my picks for tonight's oscar fashions

perusing i found some EXTREMELY awesome choice dresses that i hope to see on the red carpet tonight.



this stunning red housecoat/pope's robe by maison martin margiela would look AMAZING on sofia vergara!

throw those mermaid tails and cleave baring jessica rabbit gowns to the left sofia, i total totes see you in this. bonus points for cutting that sexy long hair of yours and giving us moe howard fringe. 



i hear gwyneth is presenting this year. 

if this strappy boob cut out jumpsuit by atelier versace doesn't scream gwyneth i don't know what. 

bonus points for camel toe.


but no one, and i mean NO ONE does a jumpsuit better than julia. 

so julia i propose this hot pink satin jumpsuit by alexis mabille. 

i for one will appreciate the fact that you'll look like if one of the mechanics in the greased lightening number and one of the pink ladies had a baby. SUPER appreciate.

plus who doesn't love a redhead in pink?



hey rosamund pike i see your fashion risks on the red carpet and raise you this frilly pink chanel thing. you can't make out what it actually is? don't worry we can't either. (i had a similar reaction to your upside down christmas tree sag awards dress so this one just feels right.) OH! don't bother with the hat. it's just a distraction. the REAL star is that belt and those rubber beach walkers. don't forget those.  


patricia arquette please squeeze your giant boobs into this. 

i for one think you've been missing the mark so far with your boobs.

you've been shoving them into similar dresses so far and frankly, there has been just too much dress.

i won't be satisfied until a boob plops down on the podium and holds your acceptance speech. 

(you're totally going to win btw)


all joking aside i think keira knightly is probably actually going to wear this chanel dress. 

but none of it matters if she isn't wearing that bathing suit cap.


reese witherspoon typically favors an old hollywood silhouette so this alexis mabille gown is a no brainer. plus that big ass bow is EXACTLY like the big ass back pack her character lugged across the pacific crest trail. LIFE IMITATING ART. 

not to mention i  would love to see her arrive in this and walk down the red carpet knocking people over. specifically jennifer lawrence because she is so good at falling. plus HILARIOUS! (because she fell last year, and the year before and probably somewhere the year before).  


get in line everyone because this is the best oscar dress ever!

number one- no dieting involved for weeks prior to the show. this scary monster of a dress will hide all of your sins. including your face sins. if you find you're still too fat for it just take out some seems (if you can find them) and add a chunk of fabric from some old dress in the back of your closet. BOOM. it fits now and no one will know. 

number 2- glamour glamour glamour. just look at those jewels. there's even a crown! 

number 3- don't feel like smiling? don't have to! there's a built-in smile!  (this is extra helpful if you are a nominee that didn't win. no forced smile when you really want to cry. with this dress you can make the ugliest cry face of all time and no one will know.)


meryl streep i have picked this john paul gaultier number just for you because let's face it, you're probably going to wear a bathrobe anyway. you may as well make it a snakeskin bathrobe. don't forget the snakeskin pants. and don't even bother doing your hair- that's what that strip of chiffon scarfing is for. and you know you are all over those sensible shoes. you don't have to sacrifice fashion for comfort meryl. the proof is right here. 


emma stone nominated for birdman?

keep the bird theme going emma and wear this badminton birdie.

just know that one lady in georgia will be hi-5'ing you all the way down the red carpet.