downton abbey: the english patient. just kidding he's canadian!

canadian bacon.

oooooo BURN!

i mean, ouch that hurt.

not as bad as your burnt skin, pee gordon.

would you like some fava beans and chianti with that face?




thank you i'm here all week.






the war is over!!



 this episode gave us a maybe matthew boner but a for sure freedom boner.



it's business as usual for matthew and his personal nurse mary.. 

if you're not careful mary you'll get arms like jack johnson. 


while matthew is out for his daily roll across the grass.. 

sir richard is talkin about his giant dick house, haxby park.

he's like..i got some money too, granthams!  i will out house you.

he totally does btw.


daisy's still upset over william's death her false heart.

so then she must feel like a giant asshole for wearing a black band that a war widdow wears, huh?


i'll wait while you go get a tissue.



over in the dowager countess's favorite discussion room..

 cousin isobel is just being her old insufferable self.  

she wants to keep downton up as england's most awesome retched refugee refuge.. 


 cora and the dowager are like..whaaa?? thanks.

if there's one thing these 2 have in common it's a whole lot of love for easy livin'.




uh oh..

that hand looks scary!

and the music is so mysterious!


who's hand is that you ask?

well, it's not hannibal lecter's maybe.

it's certainly not ralph fiennes probably.

well then who is it?



 no fucking idea.

but he thinks he's patrick crawley, the rightful heir of downton.

 but since his face is made of cheese, and the real patrick crawley is english and this guy is canadian, well, 

no one can be sure.


edith at first can barely look at his cheese face.

and she's seen a lot of war cheese.




sir richard aims to pilfer mary's favorite servant, carson..

i'm not really sure why.

but there it is...

(those eyebrows are ridiculous!


 lord grantham and jane the maid are gonna make out probably..


 sexy glance.




thomas is made entirely out of cigarettes and old edwardian pomade. 

 smoky smirk #1..


haxby park and it's 4 million acres of LAND.


 if mary seems excited it's because she can hide and not be found for days in this house.



meanwhile lord grantham is eating alone.

he appears to be eating dessert.

which in my opinion is the only way to eat dessert.

no one needs to see me eat an entire box of girl scout cookies.

anyway..this must be symbolic, right?

LG alone, being served drippy, red, saucy goo over white clouds of meringue?

that's supposed to forshadow sex right?




later pee gordon tells edith he is not patrick gordon but patrick crawley

the same patrick crawley that floated away on an iceberg after the titanic hit it.

landing in canada, obvs.

yeah right.

who does this guy think he's fooling?

oh.  right.


bless her heart.

she'll do anything for a piece.




 there is no driver in all of england more dedicated to someone else's car than branson.

another garage scene where branson wonders when sybil will be his girl.

god. never i hope! 

branson sucks!




outside in the shaddows..

thomas and o'brien are up to no good and a lot of cancer.


seriously..i have no idea what they are talking about 99% of the time.



edith comes in to tell papa about her new boyfriend..


and papa goes to investigate..


LG admits his story is pretty accurate..


but then pee calls him "robert".



and then, as if things couldn't get any weirder.

pee totally gives himself a dirty sanchez.



over in the discussion room..

the dowager builds something out of scaffolds.

or she tells a tower of lies to cousin isobel in the hopes she will get the fuck out of downton forever.



 edith takes a walk with pee in her best sweater robe..

pee brings out the heavy ammo with crazily accurate tales of frauline kelda and running around in this here garden.




after that dreadful dirty sanchez lord grantham decides a family meeting is in order to tell everyone

that cousin patrick might be alive and back to claim the throne..




 mary cannot believe that edith is falling for this imposter's bag of tricks..


while matthew is just one streak of guyliner away from full on goth-strength bitterness over his bum legs and weiner and pee gordon's ability to walk around and put babies in mary.



meanwhile in the saddest room in the world..

don't be slutty.


and over in the happiest room in the world..

see you later cousin isobel.


that is what a high five with your eyes looks like.



speaking of eyes..

bates has a hurty on his eye.


lurky mcbangs. 




at dinner sir richard shows up (late) with lavinia in the hopes of distracting matthew and mary from one another (IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!).. 


the fuck is she doing here?



and in the most uncomfortable scene of the evening..

sir richard threatens his bride-to-be to never cross him or undermine him or look at him sideways.


sealing it ever so romantically with a kiss..

supergross times a million billion trillion kajillion.



edith receives a letter from pee gordon...

"dear edith, just kidding. see you never.  love, pee."



the house gathers for end of the war silence..



bates wheels matthew off when...


wait a sec...


was that...?

i think my dick just moved!! 


or maybe it was his leg. 

but i am sticking with dick.



carson decides he needs to go with mary. 




and mrs. bates is dead.



talk it out.


did you believe pee gordon?

i have to say the first time i watched it i did believe him.

however the second time i watched i saw right through his story.



before you view this week's videos you need to know that i was rocking a 100.5 degree fever in them and had no time for make up or even locating my dowager hat of power.


these were my two favorite dowager parts..

the first one is between cora and the dowager.

it is very multiple personality disorder if you didn't know any better.








pee (gordon) streams,