there it is.
were you surprised?
i'd like to know if anyone out there was actually surprised.
i mean, i wasn't, sort of.
look, everyone knew dan stevens was leaving the show, but i kind of forgot that fact while watching..
but even so, the whole, "i feel like i swallowed a box of fireworks" bit as he stared at his new baby was like a brick upside my head...
and then with 2 minutes left on the clock and matthew driving his car like rainman down a swervy road...well...
you'd have to be kind of retarded not to know what was coming.
see ya later matthew you giant pussy!
yeah, i know.
many of you are like, this show is dead to me now.
and i get it.
you are on team matthew.
i hated matthew.
with all of my soul.
and with that...here's your final recap of the season..
it's that time of year again..DONEGAL TIME!
in all the 3 years i've known the granthams i haven't heard them ONCE speak about the most magical place on earth...donegal. (insert an eagle screeching soundbyte)
somewhere in the scottish glens, that is also probably home to hogwarts, is magical donegal castle and house of shrimpy:
aka daryl hammond as sean connery on jeopardy aka the saddest fucker on earth.
he and his pisspoor wife are fighting all the time and their daughter is rebelling.
or just being a teenager.
mary's pregnant and has maybe gained .0004 lbs.
her nearly 9 month bump looks like day 2 period bloat.
no one wants her to travel bc they don't want her to die.
a bit later it's all aboard the hogwarts express..
tom stays behind bc he's tom.
but cousin isobel will keep an eye on him and try not to eat him with her gigantic teeth.
carson has big plans for the downton staff, while the granthams are away...
the boys will polish all the silver and the maids will clean all the rooms.
speaking of maids, there's a new maid in town..
it's michelle pfeiffer.
aka michelle pfeiffer, seriously.
for the rest of the episode edna does her best to seduce tom,
while not giving a fuck who sees.
and then she gets fired.
rules is rules edna.
dr. clarkson has taken an interest in cousin isobel.
which makes total sense and is not random at all.
everyone arrives at donegal (scrreeech)which is just bizarro downton.
as in every character at donegal is a bizarre version of their downton counterpart...
PLUS THERE'S BAGPIPES!!!
and mirrors made out of GUNS!
and guns made out of SWORDS!!!
meanwhile back at downton mrs. patmore has a boyfriend who looks like mrs. patmore..
back at donegal (screeeech) the men go pretend hunting andHOLY FUCK LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!!
while the men pretend hunt, lord grantham talks about how awesome it must be to live in such a magical place.
shrimpys like...ehh...i guess.
cousin violet and mrs. shrimpy are out walking the ground andSWEETMOTHEROFCHRIST LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!
mrs. shrimpy complains about everything.
the 2 o'briens are sewing some hats and comparing the severity of their hairstyles..
o'brien 2: mine looks like poopoo and dead animals.
o'brien 1: well, mine looks like hatred and doodoo coils.
edith tries to convince everyone that michael brought his "pencils and rods" to sketch and fish not to try and "poke" edith with his "pencils and rods".
also edith is killing it in head scarves..
while the grantham/crawleys are enjoying themselves at donegal (screeeeech) and preparing for the upcoming gilles/gilly's/gillies ball..
the downton staff are preparing for a fair in thirsk.
bates and anna go on one of their hourly levitra walks and see rose smoking and crying.
bates gives her some altoids.
mrs. hughes tries to convince mr. carson to go to the fair.
he claims it would make all the other staff feel uncomfortable and they wouldn't have any fun.
but we all know the real reason he wants to stay behind...
so he can hold and cuddle that tiny baby sybil.
anna and bates are having a picnic and bates is playing keep away with the picnic basket. it's the worst.
matthew takes michael out hunting andOHLORDJESUSLOOK AT THIS FUCKING PLACE!
elsewhere mrs. shrimpy wants o'brien 1 to teach o'brien 2 how to do her hair like cora's.
if you ask me o'brien 1 is the last person you should be wanting hair advice from.
but in all fairness, o'brien 2's hair is infinitley worse.
it's like if you dipped two pieces of white bread in poop and lube and then added some bugs and smashed it together and placed it on top of a head and called it hair.
at least o'brien 1's hair is clean.
tom wants to eat with the staff.
edna wants to eat tom's staff.
dr. clarkson asks isobel to be his date to the fair.
she agrees saying, "that sounds like fun."
translation: i like fairs, that would be fun.
rose teaches anna how to reel.
better not tell mary.
she might reach into her vagina and pull the baby out just so she can show anna how it's really done.
at the fair..
the downton boys are playing tug-o-war with some surly looking thirsk boys.
mrs. hughes sees mrs. patmore's boyfriend flirting with some girls. but really it isn't so much flirting as it is molesting.
meanwhile matthew is still enjoying the scenery, this time fishing, when he basically tells michael to leave edith alone. no good can come of a married man with a crazy wife courting his sister in law.
which is the total truth.
i mean why can't edith just have a normal suitor who isn't jeff daniels and/or a married bird looking dude?
downton wins the tug-o-war and jimmy gets paid.
daisy wins some chuck-e-cheese money.
tufton tells mrs. patmore he likes her food which is code for i like to eat food.
jimmy wanders down to a dangerous and beautiful sewer and the tug-o-war thugs (tug-o-thugs) grab him and start to beat his ass when thomas appears and rescues jimmy.
he tells jimmy to run and proceeds to get his face smashed in.
meanwhile...dr. clarkson drinks TWO cups of punch and almost asks isobel to marry him i think.
back at donegal (screeeech)-
the gillys ball is getting fucking cuh-raaa-zeeee!!!
rose comes down in her sluttiest dress.
o'brien 2 is trying to poison o'brien 1 with whiskey.
she gives it to molesly instead because...well..because it's molesley.
shrimpy is telling lord g that donegal (screeeech) has to go.
anna dances, bates gets a boner.
and molesly is on fire!
edith tells michael that having a boyfriend who is married is better than no boyfriend at all.
mary reels and almost faints of pregnancy.
she decides that she should go home early.
she tells matthew to stay.
which will come back to haunt her, i'm sure.
mary gets off the train and feels something like a baby coming out.
she tells anna to let everyone know that maybe her baby is coming out.
lord grantham has a heart to heart with cora about how bizarro downton has shown him all the blessings in his life..in particular..matthew's vision for downton but also how his wife is not mrs. shrimpy.
jimmy tells thomas he can't give him what he wants.
thomas says he'll settle for just friends,
which is a lie but whatever.
in time i feel jimmy will come around and come out.
and for the record i would not hate to see some thomas on jimmy action.
carson delivers the news that mary and baby are ok!
matthew, "the hot and dusty traveller", arrives.
they coo at each other over how much they love each other and blah blah don't you have a car to drive somewhere?
we see matthew driving down the road with some melodramatic music playing..he's looking up..he's looking down...he's looking at some sheaves of wheat over there and then we see a truck coming in the opposite direction...
and then we see this..
all the while the dowager, lord grantham and cora are talking about how great everything is but that sometimes in life we don't get our just desserts.
i think what that means is...
even rich people have to eat some shit sandwiches from time to time.
but maybe what it means is this..
the happier you are the more likely it is that you will lose someone you love?
which is why a lot of people are hesitant to be too happy...bc they're afraid if they get too happy then bad things will happen to even out the playing field.
i have to admit i feel that way sometimes..
you know...when all in your life seems so awesome that surely a bit of bad news is headed your way, which completely ruins your current happiness.
don't you feel like that?
that's it folks.
i'd love to know how you feel about matthew's death.
i mean, his death was impossible to avoid.
he had to go and writing that mary and matthew fell out of love or something wouldn't have worked.
although i would have preferred kidnapped by aliens maybe.
i have a bit of exciting news to share...
we are going to england for 2 weeks in july.
i plan on taking a train to highclere castle so that i can photobomb all of the filming going on.
it's not going to be pretty but it IS going to be awesome.
many thanks to tori for alerting me to this awesomeness:
thanks for reading!