i can say for the first time while watching this show i was physically uneasy.
my heart was racing and i was sweating.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
a solid 6 out of 6 TFIS/TFWT's...
we start things off in a great place...jude is visiting jewish mr. magoo...
i'm down with mr. magoostein.
he hunts nazis in a series of comical situations as a result of his nearsightedness compounded by his stubborn
refusal to admit the problem. however, through uncanny streaks of luck, the situation always seems to work
itself out for him, leaving him no worse than before.
nothing scary about that..
but then magooberg starts in about the SS and well...there's nothing funny about that.
he basically tells sister jude that she might want to stay away from dr. dickhead and pretend like nothing is suspicious.
despite all of us now DYING to see the scene where dr. dickhead removes his shirt to reveal that blood type tatoo on his bicep.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S THERE!
cut to dr. arden being led to jude's office with a bloody knee and anne frank behind him with a gun..
sister eunice is looking through jude's desk..probably not for her ravishing red lipstick...
but someone else has a gun..
the muscle behind briarcliff....
he will blow your gawddam brains out.
later, anne is waking from sedation wearing her "crazy jammies"
...jude is questioning her about what she saw.
jude wants so badly to believe arden is who she says he is.
we all do jude...we all do.
she tells jude to look in his lab..
which she does..
she finds nothing.
and here's where it all started..
my perpetual side-eye and subsequent poopy pants.
so this handsome fella...claaaims to be anne's husband only her name is charlotte or some such fuckery.
i don't know about you but for like .0001 seconds i believed this guy..
but then i was all..
and then they started in with the Truman Show type clips..
and my smarts kicked in..
so here's this handsome guy...ACTOR...who is playing the part of anne frank's husband and she is being brainwashed.
they are filming her for research.
she is MOST DEFINTELY anne frank y'all.
the government is trying to erase her memory.
who's with me?
once anne sees her "husband"..
she's like...F you pal.
there are brain zap type memory flashes and i'm like..
the government are a bunch of assholes!
she is anne frank!!
and the government is a dick.
(can you tell i totally want her to be anne frank?)
meanwhile in castration nation..
grace and kit are angsty about never having babies or something.
grace freaks out, passes out and is awakened by some real bright light...
in the common room (domineekaneekaneek)...
threadskin (shudder) tells lana that she better get her shit packed and meet him under the stairs at 6:00.
don't be late! (for your de-skinning!)
threadskin gets kit to confess ON TAPE to the murder of his wife and all those other ladies.
grace, covered in KY, has been transported to alien land and sees alma who is pregnant.
there is cutting.
back on earth..
dr. dickface is telling jude she is over.
also there is fire.
euni is helping arden with his ouchy.
she tells him how she got rid of shelley..by dragging her down the hall..
and to a school yard apparently...
over here there was an inappropriate amount of laughter.
because as gross as that shit was..it was EXTRAORDINARLY funny to me.
don't read that wrong though..
that's usually what happens when something is so disturbing that i can't act like a normal human and avert my eyes or change the channel.
i just continue to watch and laugh.
so anne apparently tried to smother her actor baby.
to which they promptly brought her back to b-cliff.
arden and his horse head cane are smug about it.
he tells her actor husband that he can fix all her problems by shanking a hole in her head like a caveman writes a memo.
threadskin and lana safely make it past the guards..
frank enters to inform jude that lana has most definitely escaped...
jude cries a little bit over her childhood and a dead squirrel.
jessica lange wins another emmy.
(seriously i watched this scene three times)
since jude's goose is cooked at briacliff she decides to get her other goose cooked.
(her vagina is the goose and 'cooked' means sex)
meanwhile in a mid century lair...
lana enters with THREAD-SKIN (!!!!)
she looks around..noticing all the (amazing) furniture and how clean and pretty and totally fucking creepy everything is..
like this lampshade...with nipples.
and this bowl...that is really a hollowed out skull...(talk about upcycling)...
yeah..so like how scared were you during this whole scene?
this is when i gave in and went and put on one of fiona's baby alive diapers.
so well written and acted.
i mean you pretty much knew that threadskin was up to something and you were HOPING that he was maaaybe going to slip her some drugs and watch her while she slept and maybe touch her on her privates because as fucked up as that is it is not NEARLY as fucked up as what's coming...
so she wanders down the (amazing rosewood) hall into a closet that is not the bathroom ..
she asks if he builds furniture..
"i make the shades"
"what material do you use?"
and then SLLLLUUUOORRRPPP...
sucked down through a trap door.
(is that human bacon on the table?)
back at b-cliff...
"don't mind me i was probably just impregnated by aliens...see..look..."
so the aliens took this castration as an opportunity to do some probing.
no one would be the wiser.
aliens are smart.
grace tells kit that she saw alma..and that he was right...about all of it...
as he's being pulled away by jim carrey and that guy that always plays a cop.
because threadskin had kit confess to the murders of those women and that means threadskin is home free..
free to make more lamps.
meanwhile back in the well appointed dungeon..
lana wakes up with shackles around one of her ankles and notices a body lying near her..
she'd recognize that back and short, shaggy lesbo 'do anywhere...
it's her wendy!
of course wendy is dead and iced down like she had just been carved out of a crevasse.
and then threadskin walks in in what i can only assume is his carving outfit..
denim shirt buttoned up to his neck..
apron with overcoat..
perfectly brylcreemed hair.
he tells lana why he's kept wendy frozen..
that under normal (?!) circumstances he would have already peeled off her skin and cut off her head..
but he wants to see the lovers kiss on the mouth.
and god knows what else..
it is at this point that if you weren't already clear he reveals that he is indeed...
he tells lana not to worry though, wendy won't bite.
because he took her teeth out as he taps against the teeth on the mask.
lana acts accordingly.
sister jude does the walk of shame.
and anne franka is freshly lobotomized and "happy"...
she tells her actor husband and her actor baby that they can throw away her nazi craft project..
she doesn't think it will sell on etsy anyway.
and we are left with this image...
hitler and his sidekick hans grouperfish aka dr. arden.
this was a game changer, no?
this whole episode had me on the edge of my seat and swimming in my own feces.
i mean..i knew it was coming..that threadskin was not REALLY going to just save lana..but not to what extent.
and let's just pause for a minute over my silly name chaning ways.
his real character name is THREDSON.
i called him THREAD-SKIN.
for no other reason than i just like to change names to something far more juvenile and stupid.
I MEAN HE THREADS SKIN FOR CHRISSAKE!
anyway..i predict that threadskin is going to only partially take lana apart..leaving her horribly maimed but still able to write a book telling his story.
this will most certainly play homage to the movie misery with kathy bates.
interesting fact of the day..
did you know that james cromwell is 6'7 and a vegetarian?
thoughts? predictions? confused?
i am spent.
having to watch this show twice and talk about it and relive it was not my most favorite moment in life.
i am glad it's over.