come to jesus (*UPDATES)

i sat here staring at my screen for 20 minutes.

thinking about how to say what i have to say and debating whether or not i should say anything.

but the truth is i have to say.

bc you guys are my internet life.

but beyond that anytime i post personal things you guys always come through with helpful comments and kind words.

so i suppose at the end of the day that is why i am telling you.

well, that and the fact that i haven't even begun a downton recap bc i have had so much on my mind and very little space for humor these past few days..




back at the beginning of the month when i scheduled the gastro appointment i also scheduled a gyno appointment.

it was time and i know that sometimes gastro issues can be caused by scary lady cancer things.

well, the good news is my gastro issues have almost completely gone away since cutting gluten from my diet.

i still get the occasional bout with poop/no poop/poop/no poop.

but over all...a marked improvement.

the bad news is the gyno found some abnormalities.

specifically glandular abnormalities.

now, for those that don't know much about your pap smear results (don't worry i didn't either)

usually what comes back to the doctor is either going to be nothing wrong (or no abnormalities present),

low grade abnormalities, high grade abnormalities or glandular abnormalities.

none of these mean you have cancer.

just that further testing is required. 

unfortunately the glandular abnormalities are the rarest kind.

and that means that average gynos don't have a lot of know how when dealing with them.

and some say that seeing a gyno oncologist is best even if your biopsies come back negative.

you see most abnormal paps mean you have hpv (i don't) or pre cancerous cells on the cervix.

glandular abnormalities are further inside.

up in the cervical canal.

or into the uterus.

they point to uterine cancer as well as cervical cancer (it's like double your chances).

 the glandular cells are harder to see and harder to diagnose.


what happens next for me is a biopsy (3 in fact) all up inside my baby maker.

that happens on the 27th.


when the results come back (i will need a shipment of xanax from all you pharmacists out there reading)

depending on the nature, i will either be in the clear..

as in no cancerous cells just inflammation and/or an infection..

fine gimme some antibiotics and i will never ever ever ver evervbevrvervevrevr skip a fucking gyno appointment again!!!

or i will have some level of cancerous cells..

ok, laser cone that shit out immediately and never ever ever ever evrevroierbwebwehfevererererere skip a gyno appointment again!!!

or i will have full blown cancer and i will have to have a hysterectomy.

so worst case scenario sucks ding dong but it's not a death sentence, i know that...

but it's still scary as balls anytime cancer is uttered in regards to your person.




back in 1998 i had surgery to remove pre cancerous cells and i was told it happens to so many and nothing to worry about.  it was scary but being so young i felt pretty invincible and when you are young you are a total asshole about shit like that.  

well this time the doctor was a little more serious about it.

a private office visit serious.

with pictures and diagrams and shit.

and words like "this is rare" and "it could be" and "if it is you will be referred to an ONCOLOGIST".

which means cancer doctor and cancer is scary as fuck ya'll.

now before i go scaring myself again..

she also said that in her 22 years it's almost never advanced and it is totally catchable.

and she even held up her fingers in the shape of a 'zero' as in the chances were almost zero.

bc i am not post menopausal and i am not bleeding between periods.

i guess those are the common threads to having advanced cancerous cells.

but still, almost never is not never.

and there's that little tiny chance that even the most optimistic person (which is not me i assure you) cannot ignore completely.




so now on to the super shitty part of this story.

bc yes, it gets worse.


i don't have insurance.

a pre- existing diabetic doesn't get much love in this country.

before mike and i went into business for ourselves mike worked a corporate job that was killing him on the inside.

but we had great insurance.

he got fired, thankfully bc now he is doing what he loves.

but we lost our insurance.

so these procedures are going to be expensive.

god willing there will only be the biopsy ( a few hundred) and the lab (a few thousand).

but if i need more surgery to remove cells i have no idea what a person paying out of pocket will have to pay for that.

so...if you have ever considered buying a painting from me, or ad space or  to e-decorate a room for you please consider it harder.




i needed to get that off my chest.

thank you for listening. 

have any of you had a similar situation?

tell me your story..

and if any of you are due for a pap smear but are too lazy to go...don't be an asshole.

especially if you have insurance. 



gluten free and cancer free farts,


***UPDATES- i can't even begin to tell you in words just how i feel about all of this love and support.

i will try in a bit.

for now many of you have asked about the paypal button on the side of my blog.

it works you just have to go through the paypal site for sending money online.

it's still super easy.

my account # is my email address: cleeclacker at gmail dot com.

no words people no words.

thank you for now.