DOWNTON RECAP 3/3 in your face and with more stupid than EVER BEFORE!

 it's edith's big day you guys!!

and no one is more excited than edith...

(no, really..NO ONE is exited but edith. even the house is groaning.)


is all that for ME?!


it's all just too good to be truuuue!!!!

it's like a dream wrapped up inside of a BETTER DREAM!





even her mom is throwing shade. 


LIFE is throwing shade at edith, and HARD.

it's like a total eclipse of her heart at all times.




still no word about cancer.

even if mrs. hughes doesn't have cancer (she doesn't SPOILER ALERT!)

that actress might have some cancer. seriously. she looks terrible. 



thomas uses molesley in his plan to take miss obrien down.

poor molesley.

molesley is the downstairs version of edith.


if this were a britcom mr. molesley would be the star.. 

only it'd be called

tiny mr. molesley!

the story of an all too eager footman in 1920's england who can't catch a break!

because he's the size of a peanut.

because britcoms are weird.

no, really...have you ever actually watched one?

so weird.




looks like everyone has come to terms with selling downton..


lord grantham tells cora that it will probably be advertised as: a desirable nobleman's mansion with surrounding estate and properties.

what a terrible sounding listing.


 i have some better ideas.

how about..


-a mansion that's more like a castle with a unicorn stable for dogs and/or unicorns.


-mrs. crawley's house for wayward hookers.

(plenty of room for A LOT of hookers and secret hideouts for their johns and/or hobbits)


- a modern day mansion with an upstairs and a downstairs.  

it's also gay.  

this house is gay.

and by gay i mean AWESOME! 



uh oh...look who showed up to judge everyone.

p.s. he's always so drunk.

what do YOU care about it branson?

his suits are getting better.


lord G tells everyone about his other house, downton place up in some place i couldn't understand bc i don't speak england. 



molesley tells cora that obrien is leaving but he has someone in mind for her replacement.

a nice, bald woman named molesley.




on a walk, carson tries to sneak some information out of dr. clarkson about mrs. hughes.

if THIS were a britcom it would be called-

The Doctor and The Butler without Necks.

 the story of a doctor and a butler who do stuff in the village minus necks.




 matthew still hasn't gotten over himself enough to take the lavinia money and save his wife's house.

even after a letter comes telling him that it would be super okay to take it.

matthew is the worst.

matthew is like a pube that gets stuck in the elastic of your underwear. 



mary might die over all of it.

but she'll more than likely die bc she doesn't eat food.  

don't get too close, her clavicle will stab you.





carson pulls a fast one on mrs. patmore. 

he is stopping at nothing to find out if mrs. hughes has cancer.

including pulling fast ones.  





the men of downton gather round a table and talk about having sex with the ladies.. 

then they high 5 their boners together in a 4 way boner high 5.



sir anthony stays back to talk to his new dad..


i'm happy your happy to be happy that edith is happy.


translation: don't marry edith


i see.

they high 5 again.  this time with hands.  



are you tired....from your cancer???????? 

he's really just not even trying anymore. 


 and over at the ungrateful hooker house..

cousin isobel teaches life skills like sewing.. and hopefully hair brushing.


then ethel shows up ..


and then leaves again.




matthew and mr. chalk'um (again, i don't speak england)  are discussing some important matters when mary reminds matthew of the picnic to their new house.



carson asks cora if it would be ok to lighten mrs. hughes' workload.

cora agrees. 

because cora is super easy going.

(see- losing your money and your house to some bad investing by your husband)



 yay cars!!




over at prison..

someone tells bates that he needs to check under his bed for something.

and i don't think it's bed bugs.

although i am sure those are probably there too.




anna is visiting vera's one and only friend mrs. bartlett (pear) who says a whole lot of spooky shit about some stuff.




 picnic whites.



downton place..

 it's so ugly. and small!

 how will they ever live here?



 granny will open a shop called quality quidditch supplies.




 edith is fine with some chump village priest marrying them.

saying.."i'd just like to get married as soon as possible because look how worried my fiance looks. all. the. time."


matthew- if i take the money i will not feel good about myself.  you must understand.

mary- i don't.




 bates finds some weed in his bed.

i hope he smokes the shit out of it.



molesley tries to talk to o'brien about why she's leaving downton..

o'brien acts like she has no idea what he's talking about bc he's a peanut.

 this only adds to her anger.



daisy says something almost unintelligible.

i do my best to recreate it for you...





cora tells o'brien she must've said something to molesley for him to have said that..

o'brien says this..





cora tells mrs. H that she can die at downton..

but she means downton place.


(actually this whole exchange had me in tears) 


 edith is so happy because she's getting married and going to florence and venice and all the places!!

just like a girl would who was totally getting married and not about to be jilted. 


 the dowager zings...



(there goes this entire blog then) 



you didn't mean it. besides peanuts are notoriously not smart.



dear matthew-

please enjoy all of my money.  is it someone's birthday? great! then buy them something nice.

like your she going to lose her house?

then AWESOME! this money's for you then.

you should give some of it to her and then maybe take some of it to the poor along with some food if you have it.  

hey, remember when your legs couldn't walk?

me too!

that was terrible.  take this money.


the swire's.




mary asks the servants if anyone mailed a letter from lavinia... 

because that would mean that lavinia gave matthew her blessing. 

 yep. that was daisy!


which if this were an 80's britcom it would be called-


the story of a simple kitchen maid in 1920's england who unsuspectingly does good by breaking the rules!


you're welcome spin-off writers.



  the dowager and robert are talking before edith's wedding...



carson is an animal!!



 yay!  you can keep the money!

if you don't i will beat you about your head.



hey. physical abuse is not cool.

no really, that is some fucked up shit for you to say.

i am giving you like 200,000 dollars to save this house and your sweet ass life.

so don't say you will hit me, ok?

bc that's lame as fuck mary.




 everyone is so happy for edith.

especially edith.


uh oh. strallan side eye. 

also he's got serial killer eyes.

seriously has anyone checked into that?

no really, do a background check someone.  please.



sir anthony changes his mind.



fucking hell! 

poor edith.

it's really all i can say.

other than...


if this were an 80's britcom it would be called

The Trouble with Edith :(

the story of an ugly duckling who ju would be off the air because it's too fucking sad.




the saddest fucking sad day of sadness!



i mean this is like sad times infinity.

this is like if sad swallowed sad and then threw up chunks of sadness.



 that veil is a symbol of sad.

that veil is so sad it called up her ex-boyfriend just to get some more abuse and then got hit so hard in the face with an elbow that was NOT an accident and then ate an entire box of chocolates and then drowned in her own chocolate vomit sadness.



cry it out edith.

it's good to cry.  to release the pain that you feel.

sometimes if you cry extra hard your tears turn to pretty colors.

and those colors are like your dreams and your dreams are all you have.

because you're edith.


blah blah cora mumbles something about edith being tested..

we know why this really happened..


 because she's edith.



 yay!  let's be co-masters.

let's get some tigers and take this shit to vegas!



downstairs anna and daisy prepare to take the wedding food to the poor..

 also there's an alien on the table... 



 dinner is really quiet and sad.


there is talk about taking all the delicious food to the poor..

the dowager is like.. about giving me the food instead?


old people can eat like, freakishly large amounts of food.


(i love old people who eat tons of food)



edith decides she's cool with being a spinster.



mrs. hughes leaves to see the dr... 



her boyfriend checks his watch.

so sweet.



thomas asks o'brien how she's doing..

and she goes and gets all mrs. danvers on us.



p.s. if you don't know who mrs. danvers is then you need to stop watching glee and castle and other terrible shows that suck.  and go netflix that shit. 



i can't even type words about this whole scene because it's just too sweet and i am trying not to cry but there is a HUGE lump in my throat.

a benign lump of sweetness and sadness.

a sweet sad lump of joy.



it's like that.


it's like this...

yes.  this is what my face looked like at that exact same moment in time.

like my heart would just burst.



your thoughts?


i made some daisy out takes for you bc her accent is HARD to get right.

believe me, i tried.

as is evidenced here: