downton abbey- so many letters.

guys....recaps. where do i begin. they are hard. 

forget the writing and making things "funny". 

because no one hates a recap that's just a rehashing of the episode in someone else's words more than me. it's the technical difficulties that are giving me a pain in my b hole. 

please excuse the last half of the recap as reading like a cliff notes version of the episode. 

it's not only a bullshit excuse for a recap but it's giving away my stupid old process.  emphasis on old. 

the new and improved jandrews/mfamb recaps will be written entirely in text edit and copy pasted into this blog. 

so unless you want to see me kill the neighbor's chickens in a ritualistic offering to the god of patience DO NOT give me any advice on how to use common sense when writing a long ass blog post.  such as backing up your shit and not relying on squarespace to do anything right.

chickens will die!



on to the recap.. 


it's being said that this season is good because it's a copy/paste of the first season.

i might have to agree. 

let's compare:

season 1- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died on the titanic.

season 4- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died in a car accident.

season 1- mary is in mourning/a bitch

season 4- mary is in mourning x's a million/a bitch

season 1- lady sybil is rebellious and meets at dangerous places for political rallies. 

season 4- lady rose is rebellious and meets at dangerous dance halls for dancing with scrappy commoners.

season 1- thomas and o'brien plotted against pretty much everyone and everything.

season 4- thomas and edna are plotting against all the things. 

season 1 was so great because mary and matthew hadn't fallen in love just yet and there were suitors and a turkish dude who died of mary's poison vagina. 


yes, there are differences to be sure...a psycho nanny.

mrs. hughes has a new hairstyle. 

and if everything goes my way mr. carson will do it with mrs. hughes in the larder on top of mrs. patmore's clean apron. 

edith is  dare i say...fashionable?

if there was just something she could do about her face. 


without further adieu let's recap...


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 in the deepest, darkest of hours some letters are propped up on a mantle somewhere. 

o'brien has left the building.

the outcome for this particular character exit couldn't have been more realistic.

it seems o'brien went to become ladies maid to mrs. flintshire up at duneagle castle. 

in my dreams they are both sporting  similar bangs and experimenting with each other sexually. 


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 rose claims that maybe she heard o'brien talk about seeing the world.

lord grantham doesn't see how rose couldn't conclude that this meant o'brien would soon leave lady grantham for susan flintshire. 

rose has no room in her teenager brain for thoughts of others. 

what with all the dancing there is to be done. 


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it's been 6 months since matthew's death and mary has turned into a convincing winona ryder circa beetlejuice. 

even her hair is sad. 

like a sad helmet. 

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nanny west is here and looking like a weird, bald drag queen without his "face" on. 


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later,  thomas runs into nanny west who tells him not to touch the children. 

because RAPE!


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 meanwhile lord grantham and tom have become friends who don't agree on much. 

tom thinks mary should have a say in the running of downton and lord grantham thinks mary is a woman with a woman's brain who should cry some more and try to feed herself with her weak bird arms. 


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for the rest of the episode moseley is just a poor bastard with a debt that needs to be paid and no way of paying it. 

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"when your only child dies, then you aren't a mother anymore".

me = dead. 


aw...cousin isobel just needs a charity!

mrs. hughes gives it to her by way of a letter she spies in carson's trash. 


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a stern and peaked mary emerges to tell edith to go fuck herself with that valentine she's reading. 


speaking of valentines...

the girls downstairs are high on their own valentines's card fumes. 


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lookout mrs. patmore you're about to be replaced by an egg beater. 


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tom tries to peak mary's interest in the estate..

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 tom takes it to lady mary's real father. 

(you know you've thought it more than once. HOPED for it even.)


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 meanwhile thomas takes a lie/not lie to lady cora regarding nanny and her shenannygans. 


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 mary lays into carson for caring too much. 

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 granny comes in to tell mary that she needs to choose life.  and that she loves her. and to cheer up

because her tears are like swimming pools and orphans LOVE swimming pools. 

just kidding about that last part. 


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 lady cora and rose are interviewing edna for the lady's maid position. 

having no real memory of her working at downton.  ever.  even thought she was the one who totally tried to jump on branson's ding dong RIGHT after sybil died. 

really lady cora? 


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 THIS guy. 

more of this guy please. 


how have we not seen the dowager's butler before?

he's amazing. 



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 mr. grigg shows up at cousin isobel's to get better before shipping off to ireland to manage an opera house. 


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 edith is working every inch of those peacock feather applique's. 

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 they are infusing her with much needed confidence. 


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 mary apologizes to carson for being such a dick and like a true dad he embraces her tells her he loves her anyway. 

and that he thinks she's strong enough for the job as ruler of the universe. 


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 it's springtime in downton because FLOWERS!

spring signifies newness and growth. 

and ladies throwing on their best purple frock and walking into a room full of jerk-ass jerks and saying move over i'm about to out pants-poop you in this here pants pooping contest called LIFE!

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also...who loves tom this season?

raise your hand. 

my hand is so fucking raised it's through the ceiling and grabbing the clouds!!!!!!!


in the second half of the show a box arrives for lady mary which is probably filled with letters. 


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lord grantham opens it because he's in charge of EVERYTHING. 

inside is the little stuffed dog mary gave matthew (sniff sniff)


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and a LETTER!!!!!!

lord grantham takes the letter to lady violet and we discover that matthew intended for mary to be the heiress if anything should ever happen to him. 

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GOD! stop being so vulgar and self important mr. molesley!!



downstairs lord grantham reads the saddest letter ever and then shits all over matthew's intentions as nothing but that. intentions. nothing legal OR binding. 

we GET it lord grantham. 

ladies are the worst!



at dinner lord grantham continues his masked discomfort with the idea of mary as partner in decision making by giving her a smackdown on her lack of LIVESTOCK FEED KNOWLEDGE! 



meanwhile bates decided to get a card signed by the whole village because BORED!!


cousin isobel gets mr. grigg a job at a belfast opera house. 



rose asks anna if she'll chaperone her to a dance.


braithwaite tells/doesn't tell cora that she ruined an ass ugly scarf.



bates asks lady violet for money. 


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thomas comes up with some non story about anna sabotaging lady cora's ugly ass scarf. 

then later anna spills some perfume in lady mary's room and segue's that into taking rose to york. 

it's weird and feels forced. 

and i'm 75% sure that anna is a dildo with googly eyes. 

i need water. 



bates takes "the card for gwen" to mr. molesley to sign. 

we know he's up to something, but what?

surely none of you figured this sideways shit out. 




granny asks tom and mary over and gives them some ideas regarding the estate. 



edith's boyfriend is convinced he can divorce his wife sooner if he moves to germany.

this sounds like an AWESOME plan.

 SO many good things happen in germany during the 1920's. 


tom and mary go on a drive around the estate and mary learns farm things. 


rose and anna go dancing in york and a fight breaks out.



we finally get to the bottom of the card/letter for gwen that bates wanted everyone to sign. 

it was so bates could forge molesley's signature and produce a fake IOU seemingly from molesley to bates in the sum of 30 pounds. 

later anna asks bates how he managed it..

bates replies "prison was an education".

macgyver, please!  i'd have put the damn money in his pocket when he wasn't looking. 



meanwhile mrs. hughes is still trying to convince carson to go and visit mr. grigg. 


kiss her already carson!!


sam somebody pays rose a visit and she comes out looking like a maid.



lord grantham calls a family meeting before dinner to announce that matthew's letter was testamentical intesticle..

basically it means mary owns half the estate and matthew's testicles. 



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and no, that's not edna giving thomas a beejer behind the chair. 

it's just a couple of mean girls being mean. 



mr. carson puts aside his anger and goes to see mr. grog. 



i realize there was a lot of ivy/daisy/jimmy/alfred that i left out but honestly?

ugh! i just can't.

this was a LOOOOONG show to recap with about fourhundredKAbillion characters already.

somehow this 4 way storyline seems endless and un-recappable. 

but suffice it to say..

i think alfred and jimmy are both sweet on ivy. 

i think alfred likes to THINK that jimmy doesn't really like ivy but i think in fact he does. 

and i think alfred will end up liking daisy before it's all over. 

i will also say that i will always be, team daisy. 

no matter what. 




the end. 


i gotta say i am recap rusty.

next week i will do it the smart person's way.

i also have an american horror story recap coming this weekend. 

season finale this wednesday. 



but i digress...


did you love it?

i did. 

i was so happy to be just be in their world again.

the blip bloo blee piano music when something frivolous is happening gets me every. time. 


sound off in the comments! 

i want to hear thoughts and predictions and what did i miss?