how are you all doing?
i tweeted that i was setting up a hug station at my house.
i wasn't kidding.
i feel like hugs might just be the answer.
for some of us anyway.
facebook sucks a dick right?
i mean how many arguments on gun control vs. mental health awareness can one get into?
evidently a lot.
the truth of it all for me is i am trying hard to not think about it.
it has helped.
until last night.
last night i had this awful sinking feeling.
i couldn't get to sleep.
it was hard for me to close my brain off to imagined details.
i haven't watched one second of news, so the "details" are indeed imagined.
i watched the president's speech for 3 minutes and shut it off.
so why couldn't i sleep?
i slept fine friday and saturday night..why not sunday?
and then it hit me.
i had to send fiona to school in the morning.
panic set in.
i kept thinking about the moms and dads who hugged their tiny kindergartners goodbye that morning and will never be able to hug them again.
i imagined details like fuzzy sweaters and mismatched socks.
it hurt me. it's killing me.
that one moment they shared that morning will forever be their last moment on earth together.
literally saying goodbye.
and so i am terrified to send her to school today.
and fuck everything that is holy that i have to, that WE mothers have to feel this one more shred of fear and worry in our already MILE HIGH LIST OF WORRIES THAT GOES ROUND AND ROUND OUR HEADS!
FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU!
and sorry for bringing this up again.
i'm sure many of you are here for a comical respite to your own fears and worries.
but i am so sad and scared.
i am trying to visualize myself as a glowing orb of positivism and i am upping my chakra yoga practice...
but jesus...it's hard as a mom to deal with this.
in fact i think this may just be my 9-11.
back in sept. 2001 i was too immature and fancy free to really feel that sinking fear of everything.
when you're young you have an invincible quality that wanes markedly the older you get.
this is my 9-11.
this is causing straight up depression.
as i know 9-11 did for so many.
but i will be ok.
because i am not a victim.
and i HATE to say this but i think this is one of those tragic events that will bring on massive, much needed change in this country.
it might happen quickly and it might happen slowly.
but it will happen. and because of it lives will be saved.
so yes, sometimes something horrid has to happen in order for real change to occur.
i will never say i am thankful for this but i will say that i am hopeful that good will come out of it.
we are a divided country.
it was hilariously notable during this year's election.
and i am seeing how divided we are again.
so many of you are taking the stance that we need MORE guns.
arm up!! arm yourselves.
fight violence with violence.
give those teachers guns!
i stand clearly and wholly that this is the OPPOSITE of what we need to do.
as moms we have to work harder to protect our children, but not with guns.
this is sending a retarded message.
we have to sign petitions, we have to be on our game.
we have to research our options.
we have to vote for the right person who has our children's best interest in mind.
we have to seriously vote for better health care in this country.
we have to recognize mental illness as something that can be treated.
but we also cannot abuse mental health drugs and give them to everyone who is sad or lost or has severe hormonal imbalance.
this can often be the cause of BIGGER mental illness.
i am making changes around here, in my own house for starters.
i am going to pay closer attention to what fiona watches.
i mean, yes, fiona is still into care bears and fairies but i am going to make sure those care bears are hugging each other not blowing each other up.
you'd be surprised at what is in cartoons these days.
and i am going to make better efforts at being a peaceful mom.
these changes are small.
but i think it is exactly where we need to start.
children are more despondent and confused about things than we ever were.
they have a bigger span of awareness than we ever did.
and there is more stuff circling their brains than ever was for us.
people talk about how things were when they were young and treating problems the way they were treated "back then"..
but so much has changed.
we have to keep up with these changes and we have to respect that our approach to treating things has to change too.
the world is a much much heavier place with many more issues to take in and process.
i think we need to drop any agenda we may have and come together to protect the innocents of this world no matter what.
that doesn't mean to hide them from the truth or shelter them from all things uncomfortable.
why, that makes our job too easy.
nope...it will be inherently harder for us as parents to make this happen.
but we have to understand that stepping up and making changes for our children's future is the most important thing we can do as parents apart from loving them unconditionally.
we need to be smarter.
we need to wake up.
we need to change just about everything.
this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.
the hap happiest season of aalllllllll.....
so in the spirit of the holidays i have a special present to give one of you lucky sons of bitches.
come back tomorrow for ZERO discussion on this matter and only amazing presents that i picked out with my bare hands and paid for with my own money to give to you.
it is my way of saying i love you all so very much.
i am happy to have this place in the world to say what's on my mind and bring a smile to your face (maybe).
see you all tomorrow.
if you have children and want to talk to them about this- here is a great article about how to do so.
also mr. rogers is in it.