i'm the boss of my mind diarrhea.

 again, i want to thank all of you who wrote me personal emails as well as commented on my GAD post.

there were a lot.

and truth be told, i got seriously overwhelmed and had to stop reading.

so many of you are suffering worse than i.

and it was breaking me in half.

i was starting to feel guilt about my own problems and MORE anxiety about yours.

in addition to that i was just as conflicted as i was before i received the emails.

go figure.

i should have sensed that would be the case.

mainly bc for every case FOR antidepressants (yay!!  antidepressants are going to change my life!!).

there were just as many AGAINST antidepressants (antidepressants are the devil's milk and i am sipping at the teat).



here's what i have learned so far.


this is my struggle and while i am glad i have those stories to refer to, i need to do what works for me.

and i need to figure out what that is on my own.

no one can tell me what is right for me but me, not you, not my husband, not google, not anyone.

never ever ever doubt your instincts.

they are always right.

that said...please know i am forever grateful to you for sharing.

and many of you provided awesome tips and tricks of your own, thank you so much!

i hope in return i can help some of you along the way. 



not only do i have anxiety issues i also have OCD issues.

not the rubbing the door knob no less than 400 times kind but the "i can't fall asleep until every single thing is in check in the house, i.e. the doors are locked, the windows are locked, the cat's water bowl is filled, there is not enough lotion on my hands i won't be able to sleep until i go and put more on.." etc..

i obsess over these things when i am under stress.

and they are always at night and they are always preceding sleep.

clearly the source of my anxiety and fear is sleep or the fear that i won't sleep unless i do these things the exact same way every single night.



i have learned that i am so sensitive to pain and discomfort that i will do anything to avoid it.

like develop severe anxiety disorder, OCD's and insomnia.



i am almost 100% positive that i can trace the source of all of this fear/obsession/anxiety back to when i was 11 years old and i threw up for what was to be the last time since.


as in...

i haven't thrown up in 31 years.

it must have been so awful for me that i would do anything to avoid it.

including not eat certain foods, not be around certain people, dread certain times of the year, avoid watching things on tv, wash my hands obsessively...etc.. etc.. etc..

this way of thinking....coping....has stuck with me and now, whenever something happens to me that is tremendously uncomfortable or painful i revert to these mechanics to survive it.

i.e. insomnia.

insomnia=throwing up.

something so ungodly uncomfortable and painful and dreadful that i start to obsess over avoiding it and the anxiety takes over.

i mean insomnia happens to everyone at one time or another.

but most people don't worry about it.

and then guess what?

it goes away.

but when you are accustomed to worrying it is your go to response for everything.


which brings me to my first order of business...

coping with insomnia the RIGHT way...



 i started reading this book yesterday and am almost finished.

i have to say it's a bit of an eye opener so far.

i am not done and i have not implemented the technique so i can't say whether it works.

i will let you know.


so far though it talks about how terrible sleep medication and things like xanax are for sleep.

primarily bc they are a crutch...and a dangerous one.

pills in general are a crutch because

 they stop working after a while and then you are back to where you started..unable to get to sleep on your own using your own tools to get through it.


any artificial crutch will decrease your confidence in your own ability to sleep.

now granted, there are plenty of you who suffer with the occasional sleepless night and you take a tylenol pm to get some sleep...this isn't really for you..

i am talking to the people out there who have transient or chronic insomnia.

this book makes a strong case against using pills to get through the night.

i recommend it so far for that information alone.

it was fairly liberating just knowing i needed to give those things up forever.

i.e. xanax, ambien, lunesta...etc..


i am not refering to giving up the xanax for plane rides..not yet anyway..

baby steps.


just giving it up for sleep.



so...that's where i am now.

i have more books coming..

a few on anxiety and some progesterone cream that other people swear by.

and an appointment with a cognitive therapist.


with the lexapro-

i am still on a very low dose that i am tapering off of and bc of the book up there i want to put on hold until i get a handle on my insomnia bc as it is now...these pills are a crutch for me to sleep better.

which as you know i am now adamantly against.


if i can get a handle on the insomnia i KNOW i can get a handle on my anxiety.


and if a therapist who i like and trust tells me that these meds will be good for me to get through the struggle of getting over this anxiety then i will.

but if i know myself..i am fairly certain i can turn this around on my own.

it is a tremendously empowering thought and one that i believe is possible.

and i think THAT is the most important thing you can feel. 

empowered and hopeful. 


have a great tuesday sluts!