i'm the boss of my mind diarrhea.

 again, i want to thank all of you who wrote me personal emails as well as commented on my GAD post.

there were a lot.

and truth be told, i got seriously overwhelmed and had to stop reading.

so many of you are suffering worse than i.

and it was breaking me in half.

i was starting to feel guilt about my own problems and MORE anxiety about yours.

in addition to that i was just as conflicted as i was before i received the emails.

go figure.

i should have sensed that would be the case.

mainly bc for every case FOR antidepressants (yay!!  antidepressants are going to change my life!!).

there were just as many AGAINST antidepressants (antidepressants are the devil's milk and i am sipping at the teat).

 

so..

here's what i have learned so far.

1.

this is my struggle and while i am glad i have those stories to refer to, i need to do what works for me.

and i need to figure out what that is on my own.

no one can tell me what is right for me but me, not you, not my husband, not google, not anyone.

never ever ever doubt your instincts.

they are always right.

that said...please know i am forever grateful to you for sharing.

and many of you provided awesome tips and tricks of your own, thank you so much!

i hope in return i can help some of you along the way. 

 

2.  

not only do i have anxiety issues i also have OCD issues.

not the rubbing the door knob no less than 400 times kind but the "i can't fall asleep until every single thing is in check in the house, i.e. the doors are locked, the windows are locked, the cat's water bowl is filled, there is not enough lotion on my hands i won't be able to sleep until i go and put more on.." etc..

i obsess over these things when i am under stress.

and they are always at night and they are always preceding sleep.

clearly the source of my anxiety and fear is sleep or the fear that i won't sleep unless i do these things the exact same way every single night.

 

3.

i have learned that i am so sensitive to pain and discomfort that i will do anything to avoid it.

like develop severe anxiety disorder, OCD's and insomnia.

 

4. 

i am almost 100% positive that i can trace the source of all of this fear/obsession/anxiety back to when i was 11 years old and i threw up for what was to be the last time since.

 

as in...

i haven't thrown up in 31 years.

it must have been so awful for me that i would do anything to avoid it.

including not eat certain foods, not be around certain people, dread certain times of the year, avoid watching things on tv, wash my hands obsessively...etc.. etc.. etc..

this way of thinking....coping....has stuck with me and now, whenever something happens to me that is tremendously uncomfortable or painful i revert to these mechanics to survive it.

i.e. insomnia.

insomnia=throwing up.

something so ungodly uncomfortable and painful and dreadful that i start to obsess over avoiding it and the anxiety takes over.

i mean insomnia happens to everyone at one time or another.

but most people don't worry about it.

and then guess what?

it goes away.

but when you are accustomed to worrying it is your go to response for everything.

 

which brings me to my first order of business...

coping with insomnia the RIGHT way...

 

 

 i started reading this book yesterday and am almost finished.

i have to say it's a bit of an eye opener so far.

i am not done and i have not implemented the technique so i can't say whether it works.

i will let you know.

 

so far though it talks about how terrible sleep medication and things like xanax are for sleep.

primarily bc they are a crutch...and a dangerous one.

pills in general are a crutch because

 they stop working after a while and then you are back to where you started..unable to get to sleep on your own using your own tools to get through it.

 

any artificial crutch will decrease your confidence in your own ability to sleep.


now granted, there are plenty of you who suffer with the occasional sleepless night and you take a tylenol pm to get some sleep...this isn't really for you..

i am talking to the people out there who have transient or chronic insomnia.

this book makes a strong case against using pills to get through the night.

i recommend it so far for that information alone.

it was fairly liberating just knowing i needed to give those things up forever.

i.e. xanax, ambien, lunesta...etc..

 

i am not refering to giving up the xanax for plane rides..not yet anyway..

baby steps.

 

just giving it up for sleep.

 

 

so...that's where i am now.

i have more books coming..

a few on anxiety and some progesterone cream that other people swear by.

and an appointment with a cognitive therapist.

 

with the lexapro-

i am still on a very low dose that i am tapering off of and bc of the book up there i want to put on hold until i get a handle on my insomnia bc as it is now...these pills are a crutch for me to sleep better.

which as you know i am now adamantly against.

 

if i can get a handle on the insomnia i KNOW i can get a handle on my anxiety.

 

and if a therapist who i like and trust tells me that these meds will be good for me to get through the struggle of getting over this anxiety then i will.

but if i know myself..i am fairly certain i can turn this around on my own.

it is a tremendously empowering thought and one that i believe is possible.

and i think THAT is the most important thing you can feel. 

empowered and hopeful. 

 

have a great tuesday sluts!

 

 

 

 

 

 

it's sharing time. grab your antidepressants.

 

writing this post wasn't easy..

sharing it was not so easy either.

 

 i have been sitting on this post (that's what she said) for about 4 months.

and it's time to open the gates of our relationship into some real personal shit.

and since you people have saved me on more than one occasion (hello lemon on my wenis!) i am certain this can only be a good thing...for us all.

 

there are a lot of people out there reading this blog...i know it bc i see it in the stats.

so i am sure there are a few who will see things very differently from me.

just as i am sure there are a few who i will convince to see things my way.

which, unfortunately, is sort of still undecided even though my heart leans in one direction.

my point is i want everyone's opinion...sans judgement.

you can have an opinion without judgement.

 

because what might be good for me may not be good for you and vice versa.

 

 

you long time mfamb'ers know about my GAD- you might recognize it better as all-the-shit-i-complain-about-all-the- time-when-i-say-i-think-i-am-dying.

 

GAD-or generlized anxiety disorder, sucks wenis.

 

 

i have had it for about 12 years.  

probably even earlier.

we won't get into that right now but suffice it to say i was the kid who worried about everything.

like being possessed after watching the exorcist when i was 11.

 so much so that i refrained from gymnastics out in the yard when all the other kids were tumbling like proper, happy, fearless 11 year olds.

i was certain i'd levitate on up into the ether after a well executed round off.

it tormented me for a couple of years.

every day.  every night.

always there.

 

i worried about other things too..not just the ridiculous things...like swallowing your own tongue because it felt fat or sharks in the toilet- but about failing school, about falling down, about throwing up...the list goes on.

 

i was afraid of a lot.

 

and apparently that shit doesn't go away.

because despite the fact that i am, thankfully, no longer afraid of swallowing my tongue or sharks coming to eat my butt while i am peeing (their loss), i am still afraid of a lot of those things to this day, and more.

 

 sure, over the years anxiety hides and you develop tools to get through until the next time.

 

but there comes a time when it beats you down to the point that you just feel like maybe you need

help.

 

that point when all of the tricks you have used over the years aren't enough anymore.

 

i have been to lots of doctors (none of them psychiatrists or psychologists) and they all tell me to take an

antidepressant.

 

but here's the thing.

i am not depressed.

i don't think.

i DEFINITELY have anxiety.

but...depression?

i've never ever considered myself depressed.

i don't have any of the symptoms of depression other than anxiety and worry.

and insomnia.

when did we stop calling that PMS and start calling it depression?

 

IS this depression?

 

am i depressed?

 

is everyone depressed?

 

 

 

i have been taking lexapro for 4 days now.

this particular SSRI is used for anxiety more than depression.

it's supposed to quiet the monkeys.

however, it makes my anxiety worse. which in turn makes my insomnia worse. 

but i hear that that will stop and when it does i should feel like peeing rainbows and pooping sparkles.

maybe i need to take more.

maybe i need to take less.

maybe i need to put on my big girl panties and shut the fuck up.

 

it's funny...

now that i have been taking these things i have never been more conflicted over anything in my entire life.

i mean...really conflicted.

 

taking an antidepressant goes against everything i believe in my little hippie brain.

and yet...i am suffering with such terrible insomnia and anxiety.

i guess one would call this an episode? a flare up?

 

my thinking is that i should be able to get through this on my own.

and then there is the other voice that just as quickly says...yeah..but how's that working out for ya?

and then THAT voice says...but what about getting off these things?  i hear it's mind and soul crushingly hard and that it makes all the things you started taking them for to begin with come back a million times worse.

and often those that never had depression suddenly have terrible depression bc your god given serotonin is being fucked with in an unnatural way.

and yes...i know...those psych docs they LOVE to talk about some people's brains just don't work the same way as others..and i'll give them that..

BUT!!

and this is my biggest but of all..

WHY do their brains not work as well?

why do they have less serotonin or whatever..

and why can't it be fixed naturally?

are people really investigating that?

what about eliminating or changing the things in your life that are making you sad, or angry or anxious?

are we really trying to do that?

i don't want to take a happy pill when i can change the things in my life that are making me unhappy and be NATURALLY happy.

know what i mean?

 

and yet...i am still not sleeping and my anxiety is in full force.

do i give these things a chance when i want to flush them down the toilet and then pull them back out and wipe them off and whisper i'm sorry to them?

 

or do i face the scary changes that i need to make?

what are those changes?

i'm not sure i even know.

change is hard.

change doesn't happen overnight.

people don't like change.

pills are easier.

 

but when you get off those pills after a few years...aren't your issues still there?

if you never confronted them in the first place?

 

it's the ultimate conflict.

 

Have a dialogue between the two opposing parts and you will find that they always start out fighting each other until we come to an appreciation of difference, ... a oneness and integration of the two opposing forces. Then the civil war is finished, and your energies are ready for your struggle with the world.

-frederick solomon perls

 

don't think for one minute that i have any idea what the fuck that means.

but it sounds right.

 

 

my friends...

i wanna hear your thoughts.

do you take them?

would you take them?

there are monkeys in my brain and they are throwing shit and laughing and stabbing my fragile cortex.

 

do YOU take antidepressants?

tell me, for how long? for what? 

how many of us are going through this?

let's not go through it alone.

 

if you're afraid to tell the internet about your probs please email me personally if you'd like.

or you can anon yourself in the comments.

i would PREFER if you emailed me personally bc then i know who you are and bc i can email you back with no less than 70 annoying questions.

 i promise i won't tell.

but i am cool with 4,000 anon comments...i think.

 

 

 

just don't leave me hangin.

 

SSRI farts,

 

 

 

 

it's not 1982 anymore..

 

i was 12 in that year.  the year of the goat?  dog.

anyway..

when i was 12 summer was the best thing in the world.

 

these days summer is just dumb. 

 

 

let's start with the obvious and most alarming..

television!!

the tv seems to take a shit on my face every night when i turn it on.

 

last night i scrolled through 4,000 channels on the guide and ended up watching an echidna and a platypus birth their egg mammal babies.

 1n 1992 this would have been prime tv watching because it would have meant i was 22 and super baked, therefore enjoying the hell out of it. 

but somehow it just made me want to punch the echidna in it's snout and tell it it better find me something good to watch!!!

 

second on this list of dumb is the heat.

i don't remember summer being this hot.

i also remember being in a pool for most of the summer.

so maybe i just didn't feel the heat.

 

but, i don't have a pool and neither do my neighbors.

 

and here's another thing..if we weren't in my neighbor's pool my mom dropped us off at the town pool.

dropped us off!!!!????

hello kidnapping and raping.

 

things are just so different today.

 

if i dropped fiona off she would cry because i abandoned her

and then drown.

 

here's another way summer is dumb..

it's dumb bc it's expensive.

 

i never went to camp as a kid unless it was a school camp and that was a REAL camp with cabins and outdoor showers and it was only in the 4th grade.  

and i won "neatest bunk". 

no, seriously i won neatest bunk.

 

fiona has been to 4 camps and has one more to go and that's only a quarter of the summer filled up.

we have spent at least 2,000 dollars in CAMPS!!!

 

in 1982 i was running around, alone, in the woods pretending to be someone i wasn't and loving every minute of it.

granted fiona is 7 and we lived in a fairly rural setting,

not in southwest atlanta. 

 

and let's talk about how LONG summer is.

 

she was out of school may 18th and goes back to school august 16th.

is that right?

it seems long.

ok, maybe it's long to me bc i am in charge.

to her it probably seems like the shortest amount of time in the universe.

good for her.

i hope she's having fun.

 

 

another way the summer isn't the same...

computers.

 

and blogs.  pinterest. facebook. twitter. instagram.

 

i honestly feel like these things are melting my brain.

 

i have been struggling for things to post about for weeks.

 

posting pictures of pretty rooms just feels so stupid and anticlimactic bc the majority of you have seen it all on pinterest.

 

i can't bring myself to watch design turds let alone recap it.

 

i could recap the housewives but i feel like so many of you are actually out living your lives...

you know...so you won't even read it.

 

i was on a roll with the new house stuff but we haven't even moved an inch forward with that.

 

mike's too busy and he sort of needs to be involved.

 

i have been painting a lot bc i have some super exciting news that i can't share yet.

no post there..

 

 

i didn't post yesterday not bc i was off being sick...

i'm actually ok.  great even.

i think the summer cold may have been allergies and i am new to allergies so i have trouble identifying them.

 

nope...

i didn't post yesterday bc i had nothing to say.

 

i tried. 

i was going to show you pictures of channing tatum's hot body and tell you how much i enjoy looking at him.

 

even though his ears stick out and he kind of looks like a giant penis with arms and a face.

 

i have not seen magic mike bc i have heard it's a depressing pile of horseshit and there is little man butt and a lot of dialog.  

no one is paying 12 dollars to hear these guys talk about stuff.

 

 

 

i was also going to show you this door..

 

bc it's delightful.

 

 

but everything i wrote just sounded so stupid to me.

like i was trying too hard to post JUST to post.

 

 

i guess what i am trying to say in WAY too many words is i am not inspired to write this blog.

 

it doesn't mean i am quitting.

 

it doesn't even mean i am taking a dumb break.

 

im just being honest with you.

i will always write what's on my mind.

 

a blog is hard to write, every day..finding something entertaining to write about is just hard..

and i don't want to be a blog that just shows you pictures all the time and then asks for your opinion.

snooze-a-pa-looza.

 

essentially this is the 'jenny show'.

and that is why i try to bring as much of my absolute self to this show.

all of it.

the good and the bad.

 

 

so...instead of trying to come up with shit to write every day..

i am going to hang back.

 

if something inspires me i will be back here to write about it.

 

if not...i will go away for another day or two. or four.

 

i just wanted you to know where my head is at.

 

 

lately i have been very nostalgic for the way things used to be.

how easy things seemed to be...how easy summer used to be.

 

every morning jumping out of bed with a bundle of energy, getting dressed, eating breakfast and then going outside to play.

all day, every day.

i would meet my friends and we would disappear into the woods and go to swimming holes and jump from tire swings and outswim the water moccasins.

we would travel miles down a creek, walking over slippery rocks to do so.

 

that sounds fake, but it isn't.

it's the absolute truth.

 

i need to find a way to get that back into my life somehow.

not THAT specifically...but the freedom of summer.

 

i haven't had...well...FUN!!...in a very long time.

 

i wanna have some fun.

 

 

anyway..

thanks for listening, for being awesome, for commenting, for buying art, for having my back, for keeping me in check, for laughing with me and understanding my kookiness and even liking it.

 

i hope you'll hang in there with me through the summer into the fall when there will be all of our favorite recaps to look forward to (downton and AHS) and some new ventures to discuss.

 

 

until then i am going to get off the computer for a minute and go and enjoy something that i don't have to pin.

 

(but i will totes instagram it for you)