downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.


 this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.

which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.


i am working on part 2 as we speak..

i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.

americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).


in any case..

here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).


 it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.



the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.

everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.

sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.

lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.



 downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle. 

essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.






meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton.  "no one would even notice or care".

 the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,

he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..




back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.

there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.

there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.

o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.



later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.

finger waving?


finger braiding?

i'll stick with fingering.

she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.

that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.


 lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.

cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.

he agrees.

must remember this technique.



over at the jail...


 anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...

anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?

now...what news have you got for ME?


bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?


anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I..  and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.





alfred, the giant footman shows up.

he's a ginger too. 

double fucked.



carson is not impressed.



across town.. 

lord G visits the monopoly guy.




 monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.

apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.  



which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.





everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.


speaking of lame couples... 

edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.



while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.

and as we all now know...

that ain't happening bc there is no money.



family dinner #4,000..

everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.

no one is more excited than the dowager.


and the ginger giant is helping with dinner.. 

the dowager is visibly sickened..





talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..

the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..






matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...

it's gross.



sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...

background tension.



and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..

matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.

matthew being one of them.

the first guy died of the spanish flu.

 the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.



i think we all know where this is going...


wait...where is this going?




family dinner #4,001..


everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.



when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?





daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.


OH! and the gray's are coming.

wait...who are the gray's???



 upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..


cora's cool about it because she's an american.

have gun will murder travel.



tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.


matthew tells tom he's got his back..

matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.



meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..

or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.


a little later..


 anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????



downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..

o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..


why would i do that?  i'm an asshole, remember?

and just like that the dream team is destroyed.



upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.



the young gray...larry? picking on tom..


and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.

or something.

also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.



LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..


she's like..






sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.


at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.


grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!



after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue. 

he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).



 what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..

matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...


all the girls swoon accordingly...



that'll show eyebrow guy.



 LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.

seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?

i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?




bates and his cell mate have words.



the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.

they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.


he's thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.

they're wear morning coat.




here comes trouble.

aka martha levinson.

cora's mother.

shirley maclaine.

me in 20 years...



there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...



once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...

martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.

why should he inherit all her money?


matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?


he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..


he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune. 


but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.

mary's you DO want it. 


and she slaps the paper out of his hand...

bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken. 



the dowager runs into martha in the hall...

dowager:  americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.

martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.


the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.

the best we get from the dowager is this:







family dinner 4,002..

it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.

martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.


the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...


 i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..




mary is upset and leaves.

(who wouldn't?  old people eating soup is gross.  ok everyone eating soup is gross.)



tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...

tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.


upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...

worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.



but whatever..


 matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.

she's not having first...

but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.


he wants to kiss her...


but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....


and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.

but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).

seriously those things have a mind of their own.


"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"





more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.

cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.



downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...


she appears and says..


will i do....carson?


it's the sweetest thing ever.


carson tries to choke back tears...


and i nearly gag on my own tears.




blah blah they get married...



 the end.


my thoughts..


shirley maclaine killed it.

she was a breath of fresh air.

 i expected nothing less.


so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..

they have to sell

they have to get the money from big martha 

matthew inherits lavinia's fortune

or...they have to open a pretzel shop.


time will tell. 

but i do love a good pretzel.


edith is coming on strong to sir antony,

who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.

 i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.

i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.

what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?


and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene.. 

i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.  



 spill it!!



was it as good as you'd hoped?

nothing really ever is, is it?



***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..

we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap. 

i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.