before we get to this week's THE FUCK IS THIS? THE FUCK WAS THAT? episode of AHS...which let's face it..
got a solid 5 out of 5 THE FUCK IS THIS? THE FUCK WAS THAT?'s
first we need to discuss last week's TFIT? TFWT?
because that episode was chock full of it too.
here's a (not so) brief run down:
bloody face has some copy cat pranksters kickin it inside modern day briarcliff.
they straight delivered the murder where bloody face failed so many times before regarding adam levine and jennameganfoxtatum.
so those two i think are officially dead.
key words being "I THINK".
the devil in miss eunice is pulling some pranks of her own.
producing a paper from 1949 featuring the murder of a little girl.
none other than sister judes crash and dash victim...aka the girl in blue.
which results in a relapse of binge drinking on the night of the
meanwhile dr. science is doing re-con on that spider chip thing from kit's neck.
the devil in miss eunice comes sashaying through the common room like charlize in those dior commercials..
when a gypsy woman spouts off about her being satan..which is the worst thing she could have said pretty much bc later she gets in in the neck with a hulking pair of scissors.
blood spews from her neck like a fire hydrant.
arden is asking kit about the spider thing..and...
knowing what we all now know there is obviously SOMEONE or SOMETHING else involved here.
it can't all be about dr. arden and his nazi war criminal ways..
otherwise why would he be asking kit about it?
so the spider thing, we are all in agreement, is an ALIEN thing, yes?
dr. arden=woman skin peeling murderer.
later devil eunice sluts it up in front of dr. arden and he calls her many slutty whore names.
most of which are just different versions of the same word:
there is "whooaah" and "whooooore" and my favorite "whoooooa-re"
she thinks it's hilarious. (who wouldn't?)
p.s. where did her slutty garters come from?
probably the same place the old newspaper came from.
zonko's jokeshop in hogsmeade, obvs.
back in the common room lana asks threadson to deliver a message to wendy.
which he does bc he totally hates sister jude.
dr. arden is listening to the radio which is broadcasting STAHM facts and something about strange lights not being lightening and then on cue the little spider chip in a jar starts jumping.
while this is happening drunk jude is starting some movie about christian being eaten or something..
she is super wasted though and all the nuts are amped up bc of the STAHM and well..being nuts.
she starts drunk singing.
which might explain why karaoke is so popular in bars.
grace and kit and shelley and lana all give grade C excuses to exit the movie to the dumbest guard in the history of guards.
jude leaves in search of all the missing patients.
she's wandering through the dark and then BAM...runs right into an alien with a vagina face.
dr. arden is putting lipstick on the virgin mary statue. creeps.
shelley stops to give one of the guards a beej so that the others can escape.
such a nice whhoore.
she pushes the guard over and he smacks his head which knocks him out.
she runs but smashes herself into dr. arden.
the 3 escapees run out of the death chute into the rain and decide to go their separate ways..
which is the most smartest thing to do btw.
arden is trying to rape shelley but just as he goes to release his pee pee, shelley laughs and points and asks if he "was in some sort of accident?".
so...maybe he doesn't have a pee pee...maybe he has a vagina..
is he a hermy?
or maybe it got cut off or maybe it's just REAL small.
she laughs and he hits her on the head with something really hard that in all reality probably should have killed her.
out in the STAHM..
the escapees run into some body parts/monster/alien lunch..
so they scream and alert the monster/aliens and are chased back into the death chute.
they safely make it back to the movie.
meanwhile jude is upstairs taking a much needed nap what with the drinking and running into an alien with a vagina for a mouth.
eunice comes in to wake her up.
she goes back down to the movie room and tells everyone that because of the escapees- shelley, the mexican and pepper (??!?!) no more movies EVER!!!
then we see dr. arden and a drugged up shelley..
and her stumps.
bloody hot cross buns.
girls, let this be a lesson to you...this is what happens to whoores.
MAN this show is fucked up!!
why is dr. threadskin so nice to lana all the time?
is he in love with her? or is he an alien? is HE the lady skin peeler? or is he just doling out some serious LSD to everyone, including us?
what's up with dr. arden's pee pee?
does he have a wiener disease? a mangina?
wait...before you answer...let's get into this week's episode..
first of all let me say i think this episode was the best yet.
so many moments of DAFUQ-ness.
even if i saw much of it coming
i didn't care...
it was gooood.
well directed and well acted across the board.
we open thankfully NOT on maroon 5.1
instead on a rather soft and sweet looking sister jude walking down the hall in her best grandma shawl.
she's on her way to see the new girl...zooey desch a jane doe who cut up some guys in a bar for making jew jokes..
this girl does NOT play and i love her.
also it's lola from run lola run. double love.
jude asks her if she lost someone in the war and she starts whistling...dixie? i honestly have no clue what she whistles.
meanwhile shelley's skin is starting to look like something i once ordered at KFC..
she asks if she's going to die and arden tells her that after this shot to her eyeball she will probably live forever..
so he is making zombies essentially?
elsewhere kit and grace are talking about his nasty cut and how dr. arden gave it to him for not telling him where the space spider went...wait...it GOT AWAY?!?
grace shares her story as to why she's in briarcliff to begin with...
she claims that she got out of bed one night at the horse farm (her words)..
only to walk in on some dude chopping everyone into pieces..
some kind of bullshit about the young sister having an affair with the chopper and blaming grace so that they could get the farm?
sounded like a load of (horse) shit to me.
threadskin is telling lana that she doesn't belong in briarcliff...she's not crazy..she's just gay and all she needs is a little aversion/conversion. if she does his therapy he can un-gay her and ultimately get her out of briarcliff.
she's all... i was born this waaaay..
and in the common room..
lana tells jane doe that she better not write shit down...
jane doe just doesn't strike me as one who gives any fucks about what other people tell her to do.
and then in walks dr. arden...
she rises from her writing chair and saunters toward him as if no one is watching..
clearly she is drawn to him...
but how? why?
and just like that..she's all..."NAZI!!!! I KNOW YOU!! YOU'RE A NAZI MURDERER!! YOU WERE IN AUSCHWITZ!"
arden who is obviously a little panicked is like.."girl you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground". (paraphrasing)
she proceeds to beat him about his face..
screaming..."I KNOW WHO I AM!! I'M ANNE FRANK!!!"
anne motherfucking frank y'all!!
i don't know about you but i totally believe her.
i mean, right?
it could happen.
she is immediately taken to sister jude...
who is giving us her best doubter face over "anne's" story.
the truth is anne's story is pretty fucking not crazy sounding, at least from where we the audience are sitting.
i mean this girl sounds as crazy as victoria jackson sounds sane.
and in simultaneous story land...
threadskin is trying to convince kit that his story is bullshit and he really did murder those people.
kit is just confused.
back in anne frank story land..
she is describing to jude how arden aka grouper (why a fish name?) as he was known in auschwitz was super nice to all the children...
probably in the same way a child abductor/molester is nice to children.
also can we talk for a sec about how much that guy looked exactly like a young james cromwell?
anyway grouper would take them and then when he returned them they were all kinds of fucked up...
fucked up mentally, physically...sounds a lot like the jewish holocaust i've read about.
her story is scary and disturbing and it makes me want to rock myself to sleep in the corner with my thumb in my mouth.
I HATELOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she goes on to tell a GREAT story about her escape and her marriage to a US soldier and other factual sounding and interesting stuff.
sister jude is giving us more mrs. doubtface and then....
anne frank shows her prison tattoo..
shit just got real!
and once again for the cheap seats...
back in the common room lana is having an hallucination..
it's a lot like when i used to do my oscar speeches back in '82.
she is winning some kind of award for writing...her memoir? and in her speech she thanks all the people who made it all possible..
such as the poor bastard who masturbates non stop...
and bc 2 is better than 1...
his hand seriously moved so fast!!
it was mach masturbating.
lana couldn't get to threadskin's office fast enough to tell him she was in to start the aversion/conversion.
down in the bread making fantasy suite..
there is sex.
they get caught.
they are taken to jude's office where euni is picking out a cane with barbs for their punishment..
the guard enters to tell jude some detectives are there to ask arden some questions.
after grace leaves with the guard euni slaps grace's chart in front of kit..
she really DID kill her parents.
jude goes into arden's office where the detectives are...
and it's jim carrey and that other guy that always plays a cop.
they are there bc last week's euni look-a-like hooker got away and told police that she found some incriminating evidence in dr. arden's office...
arden gives his best not guilty stare.
the detectives go on to list creepy pictures of women and NAZI MEMORABILIA!!!
so that anne frank lady was full of the truth after all.
but wait! that's not all..
just after arden leaves the room the detectives explain to jude they are homicide detectives and she's all...homicide??
and the guy that always plays a cop goes.."does the gas station attendant (he means kit) seem like the kind of guy that could precision cut the skin off a lady?"
and jim carrey goes..
"and her head? well allllrighty then".
meanwhile in aversion/conversion therapy..
or as i like to call it..
"oh no they didn't!"
lana is doing her best to puke away the gay..
so the way it works is you take pictures of sexy ladies and show them to a lesbian while you are filling her veins with some kind of drug that makes her really nauseous so that when in that lesbian's real life she gets it on with her lady she will want to puke all over her instead...
and makes SOOO much sense.
and then that sneaky bastard threadskin shows a picture of lana's real lady, wendy..
the look on lana's face when she asks him where she got it gave me the SUPERsads.
just after a few rounds of aversion comes MY personal favorite..
where a man (maybe?) comes in and shows his ding dong in the hopes lana will get turned on..
i mean really.
not even on my drunkest night....with that pattinson boy...could i get aroused in front of a creepnerd psychiatrist next to my bucket of puke.
but threadskin AND lana are determined to give it their all..
lana is instructed to touch herself while she touches the man model peen at the same time.
she ends the therapy with more puking.
elsewhere...sister jude can't get to monsignor hotness fast enough to tell him about arden and his hooker..
but then she's all..
no... wait..also he's a nazi!
and he's all...
but he turns the tables on her and is like..YOU WERE DRUNK!
which makes her do this..
meanwhile down in the bakery dr. arden is glazing his hot cross knees...
and he gets a phone call...
we all saw this one coming..
it's none other than father monsignor.
telling arden that "they're on to him"..
giving us his best goebbels.
there is a jude confession..
and a grace confession...
kit tells her he knows she lied about killing her parents..
so this time she tells him the REAL truth..
she killed them bc her father molested her.
back in the common room..
threadskin comes in an apologizes for the aversion/conversion crap..he never really believed in it anyway..
he promises to get her out at the end of the week.
hmmph..yeah...we'll see... is my response to that.
down in jude's office..
kit is still confused.
he wants her to help him find god bc he must have killed those women even though he doesn't rememeber doing it bc aliens don't exist at which point jude gives a flinch bc then what was that thing with the vagina mouth that she ran into last week?
she really feels for him though bc he seems like a nice kid who made a mistake..
not a running over a girl with a car mistake...but a mistake none the less.
meanwhile arden has anne frank down in his surgical chamber of horrors..
he's about to show her what goes on down there when she pulls out a gun..
shes distracted by a noise coming from the nearby closet and she pulls the trigger..
the bullet lands in arden's knee..
she gets the keys to the closet
opens the door
total DAFUQ-ness, right?
so..is arden creating zombies?
is that what shelley and all those mutants are out there?
is that what bloody face is?
all a bunch of B movie zombies?
who's with me on the LSD train?
i still think that has got to play some part...
i have heard there are like 8 more episodes so that's a lot of story..