AHS-take me down to cornrow city


this episode delivered the goods this week..

those goods being:

many scenes filled with the world's most delicious food- fried chicken.

kohl eyeliner for days.

alligators eating faces off.

a brokedown urban outfitters store in the bayou complete with fleetwood mac soundtrack to get us all in the mood to model our lace shawls and corset blouses.

a frankenfreakout to end all freakouts.

and best of all- jessica lange's many glorious zingers.


let us begin.




we start off this week with the scariest and dumbest thing in all of the known universe...





2 backwater bayou rednecks iz huntin allygators.

for their hides i think.


one of them shoots an alligator in it's head..


but then misty day shows up wearing the entire free people catalog and aforementioned racoon eyes.

 the dead alligators summoned her. 



she brings the gators back to life and they proceed to eat the rednecks in the head. 




foxxy is knocking on all the doors in the restoration hardware showroom telling everyone to come downstairs for the morning gathering.


when she gets to fiona's door she asks, "what's that smell?!" RUDE.


but not for nothing...there is a 180 year old woman in there.

it's lalaurie with her crusty 180 year old butt sweat and cheese steak pits.

 fiona wants to know why she hasn't aged a day in 180 years.


but first it's..


flashback time!


a little queenie back story. 

i love that her name is queenie.

it honestly couldn't be any more adorable. 

neither could gaby sidibe.

she's like an enormous chocolate truffle with dimples. 



anyway.. she gets pissed at douchebag customer for trying to get a freebie chicken finger (who wouldn't though?!)..

he calls her some not nice things and she throws her arm into the hot oil which turns his arm into fried chicken. 


special delivery!  5 whole fried fingers...extra bubbly!



queenie is apparently actually telling this backstory in the morning meeting..

when they are interrupted by filch and some detectives.


and this is when shit starts to get decidedly better. 



the line of questioning starts to get a little too on point and zoe freaks out and confesses everything including being a witch.


fiona walks in and spits in some water and then hands it to the 2 cops.


the one with the lazy eye fights drinking it with incredible tenacity..


until she starts to melt his brain a little and he succumbs and drinks the spitwater.


later fiona launches the worst witches for being so dumb..



she goes on to tell them that they better get their heads out of their asses or all witches everywhere are going to go the way of the dinosaur.


telling them that the only thing that they should be afraid of....is her.


roger that. 



ok, not roger that..



picking themselves up and dusting themselves off of the floor, dumb and dumber decide to not do smart things and instead head on over to the local morgue to make turn a dead person into something sort of living.

as you do. 



they discover kyle looking like a frontgate catalog halloween decoration..



madison decides that as a favor to zoe she will help bring kyle back to life. 

gee thanks?



while over at the obgyn we learn foxxy has a husband and they are trying to get pregnant..




we also learn that the husband is aware that his wife is a witch and is, in fact, in favor of using magic to get pregnant. 


probably not a great idea.



while back at shabby chic mansion..



fiona is bringing some fried chicken (mmmmm) to lalaurie and telling her that she's been in a coffin for 180 years..



lalaurie groans and says .. "that bitch.  that black devil."

fiona is trying to figure out who she is talking about.

i am unsure why she doesn't just know this being that she is the supreme..

maybe she isn't the supreme?




in another flashback we see lalaurie awaken from her "poison" coma being called outside by marie laveau

where she and an angry mob wait for lalaurie to emerge from her house.


lalaurie asks where her family is and laveau tells her they never left and shows her, with game show host flourish, where they are...

which is to say hanging above their heads.


she then proceeds to tell lalaurie that her fate will be far worse than death.

the "poison" she drank wasn't in fact poison but a potion for life everlasting.

she then locks her in a box and buries her in an unmarked grave where she will sit in silence forever and then beyond that forever into even more forevers. 

or until a little witch dressed as a pilgrim finds the grave and the supreme witch of all witches (maybe) has someone dig that racist bitch back up. 



back over at the morgue..



fairuza and co. are busy with their sewing kits..


ok wait.


 what happened to his penis?

why is his lower half so disproportionate to the rest of his body?

what IS that thing masquerading as his lower half?

it looks like a carved out melon with some chili inside. 

and why do his legs look like chicken drumsticks?






hocus and pocus start some resurgence 101..


breathing in smoke, laying a line of powder around the kyle parts, drawing a pentagram on the body in some karo syrup blood, cutting each other's hand..the usual shit.


when it doesn't work madison decides to leave.

zoe stays back to talk to frankenkyle because she's the emotional one.



she kisses him.

and then a security guard walks in and discovers frankenkyle and eventually zoe.





 frankenkyle attacks him to some 1980's weird science music.

it's awesome. it's like if a giant baby was trying to fight like a man. 

he kills him with stiff armed blows to the head and shoulders. 

it's severely amazing times infinity.



over in the 104th ward..



fiona is getting her hair did to some fresh beats.


marie laveau walks in and turns off the music..


wearing some kind of fran drescher the nanny shit circa 1993. 



meanwhile little nan fauntleroy is bothered by the sounds of my stomach of lalaurie's grumbling thoughts..



so she marches upstairs to lalaurie's room and unties her..



lalaurie's like.. finally!  someone in some clothes i can understand!


back at the weave shop..



fiona and marie discuss who has the bigger witch dick.

fiona tells marie she has something that she wants.

but that fiona also has something that marie wants. wait.

and then fiona sets some damn wigs on fire with her mind.



and then jessica delivers what is by far the best fiona zinger of the night..

"who knows, maybe in another century... you could have two... shit hole salons"

jessica- all the points. 

everyone else- NOTHING!



back at the shabby hardware school of 4 students...

foxxy and her husband, beardy, are setting up a romantic fiery pentagram for some classic babymakin'..



complete with dinosaur eggs filled with snakes that grow larger with each thrust.

(pretty sure that's what was written in the script breakdown to the art department)



it's all very erotic and terrifying. 

just the way all babies should be made. 



meanwhile at the morgue frankenkyle still hasn't found his sea-legs...



after taking what is sure to be the 100th tumble of the night,

zoe manages to get kyle into the car where she takes him god knows where..


she begins to explain to him what has happened to him which makes him beat the shit out of the cars insides.

frankenpeople are so dumb.

always beating things up to get their point across.


a few minutes later after the frankenmeltdown, misty day pops up in the backseat..



she says she was summoned and that they should turn around and make a right.


next stop..

the bayou for some urban outfitters realness. 


misty is rubbing kyle down with some mud and aligator dookie, as you do, and explaining that it's so medicinal in the swamp. 



she and zoe sit very close to each other's faces and talk about the awesome white witch herself...stevie nicks.

i think maybe misty is making a pass at zoe?

or maybe she just needs to hang out with some people instead of alligators and cranes and frogs. 

zoe has to get back to school but misty says she'll keep rubbing doo doo on kyle's puppet stitches until she comes back. 



cut to marie laveau stompin over some empty coke cans and popeye's boxes and marching straight into her bedroom to unchain the motherfucking minotaur.

sweet jesus i forgot about him.

here's to hoping she and minnie have some sweet minotaur sex.

regardless of his creepy bloody bull head, homie is insanely ripped.

and i'm sure i speak for all of us when i say..i need to see angela basset naked. 




a few minutes later we see fiona stompin down the street and lalaurie sitting on a bench outside her house.



lalaurie reminisces about her girls and husband, she didn't care so much about the husband, she'd planned on killing him for weeks, poisoning his buckwheat.



fiona says she didn't feel sorry for her, that (and here's zinger number a million)- she had a mean streak wider than her ass.

double HA!


 fiona tells her that if she wanders off again she'll go back in the box.

and the two of them do a new orleans shuffle off down the screet. 





i honestly thought this episode was pretty good.

i mean it's still not scary yet and it's still very CW but i liked it and i feel like i am pretty much hooked at this point. 


 here's to hoping the real supreme shows up.

stevie nicks.


or diana ross.