DOWNTON RECAP 3/7 part 1



they did it to me again.

they combined 2 episodes and sweet brown'd me (ain't nobody got time fuh dat).


so we are merely discussing part 1 this week and we will discuss the gay-ass cricket match ending in a few days.


in any case let's recap the shit out of this recap.


so bates is out of prison.


i say that with all the enthusiasm of anna wintour at an ed hardy fashion show.


i mean on one hand we don't have to watch les priserables anymore.

but on the other hand we have to watch these 2 smile and make googly eyes at each other like they're in a levitra commercial.

and on the other hand you have 3 hands which means you are a freak. go to the doctor you freak.



contrary to my feelings everyone at downton is super pumped about bates' return.

daisy even makes him something.

a pie?

it's probs treacle pie.


lord grantham is also happy to see bates return and offers to set him and his lady up in a cottage.

well that's nice of him.

wait..does he have say in cottage renting anymore?

i think matthew wants to tear that shit down and build a strip mall anyway.



really a lot happened in this first installment of the season finale.

most importantly thomas makes the moves on jimmy.

let's back up a bit though..

bc this is all o'brien's doing.

in her "mark my words" speech a few episodes ago she mentioned to thomas that she was going to basically seek revenge and fuck his shit all up.

thomas was like..whatever.


no! NOT whatever thomas!!


your ass got served.



so this is how it breaks down..

o'brien is mad that thomas told everyone she was leaving downton(remember that?)..

she stews and stews and stews in her bangs juice and decides that thomas will pay for that remark.


lady grantham pouted for all of 4 seconds in a previous episode and that was that.

at this point i can only assume that voldemort is living inside o'brien's bangs and that is why she is carrying out these evil plans to the fullest extent.

and because what a bitch!!!!!!



the plan is to prey upon thomas's obvious (to o'brien only) infatuation with jimmy.

she keeps feeding thomas lies like- alfred tells her that jimmy tells him that he really likes thomas and btw HELLO HIGH SCHOOL!


thomas is like...nuh uh!! jimmy likes girls.  and o'brien's all...uh huh he totally likes you, alfred told me!

and believing o'brien is the smartest thing you can do?


well, this news makes thomas a little crazy.  

crazy in love!!


so he paces about in his storage closet bedroom in a delightfully tight t-shirt while jimmy is next door with his shirt off, suspenders down around his waist, washing his face in the face washing bowl thing.

it's exactly like porn.

the only difference is the way it ends.

bc this scene could have totally been any scene in a gay porn with better lighting and sound.


i mean, i'm sorry...but seeing thomas all bothered by his feelings and the possibility that jimmy secretly crushes on him and then seeing thomas walk into jimmy's room and close up face kiss him on the mouth was TOTALLY FUCKING HOT!! and also i'm not sorry.

amiright ladies and gays?


but then hello, non porn reality set in when alfred (DAMN YOU ALFRED!!) walks in and sees this go down.

but for a second...a very brief know jimmy was way into it and then BAM! alfred.

but alas...jimmy hops up, screaming, like he'd just been kissed by o'brien's butthole.



edith receives not one..but TWO letters from the editor of the london paper, asking her to please come and write something already.

lord grantham still thinks it's the worst idea ever.

matthew thinks it's great.

but he has to so that we know that there is still great divide.

old (grantham) and new (matthew).


edith decides to travel to london despite papa thinking it's a terrible idea and meets the editor.

they get along so well together you'd think this was sir antony strallan jr.

they decide to have lunch together and i decide that they both look like birds.

i hope they are happy together and make lots of bird looking babies.




ethel is still cooking (much better mind you) for cousin isobel.

but there is discord between isobel and...well...everyone bc she sees ethel as an obvious charity case and everyone else sees ethel as a scarlet letter wearer.


we all know what let's just go ahead and nip this in the bud (butt? o'brien's budhole?)..

ethel goes to work in a village very near her son charlie and they all live happily ever after.

the end. sybil's christening is drawing closer.

tom asks mary to be godmother in a very sweet scene that put mary back on my list of girls i do not want to punch.

tom tells mary that his brother is coming to play the catholic part in the christening play.

mary insists that he stay at downton.

lord grantham calls catholicism 'a gymnastics display' which it totally is.

he doesn't want any part of this christening.

but then tom tells him that sybil would have wanted him at the christening and.....cry.

what is it about SYBIL!!??? every time her name is mentioned i fight a terribly big lump in my throat. 


how cute was that baby??!!!



meanwhile matthew calls jarvis (old guy who continues to fuck shit up at downton) and murray to a meeting to discuss all the things that are wrong with downton. p.s. what isn't wrong with downton?

jarvis is all "malfeces (gross) i quit!"

 tom takes over.

 great idea! why didn't matthew think of it?


even granny's on board with it.



meanwhile o'brien convinces alfred that if he doesn't tell carson about seeing thomas kissing jimmy everyone will think he's gay.

carson confronts thomas and thomas defends himself as best he can.

when he said 'a man in his position has to look for signs' just made me so sad.





that's pretty much it, right?



i will have the second part to this recap up tomorrow or thursday.




word to your downton turd.