checking in

it's been a while since i talked real talk on this blog. i've tried to.

i've typed things and then deleted them.

but it appears i have stopped getting personal. even marginally personal. there is too much hate out there and people take liberties with their hate and after a while it wears on you and you just stop caring.

basically it's not 2009 anymore! 

that said, it is what it is. 

i still try to be myself. i've certainly toned down my own jokes. i try (try) to never make a joke at someone else's expense- even celebrities!! which is so. hard. 

some of you might think this blog is boring now. and i would probably mostly agree. i guess you read a blog because you like the person behind it and you want to buy good sandals and shit? i'm not sure anymore why blogs exist other than to make money off of them. i don't make any money off of my blog. 

i never have. for those of you that were curious about that. i don't advertise for one. 

 i never made much money off of advertising to begin with because of FUCK and SHIT and DIARRHEA words. so, now i just don't advertise at all.

now, there is the matter of rewardstyle links which i DO make money off of but not fashion blogger money. 

i didn't start my blog to make money. i am happy to be making money doing what i love- making art and movies. i am grateful that i have a place here to showcase one of those endeavors. beyond grateful. and BEYOND BEYOND grateful that a great majority of you all are so supportive of that. 

but there is the matter of getting personal. 

it seems that whenever any blogger gets personal someone out there takes advantage of that and broadcasts their hatred on a site created just for that. 

it's very disheartening. it makes blogging very boring. and reading blogs boring-er. 

i am on both ends of this spectrum. 

some really great blogs sit in limbo because of this.

i'm not sure why i was compelled to write this today other than i was going to put some pics of my house up here because i had nothing else to post - but i was too leery of haters to post pictures of my own house for fear that they would run straight to hateville and talk about how my bed was too big for my room. 

for the record my bed IS too big for my room. but i have a king size bed and a tiny room. 

and the only wall the bed will go on (king or otherwise) is that wall in front of those windows.

but the bed was made and the light was so pretty (iphone doesn't reflect that last statement) that i wanted to capture it. 


or this...

my living room with fresh pillows and a newly upholstered amethyst velvet chaise.

you people love seeing shit like this!! i do too! 

and yet i hesitate to show it here because SOMEONE is bound to talk about something negative. 

i know i know! "who cares?!" or, "you're just getting a taste of your own medicine MFAMB!"

all of which are true. 

there was that time when i made fun of designers on that hgtv show. 

to that end i thought i was being funny. i learned a lot about stuff- the hard way but i guess that's how you learn best- as a result and have no regrets. 


i'd like to think i have grown a little. 


but still, getting personal is hard, not cancer hard, but hard enough that i am hesitant to even hit publish on this very post. even little tidbits of stuff feels like i am standing naked in front of the entire fucking universe.

so i wanted to share a little of where i am with you here because i am at this blog every morning wondering what to post and who's listening. who cares and who is just waiting for me to post something that they can spin out of context. 

it's hard to put yourself out there like this. harder still when your following is sizable. 

i am sure someone will view this as a cry for attention and it totally is. 

i want us all to care a little more about each other. care about hurting feelings. understand that everyone struggles just to keep putting one foot in front of the other most days. 

the business of blogging has made me acutely aware of those things. sure i gossip about others and i am not proud of it. and i try very hard all the time to be mindful of it and stop myself. and when i am gossiping it is because i feel hurt in some way and that's not ok. it just perpetuates the hurt. in me and then consequently in someone else. 

i struggle with what this blog even is. 

because sometimes i would rather only post when i have new art to share. other times i want to talk about things like this. and the beauty of it all is i can. i can do whatever the fuck i want to really.

i'll never lose sight of that fact. but at the end of the day this is a blog and blogs are written and i need to write what pops in. so i did. 

i hope you'll indulge me here and let me complain just a smidge or cry a little if i need to without running to the hills in judgement. we are all just trying to navigate through piles of shit most days. and if you are one of those people who write about your hate of someone else in public forums, please stop doing that. do you even know why you hate me? or her? 

does it not occur to you that we might possibly read those forums and some of it makes us sad? sometimes horrifically so? 

so maybe think twice before you gossip, or comment about someone's face. really. don't be such a dick. 

i know i can't stop an asshole from being an asshole but i hope that i can stop a mostly genuinely nice person who might be hurting inside from projecting that hurt onto someone else. 

to those of you who have been here daily for a really long time and were polite even though you may not have agreed with me, thank you. to those of you who comment bc you think it's a nice thing to do when someone takes the time to write a post for your entertainment, thank you. to those of you who have been angry with me for something and written me personally about it so that we can discuss it like civilized humans and hopefully come to an understanding, thank you.

basically just thanks. and sorry. and hi. 

and bye. and pee poop. and bye.