down like this:
jude: lana has had a bad accident and needs to stay with us for a really long time, don't even try to step in and save her you heathen.
wendy: but wait. i am her...umm...friend.. i have rights.
jude: um no. you don't. you are a homo and a school teacher and i can ruin you forever.
wendy: you suck dicks lady!
jude: i wish.
jude confronts lana with the news of wendy's consent to have her committed and proceeds to tell lana that together the two of them are going to pray the gay away.
cut to dr. science scrubbing away the funk in metal arm eating door room.
dr. science: (scrub scrub) oh hey nothing to see here.
jude: you're up to something you evolution loving jesus hater.
at this point jenna megan has run into bloody face who is about to eat her face..
i thought it was good, very good even.
great acting, of course.
certainly engaging and creepy.
not even close.
i might have jumped when that creepy spiderchip scurried away, but that's bc i fucking hate spiders.
everything else was, meh.
jennifer lopez as pepper the baby killer.
jude's fantasy with father hotness.
the total fucking random casting of kelly ripa's husband as a gold toothed, shit slinging crazy.
lesbian characters front and center.
sorry this took so long btw...i was at an audition for TWO HOURS today!
and it was an hour away in traffic. uphill both ways.