downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.
Monday, January 7, 2013 at 7:45AM
this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.
which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.
i am working on part 2 as we speak..
i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.
americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).
in any case..
here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).
it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.
the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.
everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.
sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.
lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.
downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle.
essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.
also...treacle.
treacle.
meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton. "no one would even notice or care".
the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,
he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..
back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.
there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.
there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.
o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.
later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.
finger waving?
braiding.
finger braiding?
i'll stick with fingering.
she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.
that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.
lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.
cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.
he agrees.
must remember this technique.
over at the jail...
anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...
anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?
now...what news have you got for ME?
bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?
anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by accident...now let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I.. and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.
meanwhile...
alfred, the giant footman shows up.
he's a ginger too.
double fucked.
carson is not impressed.
across town..
lord G visits the monopoly guy.
monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.
apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.
ever.
which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.
meanwhile...
everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.
speaking of lame couples...
edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.
while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.
and as we all now know...
that ain't happening bc there is no money.
family dinner #4,000..
everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.
no one is more excited than the dowager.
and the ginger giant is helping with dinner..
the dowager is visibly sickened..
talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..
the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..
matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...
it's gross.
sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...
background tension.
and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..
matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.
matthew being one of them.
the first guy died of the spanish flu.
the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.
i think we all know where this is going...
wait...where is this going?
family dinner #4,001..
everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.
when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?
meanwhile...
daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.
OH! and the gray's are coming.
wait...who are the gray's???
upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..
cora's cool about it because she's an american.
have gun will murder travel.
tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.
matthew tells tom he's got his back..
matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.
meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..
or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.
a little later..
anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????
downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..
o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..
why would i do that? i'm an asshole, remember?
and just like that the dream team is destroyed.
upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.
the young gray...larry?...is picking on tom..
and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.
or something.
also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.
LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..
she's like..
meanwhile...
sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.
at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.
grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!
after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue.
he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).
what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..
matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...
all the girls swoon accordingly...
that'll show eyebrow guy.
LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.
seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?
i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?
and...
bates and his cell mate have words.
the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.
they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.
he's like..no thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.
they're like..no..you wear morning coat.
here comes trouble.
aka martha levinson.
cora's mother.
shirley maclaine.
me in 20 years...
there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...
once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...
martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.
why should he inherit all her money?
matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?
he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..
he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune.
but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.
mary's like..umm...no you DO want it.
and she slaps the paper out of his hand...
bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken.
the dowager runs into martha in the hall...
dowager: americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.
martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.
the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.
the best we get from the dowager is this:
meanwhile..
family dinner 4,002..
it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.
martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.
the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...
i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..
mary is upset and leaves.
(who wouldn't? old people eating soup is gross. ok everyone eating soup is gross.)
tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...
tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.
upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...
worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.
but whatever..
matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.
she's not having it..at first...
but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.
he wants to kiss her...
but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....
and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.
but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).
seriously those things have a mind of their own.
"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"
WEDDING DAY!!
more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.
cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.
downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...
she appears and says..
will i do....carson?
it's the sweetest thing ever.
carson tries to choke back tears...
and i nearly gag on my own tears.
blah blah they get married...
the end.
my thoughts..
shirley maclaine killed it.
she was a breath of fresh air.
i expected nothing less.
so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..
they have to sell
they have to get the money from big martha
matthew inherits lavinia's fortune
or...they have to open a pretzel shop.
time will tell.
but i do love a good pretzel.
edith is coming on strong to sir antony,
who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.
i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.
i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.
what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?
and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene..
i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.
spill it!!
was it as good as you'd hoped?
nothing really ever is, is it?
***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..
we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap.
i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.
Reader Comments (33)
Yessss! Jenny the Countess is back!
1. I totally agree with you about JailBates and Anna. She needs to be led astray by the gardener or something.
2. Shirley Maclaine is a hoot. The hats! The jewels!
3. The Gingerboy needs to channel his inner O'Brien tout de suite cause he's sickly sweet.
4. Not a mention of Mary's diamond wedding headpiece? Golly it was smashing!
5. Etsy crafts. Hee hee. The hubs was watching with me and said "Oh look, it's just like our wedding. Remember your carriage ride?" "You mean in that broken down Honda Civic?" I replied.
6. The best Dowager zinger was in Part II. "Oh, I thought you were a waiter." (When talking to the Earl who is SHOCKINGLY under dressed.)
Please, please, please do it for me?
I love you. Huge girl crush. Mwah!
I have been so looking forward to this and you didn't disappoint! I didn't realize it would be 2 hours long either so I started watching it super late at night but then couldn't quit before it was over. I was a little disappointed in the show overall but I was expecting that I guess. Sybil's hair was the worst part for me - it's soooooooooooooo bad.
More of you, if you please.
Loved your recap - I'm a newer reader, and thought your recap summed it up perfectly. I was seriously worried about the way Cora handled the whole "I lost your money" thing. Really? I'm sorry, your husband lost all of your money and you're going to lose your house and you're all ho hum about it? Rrright. I was a little disappointed by the series premiere... it was kind of boring and something really needs to happen quick in the Bates/Anna storyline because... meh.
I'm so glad I finally watched season 1 and 2 on Netflix/Hulu so I could watch season 3 and know what the hell was going on. And more importantly, actually read your recaps. I enjoyed it although it was kind of anti-climactic on all fronts. Agree about the prison scenes. I actually have a question about what happens in the second hour at the jail and what it implies. Yes, and Cora seems like she's on happy pills because no one could be so blase about losing their fortune and that huge beautiful home.
Jenny, Jen, Gin. I haven't watched the second hour yet...thought I would pop in here and check for your brilliant recap! Spot on, as usual. I'm just so glad to have something of my own to watch in my testosterone-filled home, I'm always up to my ears in playoffs and skylanders. Bring on the passionless couples and their hair! Anyway it's mostly about the spectacle of it all for me...England. that house. those clothes! Off to watch part two.
Will Bates ever get out of prison if the Earl has no money for the lawyer?
Haha! Oh man, too true.
the best line in the whole (brilliant) recap:
"cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love."
your recaps are great, but this show is terrible.
1. do you really think the writers sit around and say, eh, I guess we could have an old love interest throw something in his drink?
2. the "will you be my best man" thing was impossibly dumb. it's like making the black guy you dont know your best man to show how not racist you are (um, sort of means you are a racist)
3. didn't they throw jeff daniels at ol' spinster sister as her only hope last season? and this season it's a total reverse?
eh, I think I should skip this and stick with the good wife.
Woo! your recaps are just as good as the show, lady!
I almost fell of the couch laughing at the etsy banners being hung all over town. Were they expecting the kardashians?
And I totally think Cora is smoking opium. (Is that smoked?)
Loved your recap. Of course. So many great Dowager moments. Mary's wedding gown was gorgeous. I do want some more action however....next week looks good. Now, my question....did Bates really do it?
Fantastic recap! Loved Shirley Mclaine. She totally could be your grandma. I loved watching her and the dowager. I could watch them all day. I'm glad you're calling Matthew out for what he is, a big V. He's so whiny. Thanks for the recap! Can't wait to see more!
You are my favorite and my best-
Nailed it-specially the soup slurp snake alien scene-brilliant
1. i'm pretty sure bates really is a murderer and has everyone fooled.
2. i LOVE carson. i don't know who that actor is but his facial expressions are so dead on.
3. daisy needs to go.
on an unrelated note -- we discovered that we have hardwoods in our kitchen. upon peeling up the linoleum and prying 1000 nails per square inch of plywood - the hardwoods are only around the EDGES of the room for about a foot out. that is bullshit. my dreams of painted floors shattered.
Loved the Dowager's stayin out of the sun line cause she was totally channeling my grandmother!! Hahahah Oh, and yes Shirley surely killed it, sublime.
That's NOT Daisy riding the bike, it's Matthew!
dana the best line in the whole (brilliant) recap:
"cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love."
Agreed! I snorted I was laughing so hard :)
You crack me up! Your video blurbs are hilarious. Where did your bangs go?
Great recap, as I anticipated in a really anticipatory way. Bates is way tuff!!! Rrrrrrrirrr (cat noise) Think he's going to kill ugly flat mate? Fingering the hair...ha-ha. So funny 'cause it's true. What? No brushes in early 20th century? I'm going to re-watch it with a British friend tomorrow. Are you so jells?
thank you! even my husband reads your recaps. monopoly man, perfect! I thought the dowager had some great lines this episode, but overall, it was good, not great. not sure where they are going with the Bates thing.
I snorted, for like, reals! at the Monopoly man.
Wanted to punch Cora in her "have gun will travel" idiotic throat...c'mon. Not even a "what the fuck LG, Seriously?! WTF?"
Mary and Matthew couldn't be more boring and when they get back from their honeymoon and he tells LG "my eyes have been opened"...ew, if my hubby said that to my dad...holy crap.
LOVED the dowager, natch and I'm a huge Shirley fan from way back in her new age days. I thought she was perfect and the dowager had the greatest lines ever.
Also, found this:
http://edithwithgooglyeyes.tumblr.com
you're welcome.
You are the best Dowager ever. I giggled all the way through your skits and your recap. What a talent. And yes, I am excited to have it back, but am underwhelmed thus far overall.
jbhat
OK HERE I AM! Ready to chat! Yesterday I was not ready to chat b/c I had not seen the ep yet. B/c I have no cable. So I had to wait until PBS put up the ep on their site and then my hubby plugged the computery thingy into the televizor.
IT WAS AWESOME. B/c of Shirley. Shirley shirley shirley. She needs to stay. Also loving the O'brien and Thomas hate war now, THAT is fab. Love that crazy Irishman. Love that they have to leave the house, I want to see them in a smaller house. LOVE Carson. He and Mary should have had some crazy affair.
OH MY GOD. Mary + Matthew. I have said this to you before yes? THE LEADS OF THE SHOW SUCK. Andrew and I were laughing hysterically when he was trying to sexytime talk to her. OH PUKE. and did you see their KISS?
Awful. As sucky as the prison scenes were, I felt like he was about to leap over that table and pull Anna down into the floor just from the charisma coming out of his sweaty hair. There be some CHEMISTRY there.
Your recaps make my life happy.
I thought it was ok, hopefully they're starting off slow and leading up to better things. Totally agree about the Bates scenes - WHO CARES. I'm so happy your Downton recaps re back and even more happy your videos doing impressions of them are back!!