yesterday i won at life

you know when you are doing parenting and you are at that moment when you can either take the high road and win or take the low road and fuck your kid up forever?

i usually take the latter but yesterday

yesterday...i took the former.

and since i am the worst (best) oversharer in the world...

here you go!

 

 

a little back story..

fiona is spoiled and therefore a brat.

yes it's totally our fault...she is an only child and it's hard to not spoil your kid to some degree when they are an only.

she isn't necessarily spoiled of things...per se..(she totally is)

more like..

over protected

over praised 

and the REAL problem- failure to discipline..

with a side of terrible follow through and consistency.

 

i have read that these are common problems with parents of only children parents.

and then add the fact that fiona is a genius and olympic-gold-medal-stubborn and you have season finale of supernanny meets the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER when she doesn't get her way.

most of the time i start out in the right place to parent well..

but she has learned to outsmart me...or just break me so that i am so tired or done with the issue at hand that i either yell louder, spank harder or start behaving like her rather than her parent.

none of which i am proud of.

 

 

but now i have a secret weapon...

my iphone camera.

 

for some reason she won't go full throttle meltdown when the camera is on her.

and i am kept in check with my anger knowing that it is on display (on display) for the whole world to see.

it's slightly dirty i know, don't judge.

 

so yesterday she made a mess in the dining room and i asked her to pick it up.

usually i just do it for her because i KNOW it will end up in a knock down-drag out fight. 

this way is easier (operative word) and i can get on with the rest of my day rather than waste an entire hour (prime housewives watching time) fighting over something that i KNOW i could do in 4 seconds.

this is bad.

bad parenting.

 

 i thought it was important to show the internet the right way to parent, and...

well...i so rarely get it right.

 

here you go dad world!

 

 

rule #1..

don't buy the bullshit excuses...

 

 

 

rule #2...

don't change your tune.

 

(notice how once she sees that i am filming her she smiles and acts goofy...

let it be known that if the camera weren't on her there would have been no smiles and zero goofiness)

 

 

 

now she is crazy pissed.

she fully expects me to clean it up for her..

which brings us to 

 

rule #3...

no matter how crazy pissed she gets....keep calm and carry the fuck on..

 (feel free to skip to 2:48 the first 2 minutes are just her screaming at me from the other room)

 

see there? 

that was what you call progress.

 

notice next how she actually hides one of the hangers so that i have to participate in this clean up somehow..

 

rule #3..

you are the honey badger...you don't give a shit.

the lies have no power here.

 

 

and finally..

after taking all the stuff to her room she still tries to get me to find that GD hanger that she hid.

 

but by some act of god the tornado warning siren goes off and i use it as a scare tactic.

obviously i know there isn't a tornado.

it's just a test.

but i use it to my advantage..

notice how she "finds" the hanger after the threat of a tornado presents itself..

thank you tornado siren gods. 

 

 

several months ago a young woman (childless) at a party asked the room of women, "would you ever lie to your child?" 

100% of the women with children emphatically agreed that lying to your kids is a necessity sometimes.

she was horrified. 

i laughed in her face and called her a rookie.

 

 

so it would seem that whenever i use a firm voice but not a yelling one..

i win.

whenever i keep my cool and stick to the matter at hand...

i win.

 

and if a built in rescue boat in the shape of a tornado siren presents itself...

by all means..USE IT!

 

and not for nothing...but after this little battle that i clearly won..

she was actually respectful for the rest of the day.

as in "please" and "thank you" for EVERYTHING!!!

and...gulp..she did what i asked her...like all the time.

 

total life win.

 

happy parenting.