AHS- smack my bitch up

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where do i begin? 

this episode served up some aileen wuornos level beatdowns.

and 2 blonde witches twirled the shit out of some twirls.  

also god of gods?  

please let me age like angela basset. 

what is her GD secret?  

BUT...

 this episode left me a little confused in a lot of places.  

what it lacked in plot points that made sense it made up for in plot points that made no sense. 

EXACTLY! 

see below:

fiona brings marie a cup of strrooooong tea and says i will put a spell on you for sleep and marie acts like she feels bad for being so weak and vulnerable.  

why is marie suddenly all cool with everything.  but whatever, it's early. i'll forgive. 

 

marie is awakened by the shadow man from the princess and the frog..  

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and we find out that she owes this guy a something or other for something he gave her. her fucking gorgeous skin no doubt. yeah, pay the piper missy.  that ain't right. 

 

what she owes him, apparently, is a baby. 

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she sneaks into a hospital, steals a baby and then makes PMS face and the 2 security cops blow each other's heads off.  

sweet trick. 

i could see this trick being useful in a number of instances. 

mainly and most obviously, when 2 dudes with guns are trying to kill you.

but, what about in the grocery store when it's really busy?  in this case carts=guns.  

 

later marie, cordelia and fiona are sitting around watching the news about hank and cordelia acts like her brain is blind instead of her eyes.

when did cordelia get so dumb?

marie explains that she hired him because he was a witch hunter.  

fiona evidently is feeling the monumental stupidity on foxy's part and marches over and slaps the ever-loving shit out of her head. 

 

fiona also explains that they need to find the hive. 

 

mini stevie is doing some twirls and shit when fiona comes in and explains what the supreme power is all about.

she marches her downstairs to where the white witch herself is hanging out..NBD!

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mini stevie faints lisa vanderpump style. 

then big stevie high-5's fiona and starts singing rhiannon at the piano. 

mini stevie is in the corner touching herself.

fiona is doing exactly what i would be doing if stevie nicks was playing the piano in my living room, reclining in a chair after smoking some powerful-ass weed.  (you know she did).

zoe, madison and nan come in and madison asks when eminem gets there.  fiona gives a "marshall?  you're not his type.  but more importantly, you aren't the suuupreeeeme". 

misty and stevie do some simultaneous twirling and away she goes. 

 

nan practices some mind control on madison.  cigarette in vagina. 

another AWESOME power to have. 

 

madison is convinced she's the supreme and not misty so they will settle it with a supreme off.   of course they are. 

 

cordelia finds the delphi hive. 

 

 

cordelia wants to help. fiona screams at her and calls her hopeless and worthless. 

i suspect this is to actually protect her.  at least i hope so. 

 

there is some adorable mouse sacrificing, hecate conjuring, chanting and more fainting. 

delphi is infiltrated by some fbi agents. 

 

madison and nan go to the hospital to visit luke, only he's dead. 

nan cries. 

 

fiona explains to marie that the cancer is growing stronger as the new supreme's powers grow stronger. 

 

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marie tells fiona that she sold her soul to papa legba (shadow man) who took her baby for eternal life.  she of course wants to take it back but can't. 


traditional new orleans funeral parade in procession that misty and madison are following.   

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madison wants to show misty that she's just as powerfu…

she gets her to give up her shawl and misty considers it for a second and then 

she gives misty a 1-2 punch with a brick and she falls in the casket. 

misty needs to visit the wizard for some brains. 


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nan and zoe go to visit luke's mom who has cremated her son. nan thinks she killed luke with a pillow so she makes her drink bleach. 


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what a monumental waste of patti lupone.  seriously why kill her, bring her back only to kill her again?!


aunt myrtle is playing a theramin. i saw one on yo gabba gabba once and thought to myself…those things have no real place in this world. 

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cordelia has an EPIC temper tantrum, throwing potted plants all over the place while myrtle continues cranking out tunes on her robot box.  best scene of the night. 


over at delphi, hank's dad zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..oops.  fell asleep. 


meanwhile fiona is setting up lines on a hand mirror and conjuring papa smizurf. 

she tells him she wants to live bc she is the queen of the witches. he don give a wet donkey shittabout da titul.  she wants life everlasting.  no aging, no decrepitude.

she provides services on 1 night a year. for example: would you cripple your daughter?  UM NO!!!!  murder an innocent?  someone you love?  YEAH, NO!!!!!

but fiona's like…DONE! seal it!

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but then papa is like…the deal is off.  because you have nothing to sell. you have no soul.  


she does some blow and says fuck it…i'll just kill everyone.


meanwhile nan hears something. 


and at this point i think as far as who the supreme is is anybody's game. 


nan finds the baby. 


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so they drown her in the bath tub.   i am fed up with this show. 

 

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snicks is playing some more piano for a weepy fiona.   this shit is cheesier than a goat's crusty udders.  


it's so cheesy it's the opposite of the 1933 wisconsin milk strike. 


this whole episode had me scratching my head.  the last thing i remember is fiona maybe wanting the coven to come together to defeat the witch hunters.  and that cordelia and fiona were mending things.  now she wants to kill everyone. myrtle was cordelia's favorite and now she's a theramin playing nut job.  also myrtle was more than likely hiding something.  delphine's head was delivered in a box and queenie got shot.  where is spalding?

ok, so i thought this was the season finale but obviously it's not.  there are 3 more episodes left i think?

my vote is this is officially the worst season yet. 

i feel like this show is given a different writer and director every week.  some weeks it's great and others it feels like a totally different show.  


thoughts?

i mean, it would seem misty is the supreme at this point but no real proof of that yet.  i suspect they are just throwing everyone off the scent and it's really, actually that twat zoe.  

and where the hell was KYLE?!

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