DOWNTON RECAP 3/3 in your face and with more stupid than EVER BEFORE!

 it's edith's big day you guys!!

and no one is more excited than edith...

(no, really..NO ONE is exited but edith. even the house is groaning.)


is all that for ME?!


it's all just too good to be truuuue!!!!

it's like a dream wrapped up inside of a BETTER DREAM!





even her mom is throwing shade. 


LIFE is throwing shade at edith, and HARD.

it's like a total eclipse of her heart at all times.




still no word about cancer.

even if mrs. hughes doesn't have cancer (she doesn't SPOILER ALERT!)

that actress might have some cancer. seriously. she looks terrible. 



thomas uses molesley in his plan to take miss obrien down.

poor molesley.

molesley is the downstairs version of edith.


if this were a britcom mr. molesley would be the star.. 

only it'd be called

tiny mr. molesley!

the story of an all too eager footman in 1920's england who can't catch a break!

because he's the size of a peanut.

because britcoms are weird.

no, really...have you ever actually watched one?

so weird.




looks like everyone has come to terms with selling downton..


lord grantham tells cora that it will probably be advertised as: a desirable nobleman's mansion with surrounding estate and properties.

what a terrible sounding listing.


 i have some better ideas.

how about..


-a mansion that's more like a castle with a unicorn stable for dogs and/or unicorns.


-mrs. crawley's house for wayward hookers.

(plenty of room for A LOT of hookers and secret hideouts for their johns and/or hobbits)


- a modern day mansion with an upstairs and a downstairs.  

it's also gay.  

this house is gay.

and by gay i mean AWESOME! 



uh oh...look who showed up to judge everyone.

p.s. he's always so drunk.

what do YOU care about it branson?

his suits are getting better.


lord G tells everyone about his other house, downton place up in some place i couldn't understand bc i don't speak england. 



molesley tells cora that obrien is leaving but he has someone in mind for her replacement.

a nice, bald woman named molesley.




on a walk, carson tries to sneak some information out of dr. clarkson about mrs. hughes.

if THIS were a britcom it would be called-

The Doctor and The Butler without Necks.

 the story of a doctor and a butler who do stuff in the village minus necks.




 matthew still hasn't gotten over himself enough to take the lavinia money and save his wife's house.

even after a letter comes telling him that it would be super okay to take it.

matthew is the worst.

matthew is like a pube that gets stuck in the elastic of your underwear. 



mary might die over all of it.

but she'll more than likely die bc she doesn't eat food.  

don't get too close, her clavicle will stab you.





carson pulls a fast one on mrs. patmore. 

he is stopping at nothing to find out if mrs. hughes has cancer.

including pulling fast ones.  





the men of downton gather round a table and talk about having sex with the ladies.. 

then they high 5 their boners together in a 4 way boner high 5.



sir anthony stays back to talk to his new dad..


i'm happy your happy to be happy that edith is happy.


translation: don't marry edith


i see.

they high 5 again.  this time with hands.  



are you tired....from your cancer???????? 

he's really just not even trying anymore. 


 and over at the ungrateful hooker house..

cousin isobel teaches life skills like sewing.. and hopefully hair brushing.


then ethel shows up ..


and then leaves again.




matthew and mr. chalk'um (again, i don't speak england)  are discussing some important matters when mary reminds matthew of the picnic to their new house.



carson asks cora if it would be ok to lighten mrs. hughes' workload.

cora agrees. 

because cora is super easy going.

(see- losing your money and your house to some bad investing by your husband)



 yay cars!!




over at prison..

someone tells bates that he needs to check under his bed for something.

and i don't think it's bed bugs.

although i am sure those are probably there too.




anna is visiting vera's one and only friend mrs. bartlett (pear) who says a whole lot of spooky shit about some stuff.




 picnic whites.



downton place..

 it's so ugly. and small!

 how will they ever live here?



 granny will open a shop called quality quidditch supplies.




 edith is fine with some chump village priest marrying them.

saying.."i'd just like to get married as soon as possible because look how worried my fiance looks. all. the. time."


matthew- if i take the money i will not feel good about myself.  you must understand.

mary- i don't.




 bates finds some weed in his bed.

i hope he smokes the shit out of it.



molesley tries to talk to o'brien about why she's leaving downton..

o'brien acts like she has no idea what he's talking about bc he's a peanut.

 this only adds to her anger.



daisy says something almost unintelligible.

i do my best to recreate it for you...





cora tells o'brien she must've said something to molesley for him to have said that..

o'brien says this..





cora tells mrs. H that she can die at downton..

but she means downton place.


(actually this whole exchange had me in tears) 


 edith is so happy because she's getting married and going to florence and venice and all the places!!

just like a girl would who was totally getting married and not about to be jilted. 


 the dowager zings...



(there goes this entire blog then) 



you didn't mean it. besides peanuts are notoriously not smart.



dear matthew-

please enjoy all of my money.  is it someone's birthday? great! then buy them something nice.

like your she going to lose her house?

then AWESOME! this money's for you then.

you should give some of it to her and then maybe take some of it to the poor along with some food if you have it.  

hey, remember when your legs couldn't walk?

me too!

that was terrible.  take this money.


the swire's.




mary asks the servants if anyone mailed a letter from lavinia... 

because that would mean that lavinia gave matthew her blessing. 

 yep. that was daisy!


which if this were an 80's britcom it would be called-


the story of a simple kitchen maid in 1920's england who unsuspectingly does good by breaking the rules!


you're welcome spin-off writers.



  the dowager and robert are talking before edith's wedding...



carson is an animal!!



 yay!  you can keep the money!

if you don't i will beat you about your head.



hey. physical abuse is not cool.

no really, that is some fucked up shit for you to say.

i am giving you like 200,000 dollars to save this house and your sweet ass life.

so don't say you will hit me, ok?

bc that's lame as fuck mary.




 everyone is so happy for edith.

especially edith.


uh oh. strallan side eye. 

also he's got serial killer eyes.

seriously has anyone checked into that?

no really, do a background check someone.  please.



sir anthony changes his mind.



fucking hell! 

poor edith.

it's really all i can say.

other than...


if this were an 80's britcom it would be called

The Trouble with Edith :(

the story of an ugly duckling who ju would be off the air because it's too fucking sad.




the saddest fucking sad day of sadness!



i mean this is like sad times infinity.

this is like if sad swallowed sad and then threw up chunks of sadness.



 that veil is a symbol of sad.

that veil is so sad it called up her ex-boyfriend just to get some more abuse and then got hit so hard in the face with an elbow that was NOT an accident and then ate an entire box of chocolates and then drowned in her own chocolate vomit sadness.



cry it out edith.

it's good to cry.  to release the pain that you feel.

sometimes if you cry extra hard your tears turn to pretty colors.

and those colors are like your dreams and your dreams are all you have.

because you're edith.


blah blah cora mumbles something about edith being tested..

we know why this really happened..


 because she's edith.



 yay!  let's be co-masters.

let's get some tigers and take this shit to vegas!



downstairs anna and daisy prepare to take the wedding food to the poor..

 also there's an alien on the table... 



 dinner is really quiet and sad.


there is talk about taking all the delicious food to the poor..

the dowager is like.. about giving me the food instead?


old people can eat like, freakishly large amounts of food.


(i love old people who eat tons of food)



edith decides she's cool with being a spinster.



mrs. hughes leaves to see the dr... 



her boyfriend checks his watch.

so sweet.



thomas asks o'brien how she's doing..

and she goes and gets all mrs. danvers on us.



p.s. if you don't know who mrs. danvers is then you need to stop watching glee and castle and other terrible shows that suck.  and go netflix that shit. 



i can't even type words about this whole scene because it's just too sweet and i am trying not to cry but there is a HUGE lump in my throat.

a benign lump of sweetness and sadness.

a sweet sad lump of joy.



it's like that.


it's like this...

yes.  this is what my face looked like at that exact same moment in time.

like my heart would just burst.



your thoughts?


i made some daisy out takes for you bc her accent is HARD to get right.

believe me, i tried.

as is evidenced here:







DOWNTON RECAP 3/2 uncut like good cocaine.


we left off at the wedding..

wait a second..

we never actually saw the wedding.

all that bunting in the trees and i can't even hear the vows?


is it because dan stevens and michelle dockery have no chemistry so to actually show them exchanging real love type vows would have seemed absurd?

ok then.

carry on.



so the top of this episode we see mary and matthew in a car..



pa pa will just die!!!!

granny will poop in her weird old fashioned underwear.

cars are essentially space ships. 

matthew even goes so far as to say that LG and granny will howl at the moon in unison.

bc they're wolves. and wolves hate cars.




 they pull up to downton to be met by LG who asks matthew how the honeymoon was..


his response was "my eyes have been opened".

to which LG replies..."don't i know it".


a couple of ideas on what they might be referring to...


1. mary's pussy is crazy good.

2. women are crazy.


i'm gonna go with 1 and 2.

and either way...gross.



downstairs thomas and o'brien are in a total fight...


i am not sure how i feel about this friendship gone sour.

but i'll never be more sure of those bangs.




there's a dinner where everyone talks about the honeymoon and stuff.

all i can do during this scene is try not to gag while shirley maclaine eats.


it's true.



matthew confides in robert about lavinia's will. 

we get it matthew!

you don't want her money!!

LG basically says nothing bc it makes no sense to him.

it's like cars.  and canadian trains. 



and in NOT white people problems, but real, legitimate, horrible, awful problems..

mrs. hughes might have cancer.

cancer is not funny.  especially if you have cancer.





cousin isobel takes a stroll down to cousin isobel's house for wayward hookers.

she spies ethel who looks lovely here, despite her hooker sads.

war hookers are the saddest says ethel.





sir anthony is arm is still SO broken...we can't be together, plus look at all these books i have to read.  also i'm old.  stop looking at me.

and edith is like..

i am so lonely i don't care plus look at my face.  why won't people look at me?

i'm putting my foot down. 

you ARE my boyfriend!!!



bates and anna talk about mrs. bartlett pear...

mrs. bartlett pear was a pear who was friends with vera.  

bates and anna are officially THE WORST!

also pears are delicious. 



over in dr. clarkson's office...

time for some cancer 101, 1920 style.

this is not a time which you would have liked to have had cancer.

as opposed to that other time of NEVER. 

how much do we love mrs. patmore?




alfred has COAT STAINS!

thomas wants to "help" alfred with his "stains".



c'mon! it's downton SLUTS!  stains are legit problems.




the dowager finds mary alone reading some fashion pages....

this is what happens next..




mary- any news money? money.

matthew- here read this letter.

mary- money.

matthew- i do love you so much.

mary- money and money. 




the dowager thinks it's crazy that cora's brother harold doesn't inherit the fortune.

she asks about him..





alfred burns a hole in matthew's jacket.

and you know what that means....

 holes are the rich man's stains.




you better not have cancer!



next is a dinner to plan another dinner...

they will invite the locals.

cora side eye= locals are dumb. 



thomas's plan to make alfred look like rainman is working.


o'brien is on to him...


so BANGry.




LG tells sir anthony that he must stop making edith so happy.



and then we all realized that dan stevens was a giant pussy with a big pussy face.

"season 4 can't come soon enough."-

said everyone.


just kidding i love this show. 




carson punches mrs. hughes in her cancer boob.



o'brien promises the ginger giant to make thomas sorry.

her bangs take home the gold in the curl olympics.

the ginger giant is deaf and no one knows!!



edith gets a letter that says "i promise it's nothing to do with your face". maybe.




cora tells mary that it would probably actually be more awesome for everyone if they moved to a smaller house.


mary's like well, i'm english and you're american and you don't understand the importance of ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

like money.




inconclusive cancer results.

but let's not jump to conclusions people.

mrs. hughes could just look puffy and tired bc she's a maid.




 martha calls LG a dick for taking away poor, lonely, ugly edith's boyfriend.

lord grantham is THE WORST!

he is a car wrapped in a canadian railroad....with cancer!



but he gives in.








molesley the most earnest and eager butler/valet in all of england is running to tell matthew that he does NOT have his dinner jacket from the tailors!!!

also it's safe to assume this is what molesley looks like when he gives himself a handy.



mary takes granny to look at the excessive spread of a dinner table...

nothing succeeds like excess.














no worries says martha..

american's don't care.

we love a picnic indoors ya'll!!

martha tells everyone to grab some cheese, ham, butterham, dorritos, beers, grapes wrapped in ham, cheese wrapped in grapes, bread stuffed with hamcheese, crushed up fritos in chilli and donuts crushed up in syrup. and potatuh mayernnaise.



cora says this..



(seriously you know you re-wound that part in the show like, 4 times)


mary tells granny they can't give up.

granny agrees but is visibly distressed..






martha sings let me call you sweetheart to the dowager..


because she's lonely ya'll.

these are some lonely old ladies.

just kidding.

because julian fellows couldn't not have shirley maclaine sing a song because she sings a song in everything she's in.




why can't matthew have cancer?


(i wish cancer on no one. except cancer.)



these 2 are getting married.

truth time...i think this couple is SUPER sweet. 

in fact here are my dream downton couples:

mrs. hughes and mr. carson- i mean, c'mon right?  it's too easy.

daisy and the oven- i mean, c'mon right?  it's too easy. 

cousin isobel and a cat.

lord grantham and a canadian train (secretly).

o'brien's bangs and thomas's cigarettes.

dr. clarkson and thomas- i mean, c'mon right? 




martha tells everyone she can't ACTUALLY help she can only do NOTHING to save downton. 




bates and his cell mate have relations.



martha and robert have some whiskey.

robert pretends to not know that mary and granny were conspiring to get martha to help save downton from his stupid ass.



carson tells mrs. hughes he loves her that if something were wrong she should tell him.


 of course she doesn't


but something tells me (the scenes from next week) that mrs. patmore spills the beans.



the end.



despite my sarcasm i really do love this show.








downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.


 this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.

which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.


i am working on part 2 as we speak..

i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.

americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).


in any case..

here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).


 it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.



the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.

everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.

sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.

lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.



 downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle. 

essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.






meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton.  "no one would even notice or care".

 the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,

he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..




back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.

there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.

there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.

o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.



later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.

finger waving?


finger braiding?

i'll stick with fingering.

she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.

that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.


 lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.

cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.

he agrees.

must remember this technique.



over at the jail...


 anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...

anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?

now...what news have you got for ME?


bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?


anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I..  and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.





alfred, the giant footman shows up.

he's a ginger too. 

double fucked.



carson is not impressed.



across town.. 

lord G visits the monopoly guy.




 monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.

apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.  



which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.





everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.


speaking of lame couples... 

edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.



while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.

and as we all now know...

that ain't happening bc there is no money.



family dinner #4,000..

everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.

no one is more excited than the dowager.


and the ginger giant is helping with dinner.. 

the dowager is visibly sickened..





talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..

the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..






matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...

it's gross.



sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...

background tension.



and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..

matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.

matthew being one of them.

the first guy died of the spanish flu.

 the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.



i think we all know where this is going...


wait...where is this going?




family dinner #4,001..


everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.



when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?





daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.


OH! and the gray's are coming.

wait...who are the gray's???



 upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..


cora's cool about it because she's an american.

have gun will murder travel.



tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.


matthew tells tom he's got his back..

matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.



meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..

or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.


a little later..


 anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????



downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..

o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..


why would i do that?  i'm an asshole, remember?

and just like that the dream team is destroyed.



upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.



the young gray...larry? picking on tom..


and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.

or something.

also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.



LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..


she's like..






sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.


at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.


grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!



after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue. 

he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).



 what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..

matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...


all the girls swoon accordingly...



that'll show eyebrow guy.



 LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.

seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?

i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?




bates and his cell mate have words.



the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.

they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.


he's thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.

they're wear morning coat.




here comes trouble.

aka martha levinson.

cora's mother.

shirley maclaine.

me in 20 years...



there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...



once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...

martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.

why should he inherit all her money?


matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?


he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..


he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune. 


but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.

mary's you DO want it. 


and she slaps the paper out of his hand...

bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken. 



the dowager runs into martha in the hall...

dowager:  americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.

martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.


the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.

the best we get from the dowager is this:







family dinner 4,002..

it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.

martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.


the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...


 i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..




mary is upset and leaves.

(who wouldn't?  old people eating soup is gross.  ok everyone eating soup is gross.)



tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...

tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.


upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...

worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.



but whatever..


 matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.

she's not having first...

but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.


he wants to kiss her...


but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....


and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.

but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).

seriously those things have a mind of their own.


"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"





more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.

cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.



downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...


she appears and says..


will i do....carson?


it's the sweetest thing ever.


carson tries to choke back tears...


and i nearly gag on my own tears.




blah blah they get married...



 the end.


my thoughts..


shirley maclaine killed it.

she was a breath of fresh air.

 i expected nothing less.


so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..

they have to sell

they have to get the money from big martha 

matthew inherits lavinia's fortune

or...they have to open a pretzel shop.


time will tell. 

but i do love a good pretzel.


edith is coming on strong to sir antony,

who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.

 i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.

i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.

what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?


and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene.. 

i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.  



 spill it!!



was it as good as you'd hoped?

nothing really ever is, is it?



***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..

we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap. 

i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.