the beach condo...let's talk about it.

  hello from the south carolina flood lands.

the sun said ha ha fuck you i'm outta here..

so i have had some time to hang out in my hasn't-been-updated-since-1992-condo a lot.


let's talk about the beach condo for a second.

why are they so ugly?

why is every wall painted egg yolk yellow?

or the color of sand (i.e. beige)?

or "sky" blue?

yeah,  i GET it...bc we're at the beach.


 and if they aren't those colors they are those bright yet unsophisticated shades of the carribbean..

i.e. child vomit peach,



neon yellow with a wave pattern stenciled as a border.

or worse!!  painted freehand!



and carpet?

why with the carpet?

carpet is scary when it's in a condo that thousands of people walk on and probably pee on over the years.


if i had my own condo i would keep it really simple.

sturdy, indestructible fabrics and finishes.





simple, well made pieces of furniture that i could paint.

inexpensive, colorful posters framed.

super good looking.





so cute.

throw in a few more slip covered slouchy chairs for gathering round the flat screen on rainy days and it's all this room needs.


i think if you have a rental condo that people use besides you you need to keep it simple.

(seriously there's a 3 foot tall cement cherub in here. right next to a fake plant.)

white walls, wood floors or if it's possible polished concrete is major!

throw some cowhides all over the floors and/or some jute or sea grass.

seriously folks in case you haven't caught on cowhides are the cockroaches of rugs.

they can't be stopped in terms of durability.


but perhaps more important than the superficial looks of a rental condo are the amenities...and keeping shit clean.

i don't want a toilet rug anywhere near my feet when i am peeing.

that thing is so super gross i have been tempted to throw it in the trash.

also, and this might be weird to some, but have a stash of lower watt light bulbs handy so that i can change the face melting 75 watt bulb you have in the bedroom to a 25 watt bulb.

and do we need SIX 75 watt bulbs in the bathroom?

that's 450 watts of surface-of-the-sun type light.

when i get up to pee in the middle of the night and turn on the light you have now successfully woken me up completely.


it might be nice to keep a few cleaning products around too bc the cleaning crew you have coming to clean is only changing the trash and making the beds, FYI.

i still have to clean my husband's pee off the bathroom floor every day so that i don't step in it.

and i don't need to see pictures of your kids and grandma next to the fake plants.

keep that shit at home or lock it up for when YOU come and then you can take it out and look at it to your heart's content.

 and you should some point some sick fuck is going to jizz all over their faces.

just sayin.

it could happen.


when it comes to decor...less is more in a rental...but you can't have too many useful kitchen supplies.

here are some things i think every rental must have in the kitchen but are so often never there..

1. a salad spinner.

2. a set of steak knives that my 7 year old can't bend in half.

3. a large colander.

4. no less than 3 types of skillets.

- a large non stick.

- a grill pan.

- a saute pan.

5. a decent chef's knife.

6. something to make brownies in. (DUUUUHHHHH) 


i have always wanted to decorate a vacation rental.

i would pay attention to so many details.

a cabin in the mountains, a beach house, a lake name it.

the bottom line is you would be pumped to stay in one of my rentals.


ok, spill it...what are your vacation rental do's and don'ts?



sandy butt farts,