AHS- bitchcraft (rolls eyes, stabs self in face with minotaur horn)


guys my breakfast was scarier than this show so if you have been afraid to watch american horror story in the

past, now's your chance.


i like my american horror story with a side of shit in my pants.

this episode did not deliver even a fart.

the intro was scarier than anything i saw within the episode..

so to that end- FUCK THIS SEASON! 


ok wait..

this show isn't dead to me yet.


here's my "review" if you like quick reviews or one liners..

"american horror story: coven?  more like american boring story: not scary"


i would love love LOVE this show if it was just a regular show about witches on the CW. 



but a recap was promised so a recap you shall read.



bon soir mah pets!



it's 1835 new orleans and kathy bates aka delphine lalaurie is smearing the blood of a thousand periods onto her face.

because she wants to look young and fresh for her cheating husband.


 try some face yoga.


mid smear she is interrupted by her husband saying that some shit is going on downstairs.


a word of advice to all men everywhere..

never interrupt a lady mid-facial.



delphine goes stomping downstairs and starts beating the shit out of her daughter for attempting to make relations with a slave.

 the slave, bastien, protests saying that she put the moves on him.


delphine orders bastien upstairs.


well, upstairs is fucking horrible. 

and about the only frightening thing in this episode.


it's filled with all manner of slave torture,   slaves chained to the walls, slaves in cages with thier eyes dug out and slaves with faces that look like osso buco. 



so now we know where delphine gets the blood for her blood facials.


bastien is chained up, front and center as delphine orders for the pickaninny.


a cute little black boy arrives with a giant bull head like a mascot costume only this particular bull head is a totes real one, and proceeds to stick it onto bastien's head.




delphine waxes on about her greek mythology smarts and says she's so excited to finally have a minotaur.

the fuck?




present day somewhere..


zoe aka violet AHS season 1 is back and she is about to give her virginity to her boyfriend..


 but then surprise..



the boyfriend upon penetration starts bleeding out all of his faceholes.




 poor zoe has to take a train to new orleans to a special school for girls.


she is escorted by frances conroy giving us her best vivienne westwood giving us her best grace coddington with a side of sonia rykiel realness.



outside of mrs. roblahblah's school for girls...



zoe enters only to be attacked by the entire cast of glee.. 




it's like montessori for witches.

there are only 4 students. 

zoe (taissa farmiga)

queenie (gabourey sidibe), madison, a movie star, (emma roberts) and nan (jamie brewer)



cordelia foxx

aka sandra bullock's character in practical magic.

played by sarah paulson.


the ladies all sit down and talk about some shit..


 like, there is a supreme witch who is the witch with the most powers.


and how there was a girl (lily rabe) a few towns over who had some special witchy powers like bringing dead shit back to life..



 only crazy bible beaters don't understand such things so they set her on fire, salem style.




meanwhile fiona goode (jessica lange) pops into a science-y place and starts talking to david (hot science guy) about a dying moneky that prior to an injection of RM-47, a stem cell drug similar to the fountain of youth and stuff, was surely going to die.



fiona wants summa that. 


btw..who else tapped into their scooby senses and decipherd the RM-47 as Ryan Murphy is 47 (years old)?

just me?



later fiona is dancing around in a nightgown, blasting inna gadda da vita, doing some coke and freaking out in the mirror because that shit ain't working. 

(or as i'd like to call it...monday)



she summons the science guy and proceeds to suck the life out of him with her face.



after he shrivels into a pile of bones on the floor fiona looks into the mirror revealing a subtle glow of youth..



but only for a second..



back at hogwarts..



filch is serving up some soup while the ladies introduce their witch powers.



madison the movie star's power is telekinesis.

she can move objects with a thought. 



queenie precious can stab herself with knives and make other people hurt.

basically she's a human voodoo doll.



while nan is clairvoyant.



meanwhile down in herbology.. 


 cordelia is brewing up some shampoos and soaps for her botanical store, verbena™.



fiona walks in and we discover that she is cordelia's mother and that she thinks cordelia is doing a shitty job as headmistress.

she tells her that there's a storm a brewin and that unless she prepares these girls for voldemort and his death eaters they will surely die out. 

cordelia tells fiona to leave and fiona says she's there to stay so they better make the best of it. 


outside a fraternity party somewhere we see that kyle aka tate season 1 and kit season 2 (evan peters) is the king of the douches on a fraternity bus.



he is giving them a speech about how they are not to drink too much or puke too much or piss too much etc..

he forgot rape too much because clearly if you don't tell frat boys exactly what to do they will walk away only smart enough to not do the things you mention that they shouldn't do.  


 inside the party the movie star and her homely new friend emerge through a cloud of axe body spray.

everyone wants to get teh movie star a drink.


except for kyle..

he only has eyes for zoe. 



 after eye fucking each other through a wall of ice...

they talk like normal kids.


while upstairs madison is getting roofied and date raped by all those frat boys ("hey it wasn't on the list!")..



 all rapes and roofie administration led by this guy...



 after being rescued by kyle (the nice frat boy) all the boys run to the bus to flee.

kyle follows while zoe makes sure her friend is ok. 


kyle gets his face punched by one of the frat boys and falls onto the bus.

zoe runs after the bus with madison following shortly after. 



madison proceeds to telekinesis that bus right over..



the next morning...

the news tells us that all but 2 on the bus died.


fiona walks in and no one knows who she is... 


madison calls her a hag and that gets her ass throw against the wall.. 



fiona decides to take headmistressing into her own hands and takes the girls on a field trip dressed in their funeral best..


pilgrim nan takes a detour triggered by her clairvoyance onto a guided tour in an old, historic home.. 


 the tour is of none other than delphine lalaurie's home (kathy bates)..


we learn that delphine would run out of blood and tell her daughters to go down and get some more,

which meant taking a scythe to a slave..



and removing a penis pancreas for one of her signature pancreas cocktails. 


and then we see angela basset sashaying down the street looking like a damn supermodel (seriously she looks amazing!) and knocking on the door of delphine lalaurie..

she is playing marie laveau and if you've been to new orleans or know anything about new orleans you know that marie laveau was a real life person.  and i bought incense from her store back in the 90's. 


marie proceeds to tell delphine that she has what she needs. 
 and hands her a little vial that she says is love potion so that her husband will never stray again..
delphine drinks the potion and declares it tastes like honeysuckle..
the potion is actually poison of some sort and delphine appears to be dead. 
we discover that marie laveau's boyfriend is the sexy minotaur in the attic. 
outside the tour fiona spots pilgrim nan out in the courtyard staring at the cobblestones..
ruh roh.
fiona asks P.N. what she hears?
she says "the lady of the house".
over in the hospital..
zoe is paying a visit presumably to find out if her new boyfriend was one one of the 2 alive frat boys..
sadly, he is not. 
and in an ironic twist of irony..
the date raper himself is one of the alive ones. 
she decides to put her magic power to use..
she inserts his defenseless peen into her magical vagina. 
which of course makes his faceholes bleed out. 
over at the exhuming party..
fiona tells 2 dudes that she'd say thank you but they won't remember a thing.
after they exhume the coffin fiona takes her handy chain cutter and releases delphine lalaurie in a perfect
state of aliveness.
at which point fiona says, "come on mary todd lincoln, i'll buy you a drink" ...
ok i totally would have said that too.
and they walk away. 
the end.
i am reserving the "this season sucks" judgement until the 3rd episode. 
i figure if i haven't diarrhead by that point it ain't gonna happen.
there are things i do like about it though and those things are witches.
maybe i will just deal with this CW-esque installment of AHS.
did anything scare you?
i mean the racist slave shit is awful and certainly not fun to watch but it's not particularly scary or even creepy. 
disturbing, yes..but there wasn't enough of it to make me feel like i'd been beat up.
ok, go.
(not sure why the last half of this post is all scrunched together)