AHS recap- the scooby doobies vs. the yogi yahooeys

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i'm not sure what happened to this show these last few episodes but it feels like a whole lotta diarrhea coming out of everyone's faces. 

either that or it's another installment of the scooby doo laff a lympics.    

 

so there's one more episode left and it appears that all we will gain is the knowledge of the new supreme. and at this point i don't care a fuck. 

i had this thought that made me want to run, screaming, with an axe in my hand at ryan murphy's pinched little face, that thought was that all 5 of these bitches are going to be equal supremes.  and that i cannot have. 

 

the best part about this episode was the opening scene. 

i thought it was clever and inventive and super fucking weird.  it was the only thing that made sense. 

 

at least we understand what the 7 wonders are.   i think?  it was in latin and looked like a hispter music video but i still think i got the gist of what was going on.  

 

i'm going to see if i can't  (can?)  try and understand what the rest of the episode was trying to tell me….

 

first of all..CORDELIA'SEYESHOLYMOTHEROFASS!!!!   they look like freshly peeled clementines.  what a dumb fuck.  who gouges out there own eyes just so they can see the truth?!   but hey, looks like it worked.  job well done dumbass.  i'm finally starting to see fiona's frustration with this one.   at any rate…this regained "sight" is just the plot point we all needed to find out that fiona planned on killing everyone and leaving town for her last 2 weeks on earth.   

 

speaking of fiona..she's dead. hahaha!! nice try writers. here's to hoping she comes back half alligator half witch.  with this season's writing i wouldn't be surprised if she comes back as sharknado. 

 

papa smizurf comes back again as all 3 ghosts from a christmas carol.  am i getting that right?   

 

delphine.  ummmm….huh?  let me see if i have this correct:   delphine is sporting a "lady from maine" haircut, and working as tour guide in her old house.  no..wait.  no she's chopping marie leveau up into pieces.  no…wait.  no.  she's on a tour in her old house wearing a thelma-and-louise-style getaway disguise.   no… wait…she's in the attic again with her family.  BUT HOLD ON!!!!   MARIE'S THERE AND SHE'S NOT HACKED INTO PIECES ANYMORE!!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?! 

 

so in an effort to help us understand all of this queenie does some 2, 2, 2 bodies in one- sesame street shit and is transported back to the chicken shack.   papa smizurf is there to tell queenie that she's dead. but then she snaps to and says no, i'm too strong for this now lets have some cocoa with mini marshmallows and talk about what you can do for me. 

 

and that would be the power to kill delphine?!

 

i have the least amount of points in this game of understanding. 

 

can someone please roll more of that chicks in bonnets footage?

 

at this point i am fully expecting cordelia's orange peel eyes to pop out and be magic 8 balls.   

 

 

cordelia visits the axeman to warn him of her vision of fiona.  seriously?  FUCK THE AXEMAN!  he's an axeman!  who gives a shit about his feelings!?

 

but of course it's important that he know because chop chop! 

 

here's what i wanna know…fiona can throw up a hand and choke out queenie with her mind but when her boyfriend is choking her out she can't stop that shit with a nose twitch?  i mean samantha stevens could have done it in her damn sleep.  tabitha could have mastered it in utero.  but nooooooo, fiona is helpless in his arms.  *cough *cough bullshit. 

 

well, at least i can count on none of these women actually being dead.  not fiona, not delphine, not marie, not nan..no one.  in fact i am fully expecting some next level  monster shit and i will have it no other way.   i want fiona to come back with an alligator head, i want nan to come back as the creature from the black lagoon, i want marie to come back as jackee from 227,  and i want delphine to come back as a dolphin with black babies for arms mainly because autocorrect keeps changing 'delphine' to 'dolphin' and 'black babies for arms'  is just straight up awesome. 

 

 

perhaps my other favorite scene of the night was misty beating the shit out of madison.  pure awesome.  

 

a few minutes later the axeman arrives with fiona's blood all over him.  madison chops him with his own axe. and the rest of the girls conjure knives and stab him a gajillion times.   so is he officially dead?  how the fuck should i know?!  nothing is consistent in AHS-land.  and nothing makes a whole lot of sense. 

 

so, next week we find out who the supreme is.  here's to hoping it's kyle. 

 

or nene.

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thoughts?  if you have any.  which you probably don't.  


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