DOWNTON RECAP: CHRISTMAS DEATH EPISODE.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013 at 10:11AM
poor bastard
well folks.
there it is.
the. end.
literally.
were you surprised?
i'd like to know if anyone out there was actually surprised.
i was.
i mean, i wasn't, sort of.
look, everyone knew dan stevens was leaving the show, but i kind of forgot that fact while watching..
but even so, the whole, "i feel like i swallowed a box of fireworks" bit as he stared at his new baby was like a brick upside my head...
and then with 2 minutes left on the clock and matthew driving his car like rainman down a swervy road...well...
you'd have to be kind of retarded not to know what was coming.
that said...
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
see ya later matthew you giant pussy!
yeah, i know.
many of you are like, this show is dead to me now.
and i get it.
you are on team matthew.
i hated matthew.
with all of my soul.
oh well.
shit happens.
and with that...here's your final recap of the season..
:(
it's that time of year again..DONEGAL TIME!
in all the 3 years i've known the granthams i haven't heard them ONCE speak about the most magical place on earth...donegal. (insert an eagle screeching soundbyte)
somewhere in the scottish glens, that is also probably home to hogwarts, is magical donegal castle and house of shrimpy:
aka daryl hammond as sean connery on jeopardy aka the saddest fucker on earth.
he and his pisspoor wife are fighting all the time and their daughter is rebelling.
or just being a teenager.
same thing.
mary's pregnant and has maybe gained .0004 lbs.
her nearly 9 month bump looks like day 2 period bloat.
no one wants her to travel bc they don't want her to die.
fair.
a bit later it's all aboard the hogwarts express..
tom stays behind bc he's tom.
but cousin isobel will keep an eye on him and try not to eat him with her gigantic teeth.
carson has big plans for the downton staff, while the granthams are away...
the boys will polish all the silver and the maids will clean all the rooms.
speaking of maids, there's a new maid in town..
it's michelle pfeiffer.
aka edna.
aka michelle pfeiffer, seriously.
for the rest of the episode edna does her best to seduce tom,
while not giving a fuck who sees.
and then she gets fired.
rules is rules edna.
dr. clarkson has taken an interest in cousin isobel.
which makes total sense and is not random at all.
everyone arrives at donegal (scrreeech)which is just bizarro downton.
as in every character at donegal is a bizarre version of their downton counterpart...
PLUS THERE'S BAGPIPES!!!
and mirrors made out of GUNS!
and guns made out of SWORDS!!!
meanwhile back at downton mrs. patmore has a boyfriend who looks like mrs. patmore..
back at donegal (screeeech) the men go pretend hunting andHOLY FUCK LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!!
anyway..
while the men pretend hunt, lord grantham talks about how awesome it must be to live in such a magical place.
shrimpys like...ehh...i guess.
cousin violet and mrs. shrimpy are out walking the ground andSWEETMOTHEROFCHRIST LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!
mrs. shrimpy complains about everything.
the 2 o'briens are sewing some hats and comparing the severity of their hairstyles..
o'brien 2: mine looks like poopoo and dead animals.
o'brien 1: well, mine looks like hatred and doodoo coils.
edith tries to convince everyone that michael brought his "pencils and rods" to sketch and fish not to try and "poke" edith with his "pencils and rods".
also edith is killing it in head scarves..
while the grantham/crawleys are enjoying themselves at donegal (screeeeech) and preparing for the upcoming gilles/gilly's/gillies ball..
the downton staff are preparing for a fair in thirsk.
same thing.
bates and anna go on one of their hourly levitra walks and see rose smoking and crying.
bates gives her some altoids.
mrs. hughes tries to convince mr. carson to go to the fair.
he claims it would make all the other staff feel uncomfortable and they wouldn't have any fun.
but we all know the real reason he wants to stay behind...
so he can hold and cuddle that tiny baby sybil.
anna and bates are having a picnic and bates is playing keep away with the picnic basket. it's the worst.
facepunch.
matthew takes michael out hunting andOHLORDJESUSLOOK AT THIS FUCKING PLACE!
elsewhere mrs. shrimpy wants o'brien 1 to teach o'brien 2 how to do her hair like cora's.
if you ask me o'brien 1 is the last person you should be wanting hair advice from.
but in all fairness, o'brien 2's hair is infinitley worse.
it's like if you dipped two pieces of white bread in poop and lube and then added some bugs and smashed it together and placed it on top of a head and called it hair.
at least o'brien 1's hair is clean.
tom wants to eat with the staff.
edna wants to eat tom's staff.
dr. clarkson asks isobel to be his date to the fair.
she agrees saying, "that sounds like fun."
translation: i like fairs, that would be fun.
rose teaches anna how to reel.
better not tell mary.
she might reach into her vagina and pull the baby out just so she can show anna how it's really done.
at the fair..
the downton boys are playing tug-o-war with some surly looking thirsk boys.
mrs. hughes sees mrs. patmore's boyfriend flirting with some girls. but really it isn't so much flirting as it is molesting.
meanwhile matthew is still enjoying the scenery, this time fishing, when he basically tells michael to leave edith alone. no good can come of a married man with a crazy wife courting his sister in law.
which is the total truth.
i mean why can't edith just have a normal suitor who isn't jeff daniels and/or a married bird looking dude?
meanwhile..
downton wins the tug-o-war and jimmy gets paid.
daisy wins some chuck-e-cheese money.
tufton tells mrs. patmore he likes her food which is code for i like to eat food.
jimmy wanders down to a dangerous and beautiful sewer and the tug-o-war thugs (tug-o-thugs) grab him and start to beat his ass when thomas appears and rescues jimmy.
he tells jimmy to run and proceeds to get his face smashed in.
meanwhile...dr. clarkson drinks TWO cups of punch and almost asks isobel to marry him i think.
then this:
back at donegal (screeeech)-
the gillys ball is getting fucking cuh-raaa-zeeee!!!
rose comes down in her sluttiest dress.
o'brien 2 is trying to poison o'brien 1 with whiskey.
she gives it to molesly instead because...well..because it's molesley.
shrimpy is telling lord g that donegal (screeeech) has to go.
anna dances, bates gets a boner.
and molesly is on fire!
edith tells michael that having a boyfriend who is married is better than no boyfriend at all.
mary reels and almost faints of pregnancy.
she decides that she should go home early.
she tells matthew to stay.
which will come back to haunt her, i'm sure.
mary gets off the train and feels something like a baby coming out.
she tells anna to let everyone know that maybe her baby is coming out.
lord grantham has a heart to heart with cora about how bizarro downton has shown him all the blessings in his life..in particular..matthew's vision for downton but also how his wife is not mrs. shrimpy.
jimmy tells thomas he can't give him what he wants.
thomas says he'll settle for just friends,
which is a lie but whatever.
in time i feel jimmy will come around and come out.
and for the record i would not hate to see some thomas on jimmy action.
carson delivers the news that mary and baby are ok!
matthew, "the hot and dusty traveller", arrives.
they coo at each other over how much they love each other and blah blah don't you have a car to drive somewhere?
we see matthew driving down the road with some melodramatic music playing..he's looking up..he's looking down...he's looking at some sheaves of wheat over there and then we see a truck coming in the opposite direction...
and then we see this..
all the while the dowager, lord grantham and cora are talking about how great everything is but that sometimes in life we don't get our just desserts.
i think what that means is...
even rich people have to eat some shit sandwiches from time to time.
but maybe what it means is this..
the happier you are the more likely it is that you will lose someone you love?
which is why a lot of people are hesitant to be too happy...bc they're afraid if they get too happy then bad things will happen to even out the playing field.
right?
i have to admit i feel that way sometimes..
you know...when all in your life seems so awesome that surely a bit of bad news is headed your way, which completely ruins your current happiness.
don't you feel like that?
anyone?
anyway..
that's it folks.
i'd love to know how you feel about matthew's death.
i mean, his death was impossible to avoid.
he had to go and writing that mary and matthew fell out of love or something wouldn't have worked.
although i would have preferred kidnapped by aliens maybe.
i have a bit of exciting news to share...
we are going to england for 2 weeks in july.
i plan on taking a train to highclere castle so that i can photobomb all of the filming going on.
it's not going to be pretty but it IS going to be awesome.
and finally...
many thanks to tori for alerting me to this awesomeness:
thanks for reading!
Reader Comments (38)
You done did it girl! I love your recaps, they are so spot on. Isobel does have huge teeth! I knew Matthew had to go but it seemed a cheap and gratuitous way to do it. I kept thinking maybe Shrimpy would accidentally shoot him whilst out "hunting".
bdeckba- oh my god yes. that would have been awesome!
Oh man, I was all "it's all working out so nicely, how great," until I saw Matt looking a bit *too* happy driving a little *too* fast down that road. Ugh. Sucks, but if you're leaving a hit show why not go out with a bang? I think I'm emotionally recovered, however I'm suddenly very curious about British inheritance laws ...
I don't know, the writing is getting so sappy and ridiculous. The plots are thinning... is the magic dying? Maybe a little, and it's not just because of Matthew.
Isn't it a bit impossible that a parent of both recent babies had to die on the day they were born? Its all a bit too convenient. I hated to see Matthew go, but only because I thought it was a cheap plot point. Also... was he gaining pregnancy weight? Me thinks me saw an extra chin!
I'm not looking forward to seeing the family go through mourning again. Let's hope that the next season picks up with the babies in their teens so that Edith's fledgling and Baby-Lady-Sybil can fight over who will inbreed with the Baby Crawley.
I am a lurker of your website. I have been reading you for a little over a year and have never commented on any of your posts but this post....this post deserves comment. You Are A Genius. Your recaps are the total highlight of my day when I get to read them. I know they are exhausting for you to write (you've told us) and I know they take your time away from Craigslist and auditions, so I really want to let you know how great they are because I would be devastated if you took them away from me. Too bad you can't secure a position as a Television Show Re-capper. Really, you should look into that because you are so dang good at it.
I love how you say exactly what's in my head only better.
I knew they were going to have to kill him off. I agree that they way they did it was cheap. I want to see the funeral and mourning, and all that crap. I'll be mad if they just skip over it and move on like nothing happened. You don't think they'll try to get Mary and Tom together do you? Nooo...she'd eat him alive.
England is one of my dream destinations so I can't wait to hear all about it!! Yay for you!
I AM THRILLED HE'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so HAPPY he's gone!
Can you tell I am not Team Matthew???????
goldang Scotland is so pretty! or wherever they were shooting.
Best part of the show: CARSON AND THE BABY. Oh my I just about fainted from that cuteness.
Love what Tori found. Funny!
Love the recap. Is Dan S. leaving the show because he thinks he can go be a movie star or something?
Hope Fiona is feeling much better. I love the new spring look. So fresh and pretty!
jbhat
Jenny, Jen, Gin, brilliant as always!
Stupid iTunes made one episode available for download each week but only for the first five weeks (I suppose that was the arrangement they made with PBS) Then following the airing of Episode 5 the whole season was available to view. So of course I had myself a marathon and have been sitting on this news for weeks.
Everyone is so damn incandescently happy you pretty much know its coming. And I feel a kinship with cousin Isobel, my teeth are also huge. Anyway, I went immediately to the internet to find out what Julian Fellows had to say for himself and found myself staring at spoilers for Season 4.
When will I ever learn?
I was shocked with Matthew's car accident/murder. I didn't know he was leaving to go to Holyweird and I am a little pissed at him in the real world because really, what could be a better acting job than Downton? I predict he will go down in flames and we will never hear from him again and he will wish he stayed with Downton, kinda like that other host on the first American Idol who thought he was better than the show and where is he now? I heard working at Red Lobster.
Anyway - I don't like Mary very much - she is a total B - I am thinking she and Branson are gonna hook up...Gross to think of her stepping into Sybil's place - which she CAN'T do - I want Sybil back!! I keep thinking she will return as a good zombie and all will be well again.
LOVE your updates! Looking forward to your trip in July!! Thank you Jenny for your brain and humor!! XOXO!
I thought Edna looked more like a boot-leg Kelly Ripa...
I was SHOCKED. Matthew had only recently grown on me. I was getting fond of him. I thought it was nice the way he and Mary were affectionate with each other. Mary's whole personality is gonna get ICEY....
I'm surprised no one has mentioned that James looks like a young Simon Baker.
Drunk Mosely was awesome!
Loved this re-cap... hated the episode. Still pist that Sybil is dead. Something I may never get over. Also, why was baby Sybil alone while the staff were off galavanting at the fair? Where was her nanny? WTF? Maybe child services shows up in the next episode... Of course Lord G comes around to Mathew's way of thinking RIGHT BEFORE HE DIES and Mathew never hears a word of praise for it! Lord G is a dumbass. I shake my head every time he starts talking.
Mary plays the B so well, even though I hate how she is toward Edith. Poor, poor Edith. Oh Mary, you stuck-up bitch. Also, does it creep anyone else out how much she talks about Puh-Paaaa, even when she's about to get down and dirty with Mathew??? WTF? Freudian.
Mrs. Patmore's boyfriend? Fugly face? I'd rather die alone in my own filth than cook one dinner for that freakfest.
Have you watched Jimmy Fallon's parody of Downton? Downton Sixby? So funny... His smoking hot daughters, and..... Lady Headith... it's too much; I love it. Brooke Shields nails it as Lady G. Head down, blinking, forehead following the hands of a clock while she speaks in a crazy cat-lady whisper... YES!
My husband only started watching this season. I heard him catching up on the last episode in another room: MATHEW IS DEAD????!!!! Why do we love this stupid fucking show so much!?
Thanks for keeping us laugh MFAMB!! Can't wait to hear your re-cap of England...
Oh my god! I totally feel that way about being too happy. It freaks me out. Because it seems that is how it always happens. Boom! Something takes it away.
Amazing recap as always.
Soooo jealous you're going to England!! Photobomb the shit out of the filming!!
Excellent. I fully back your Matthew hate -- the overwrought acting about Livinia's death was the worst ("We're cursed!"), but good luck Dan Stevens on your new career. Ya dumb fuck. Seriously, that show is SEVEN EPS a year -- that is the easiest acting gig there is!! He thinks he's Colin Firth. The world is about to bitch slap him with the truth on that.
The death was cheap and too much like Sybil's -- playing the same note. And the way he was looking up at the trees while he was driving... ? It just insulted the audience's intelligence.
I wish Bates had been in that car; I hate that sad sack of potato flesh more than anything. I was so hoping he'd get shanked in prison. But no -- that hedgehog actor will probably want to stay on that show foooooreeeveeer. The poor actress who has to kiss that mess in tweed. Elch.
And I want Edith to get some hot forbidden love going -- her awesome head scarves deserve it.
But really, the only reason I have not abandoned this stupid soap is the set dressing and MAGGIE SMITH!! And Carson (I still die from the scene where he was practicing using the phone -- so sweet).
Your recaps are the shit.
Mary and Branson??? Her dick is way to big for him. Maybe Edith and Branson. snoozzzzzzzze.
The writing on this show is not why I watch it... I love the sets and the costumes! But when they were all mourning Sybil, all that black was criminal. Especially on the dowager. That woman always needs a flower in her hat.
Love your blog, and the new look.
Jenny, I was roaring with laughter at this recap! I have this fear that Mary will secretly hate her baby because he reminds her of his father. or something like that. I hope she can run Downton until the new heir is old enough.
Did you notice how during the last season Mary kept telling Matthew that he was the only one to see good in her? I bet Mary is gonna be the biggest bitch to everyone. I cried for Sybil, but I felt ripped off with Matthew's death.
Bravo, darling! And yay on the England trip! I was expecting this season but it still caught me off guard. First I liked Matthew, then I hated him. Then when he strapped on a set and started telling Lord G where to stick it I liked him again. This season he has been the voice of reason and the person that puts Mary biotch and her ParPawr in their place when they bully the rest of them. And people have actually listened to him. So i was sort of bummed. And I too, thought maybe Branson and Mary B could hook up. And I'm done with the MasterBater/ Anna storyline. Makes me cringe too. BORING. Thank God for Rose! I expect big scandalous entertainment from that trollop. xo
I want Mary and Branson to get together - they'd make hay like they meant it! Mary needs a good rolling...
So worth the wait - I knew you would nail it and you did!!! Cousin Isobel has pony teeth!!! That's what they look like. Matthew needed to go, a happy Mary is a boring Mary. Can't wait to see what the next season brings.
And you in England for 2 weeks, how lucky can a girl get?
100% of the reason that I watch this show is bc of you! I hated Matthew, but still sad that the little heir won't have a daddy :(. I'm super psyched for Sybil 2.0 (Rose) to move into the house and for more fashion, rebellion and intrigue... Carson kills it (in the best way) with Sybie, I would like a spin off of the two of them growing up and teaching e/o about life and love. Edith's hair/scarves deserve all the screen time, I hope she finds a young hot lover instead of these old birds, wtf. Mary needs to take it down a notch or 10, maybe she'll learn to be nicer in mourning....
Edna - look again, not michelle pfeiffer, it's Kelly Ripa!
whew! my ten year old (an actress herself) is haunted by matthew's death. She is also very impressed by your downton scenes and skulks about the house doing her own. She has almost convinced her little sister to perfect the lesser parts for her own amusement!