yeah, that's not claire danes that's me giving you my best carrie mathison on a plane with a floaty nose hair boog.
i'm not ashamed.
i am that person that will show you a booger in her nose.
because i do not generally give one inch of a fuck about such matters.
so maybe one of you is wondering how i got on a plane all by myself and flew across the country without it being televised as "georgia woman gets on plane and has a monumental panic attack in the sky, kills everyone and then herself."
well, i did not.
oh i was terrified but i am not a quitter.
ok well that one time i was a total quitter.
i was very ashamed of myself for that.
and i cried a lot and was in a very low spot for a very long time.
mainly because fiona saw me be a quitter.
she saw me give in to my fears and i am not that mom, let alone that person.
so this time i had a lot to prove.
mostly to myself but i could not let fiona see that happen again.
so i pulled up my big girl panties and i got on that plane and i was SICK nervous and sad and i cried quietly into my scarf but i just tried to keep the bigger picture in perspective..
i was going to see my best girlfriends and that was way more important than being scared of being confined in a giant tube with wings with no means of escape for 4 hours.
and there were several moments when i thought of running down the aisle screaming (like last time) i gotta go i gotta go!!!!!
and i remembered this woman.
and it all made sense.
that woman had it right.
and there were times i considered going tribal like her and just succumbing to complete gibberish and devil's tongue.
if you are at all a panicky flyer this might resonate with you.
i choose to believe that she just needed to go deep to make it through the landing.
perhaps the scariest part for her.
granted, she is probably mostly on drugs and super fucking nuts, but perhaps...she just needed a safe place to go and for her that was crazy town.
but i didn't.
i remained cool.
on the outside anyway.
and i did it without drugs or alcohol.
i did it with..
i read that fucker cover to cover 4 times.
i just got immersed and zoned the fuck out.
my copy looks like it's been through a tsunami.
but it saved me from gibberish and giving in to my fear.
and that is a big deal.
except for the booger.
on the flight home i was so chill and relaxed and...happy.
and i realized that maybe this fear of closed spaces and confinement and stuff really just stems from being a parent.
for me anyway.
because on the flight over i blamed the plane and being confined.
but i really think it was because i was leaving my family.
which is harder for me than i guess i realize until they shut those doors and i am "trapped".
the flight to england in july was just plain easy.
because fiona and mike were with me.
no reason to panic when my loves are all together.
i don't have it all figured out and i am sure there are more issues at play than just "i'll be away from my family",
but i'd like to think i won this particular match.
and it's funny how things work out..
because on the flight over i was seated between 2 sweet young ladies.
they were so accepting of my magazine-gripping, nervous-talking, germ-fighter-spraying brand of crazy.
and on the flight home i was seated next to someone's meemaw with tonsil stone breath that almost killed me.
i seriously thought she pooped in her pants until it hit me that the smell was coming from her mouth.
AHS recap friday or saturday.