downton abbey season 5 episode 1 recap

well here we are again. another season of everyone's favorite show about rich people and working class people discovering that they are all really the same not same.  

the premiere didn't disappoint...unless you want to talk about all the ways every single thing in this episode has pretty much happened in one form or another in every single season.

let's see...edith's still the saddest. lord grantham's still the useless-est, cora's still the chillest, tom's still the uncomfortable-est, molesley's still the pathetic-est, isabel is the irritating-est, thomas is still the conniving-est, mary is still the bitchiest and lord gillingham is still the horniest.


no, no it's totally not you. you are not crazy. the aristocracy is still becoming extinct. 

i wish the house had burned down. 

at least they really would have to move on.  

thankfully thomas found isis...oops...i mean found edith and saved her. 


let's recap...

it's 1924 and edith is riding her bike into town to see her best exotic marigold daughter, who has been living with downton farmer slash fireman, tim drewe and his family. 

she sits at the table and hugs and pets and slobbers on little marigold as if she were her own daughter. (*reader tip- SHE IS).

and if you were sitting across from it all and didn't know that you'd probably call the police (who is also probably your husband, the farmer/fireman) and say get this crazy lady outta my (our) kitchen before she steals marigold.  

now is it just me or was this whole episode rife with a subtle "women iz dumb" undertone?

first the farmer's clueless wife. seriously, get a clue wife. 

but also daisy? dumb. (women's brains aren't designed to understand concepts like math and the organization of farm tools only cooking souffles and meringues. SO EASY ONLY A WOMAN COULD DO IT. and an alfred. #neverforget)

miss bunting, or as i see her, velma from the scooby doo movie hints at not wanting to be the butt of a prank because dumb.

lady rose tells us that it's not so hard to give out awards. can lady rose even read words? 

even little sybbie can't say grandfather so she calls lord grantham "donk" because she can't even say donkey. or grandfather. or probably a lot of other wordz.



this scene tells me that neither one of these women have had sex in 100 years and that they need it. 

cousin isabel is pretty meh over lord merkin who wants nothing more than to deliver her a deep dick pie.  



 thomas is still threatening baxter to tell him what she knows about mr. bates and the rapey valet mr. green. thomas is scarier this year. all lurk-y and threatening. if only he had two oddly shaped curls for bangs. 

meanwhile some townspeople (gross says lord donk) come to downton about a war memorial and want carson to be their chairman instead of lord donk who feels sad and useless. for the millionth time. 

the donker heads over to his mom to cry about it a little and the subject turns to merkin and isobel. donk informs lady violet that if isobel marries merkin she becomes the lady of the land.

to which there is an audible record screech in my head. 



i'd go to a luncheon just to see him maneuver the cake plate away from dr. clarkson with that look on his face.

also england please, that's not cake. 

in more obvious comic relief...

molesley acquired some hippie hair dye in york that will make him appear more latin. or spanish. or irish.  everyone just wants to puke about it!! 


edith and farmer tim have to meet secretly in the barn in order for tim to explain how not to act around his wife.  

helpful hint: if it looks and smells like desperation it's totes desperation! 


in the end farmer/fireman tim comes up with a plan on how to make it so edith can be around marigold all the time like a mom but no one will guess she's a mom. 

only i have no idea what it is. 

any guesses?

here i'll start:

guess a)  murder that dumb wife of yours farmer tim so you can marry edith. you're marrying up dummy!

guess b) send that wife on a rocket to space!

guess c) find some smallpox and make your wife eat it. 

guess d) any of the above.


meanwhile at the rose awards rose runs into miss bunting who...oops...sorry..


rose runs into velma from the scooby doo movie and asks why she turned down an invite to an anniversary party for a bunch of old people.

velma says it's because she's no charity case. (and because fred still loves daphne)



a lady asingarth or asturgard..shit i don't know...she was duckface in four weddings and a funeral arrives mysteriously to downton and invites herself to the party.  

she claims her car broke down but it doesn't take an abbey full of dumb women (or anyone that's seen gosford park) to see that she's there for jimmy to load some cargo into her boot. to ride the skin bus to tuna town. catch my drift? 

carson the smut hound is certainly on to her. (he wishes)


tony gillingham also arrives and asks mary to take him as a lover. 

doy. here's a tip ladies of 1924- try before you buy. 

because like what if he wants you to stick your finger in his b-hole during sex. 

that's a total deal breaker as far as i'm concerned.


elsewhere señor molesley advises baxter to tell cora all about her secret.

 we find out she's a jewel thief and went to prison for it. 

 that's all well and good even though i was expecting her big secret to be an illegitimate baby somewhere or something along those lines, but she mysteriously gives them away for some reasons not explained but my guess is it's an illegitimate baby somewhere. 

cora upon hearing the news is all, least you didn't try to murder my unborn baby by setting up a bar of soap for me to slip on. my last lady's maid did that. 


meanwhile at dinner the terrible annoying velma bunting shows up to rabble-rouse everyone.

UGH! she's such a tom when he was a branson! 

dinner goes as expected...velma hates everything having to do with the upper class and war.

the donker loves everything having to do with the upper class and war.

i'd be ok if she went away forever. 

perhaps bates can push her under a lorry. 

but i think she will end up being daisy-dumb-as-a-kipper's tutor. 

i am still holding out for the tom/mary drunk sex in a barn storyline.

but mike anderson thinks tom and rose are the real love story.

i am hoping when bates pushes velma under the lorry rose's shoelaces are somehow attached to velma's shoelaces. 


later when thomas confronts cora about baxter's thieving ways she's all duh i already know.

the real issue is why the fuck you not tell me i was hiring a jewel thief if you already knew. BOOOOM!!!! 

thomas does a well enough job covering his tracks.

i'd have been all...uuuhh...mmmmuuh...uuuhhhh....and then pretended to pass out. 

anyway...cora threatens to fire thomas. 

but because she's cora she first must go smoke a j and marinate on all of it. 


later thomas and jimmy are upstairs talking about how horny they are, thomas wants to help jimmy get busy with duckface and that he will "ca-caw ca-caw" if anyone comes down the hall. 

"no one cock-blocks my jimmy!"

as usual the grand dame of cock-blocking, edith does the cock-blocking to end all cock-blocking: she sets the house on fire. 

"if i can't be happy, no one can!"

thomas can't "ca-caw ca-caw" because he must save edith from the fire.

so lord donk finds jimmy putting his lipstick back in duckface's lipstick tube. 

resulting in jimmy's firing. (with recommendations so no scandal ensues)


talk about backfiring.

the one person thomas doesn't want to get fired, gets fired.

when you play with fire you get burned.

you can't fight fire with fire after all.

fire is the most tolerable third party. 

don't let your dreams go up in smoke...practice fire safety. (with a single bucket of sand and weak water hoses)

a spark neglected (edith) makes a mighty fire.

fire takes no holiday (unless it has a secret baby in switzerland)

if you play with fire you're gonna get burned (unless you have a few buckets of sand lying around and an extraordinarily prompt volunteer fire brigade)

fire in the heart sends smoke to the head (said cora as she inhaled deeeeply)


at least thomas won't get fired. because he's the hero who saved isis and now edith too!!


edith walks over to the fireman who is also the farmer and her future husband and says, so what's your plan? i mean now seems like a good time to talk about it. every single person is out on the lawn watching to see if i'm ok, so let's talk about my baby and how i can be her mom for all time without any of these people knowing about it..oh hi mrs. hughes.


the end. 

thoughts? did you love it?

so many great coat and hat combos. and the scenery as ever was my favorite.