DOWNTON ABBEY recap 3/5 : more like cryton abbey





well fuck.

i mean superfuck.

i mean let's gather all the fucks there are and put them in a basket and then set that basket on fire and stick it right in our butts.


how am i gonna recap this without feeling like a total asshole for making fun of sybil's terrible birth hair?


as it is i have seen this episode 3 TIMES!!!!

and that is two times too many.


every scene is a set up for the death scene.

that horrible awful giant pulsating alien dickneck death scene....with extra pulsation, for her pleasure.

all i want to do right now is eat my weight in blueberry struesel muffins.  warm, with salted butter.


ggghhhhuuuuhhhh!!!  the things i do for you...


so dr. clarkson (later the only doctor that matters)  is checking on sybil who is experiencing some labor pains ..



 all normal says dr. clarkson..


but don't talk about lady business in front of lord grantham, he gets the verps.

how bad do you want to stab lord grantham?




carson tells everyone to shut, it's baby time.

nobody wants to hear a bunch of clod hoppin servant boots up and down the stairs. 




daisy still hates ivy.

who cares. 

sybil dies.



cora languishes in bed with some jam and a side of serious fucking china.

she tries to convince lord g with her adorable smirk that dr. clarkson should be main doctor. 



lord g is all..hey..dr. clarkson is a village doctor and village doctors are idiots.

let's call in sir phillip doctor.

he is a doctor who is a SIR!


let's all recognize the fact that this whole episode is largely based on following your own intuition.

several points in the episode made that pretty clear. 



jimmy can't wind a clock.

which is a total euphemism for "i'm gay".








"winding" the "clocks".


 poor thomas. 

this whole storyline makes me as sad as a dead sybil.

i believe thomas genuinely likes jimmy.

and while we're not sure if jimmy's gay himself (he totally is) he certainly isn't ready to be thomas's girlfriend.

and thomas is going to get hurt.

and that makes me sad.



what?  you mean the poison was in the pastry?

wait wai wai...what?

 the pie did it?!!


mrs. crawley asks ethel if she'd like to work for her.  



 why, yes i would.

double der.



grumble grumble...bates...grumble grumble..



matthew tries to convince old frosty that all this extra land is being under utilized. 



hey everyone it's sir philip dr.

aka sybil's murderer.

he's like, i got this. LOLZ!!!!

do. not. worry. 



what he said.

stab stab stab.



allow me to take this oportunity to talk to you about my semen. i my semen cool?

i i have a baby in me?

FUCCK!  why is communicating so hard?





 hey everyone!! edith got a regular column in real newspaper!

lord g is quick to tell edith that the only reason she got said job is bc of her title.

no one seriously wants a woman writing actual words.

stab stab stab.


 cuz she's edith.


over at crawley house..

mrs. bird can't work with a woman like ethel.


mrs. crawley is like well then have a nice life.


BOOM! in your face bird.


ivy + jimmy, alfred + ivy, daisy + alfred.

this story line would be more interesting if something would actually come of it.

i mean, it's no "lettergate" but it still make my eyeballs roll hard to the right.



 granny arrives bc it's birthing time.



sir philip doctor has assured everyone that "old dr. clarkson" isn't needed.  


 cora's like, yeah but no but yeah, dr. clarkson has been our family doctor since the girls were babies..


edith is like i'll go get that motherfucker myself..


granny is delighted.


let's all take a minute to recognize that edith is the most independant lady in this whole house of jokers.



downstairs alfred shows everyone how to temper some eggs.


upstairs everyone is super bummed about having to wait for the baby to come out.



 then matthew spills the beans about edith writing to a newspaper.


 granny makes a sweet butthole face.

  of course she is in disbelief and goes on to say..

"when may she expect an offer to appear on the london stage".

haters gonna hate edith.



some weird looking nun arrives to announce

that it's time.





dr. clarkson emerges having examined sybil and has determined that sybil might be toxemic.

she's got some cankles and her behavior is muddled.

sir philip dr is like yeah, der. she's having a baby.



 ethel's burning some kidney souffle.

thank god.  burn the shit out of it ethel. 



the doctors are arguing.




all is as it should bel!

don't worry!




yep. all as it should be.


dr. clarkson wants to test sybil's pee.

sir philip doctor's eyes roll right out of his head and into granny's soup downstairs.


 muddle muddle.



dr. clarkson is convinced sybil has eclampsia and if she doesn't deliver the baby soon, via c-section, they both will die...


 albumin motherfucker!   ALBUMIN!


 sir phil is like...a c section is beyond dangerous and that could kill them both too.

there is lots of arguing over who makes the decision in all this.

is it tom?

is it lord g?


do you know who i would listen to?

this one-

 a mother knows all.


cora (intuitively) says she would have taken sybil to the hospital hours ago.


it was right about here i could feel my growing anuerism about to pop.



over at crawley house

ethel brings mrs. crawley a horrible disgusting cup of tea with honey in it.




and then.. 

mary floats in weighted down only by her necklace and announces that both baby and mom are ok.

it's a girl!


for a second there i thought sybil was going to die.



 sybil is tired.

perhaps too tired...?

damn you writers!!

i'm so confused!!


sybil (intuitively) tells her mom to make sure tom's ok.


 thomas congratulates jimmy on being so cute. 




there are some grade A type cheeseball camera shots, shadows and hilariously absurd music,

and everyone gathers in sybil's room who is writhing around and screaming about her terrible terrible headache...


she can barely breathe.. 



giant eclampsia neck.






this whole scene is too awful for words and i am balling my head off bc all anyone can do is nothing... 


everyone just stands there watching sybil die!


it's crazy awful.



 the news hits downstairs..


 even thomas is crying..

it's all so heartbreaking!




but honestly..

this scene was just too much for me to take..

you are my baby, you always will be.  always my beauty, my baby.


we all died a little in that moment, right?

well, if you have a girl baby you did.

i know i sure did.


she asks mary to tell her father to sleep in the dressing room.

ruh roh.



mary and edith are saying goodbye to sybil... 

edith wonders if sybil's death will bring them closer together.

mary says no.

 hahaha!!  thank god for mary.

she offered up some much need comic relief for me here.


monopoly murray shows up to talk to anna but stays to talk to matthew.

which was obviously not the right time.


 mary floats in and tells him so.

are we sure mary isn't a vampire?



 monopoly murray talks to bates about getting a statement from mrs. bartlett.






granny shows up.

she hobbles in, looking every bit her age and nearly crumbles in the doorway.  she takes a moment to gather herself...and carries on. 



cora wants to write a letter to dr. clarkson to apologize for doubting his all knowing, saying if they listened to him sybil might still be alive, but sir phillip and lord g knew better and now sybil's dead.


can't say as i blame her.






it ends with tom in the window alone with the baby.




hard times at downton.


 sound off in the comments.